The bright side

Since I was diagnosed as being bipolar and treated I have learnt a great deal.
I have learnt how to say NO.
I have learnt to take things easy.
I have learnt to be less sensitive.
I have learnt to be emotionally independent.
I have learnt to look at the bright side of things.
I have learnt to take things as they are and know people as they are.
I have learnt how short my life is.
I have learnt how to take more care of myself.
I have learnt how to live in present and not in the past or future.
And I have learnt how to love myself and many many other I have learnt things.
My disorder made me think.
Despite the fact that:
I sometimes feel depressed.
I sometimes feel elevated.
And a few other I sometimes.

Like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
Like a worm on a hook,
Like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee.
If I, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you.

Like a baby, stillborn,
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me.
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

Oh like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.

Leonard Cohen

So long so good

Things are moving along smoothly. I feel a bit angry over some matters that I won't go into details but this morning I woke up having a dream in which I was shouting at someone. I have to let out my fury somehow. What makes me happy though is that I am having emotions about things rather than taking them inside and bury them until they die and that's good. I do not over react. Anger sometimes feels like a normal reaction and it is just fine especially when the reason is so logically acceptable.
Wife relation issue is no longer bothering me. As far as it is not my fault it is OK. Couldn't do much about it so I left it there. Last night I was watching a program on TV. It is about family relationships. Well what really was interesting was the last quota that the advisor said. "Let us appreciate the right of others of not accepting our request".
My daughter is growing just fast. She is 8. She seams more involved in our life than she was before. What I mean is that she acts more mature and more part of the gang than rather a child in the family. With the relationship I am making with her I am helping her participate in our little jokes and make comments, of course up to the limit of her age. She knows about my blog though she of course does not read it. I just explained to her that I keep a kind of diary which I share with others. She says "please tell them about what I do when you come home and ring the door bell" Yes she stand on her chair behind the door looking through the eye piece. I do not know what she finds funny about this that she keeps me waiting while looking and asks me to make faces before she opens the door. I'll post one of he pictures in future.
Today I am going to have an X-ray taken from my tooth. The lady dentist will deside if it is needed pulling out or can save it. It is sad to lose a tooth. Poor little thing hs done a lot for me!
My nephew sent me an e-mail from India. He lives there. The things he says about that country are amazing. One is, in small cities if you go to the butcher to buy meat you should be careful on your way back home so that the eagles over head won't snitch from you. Or about the so many different religions and rituals. I should find an excuse to make a business trip to India on the company.
It is nearly time to go home, the rest I will post from home tonight. Bye for now and take care.

The Four Seasons

The previous post was written on Wednesday but for some problems was added to my blog too late. Anyway I am back from my vacation. I enjoyed there cut off from the busy world. I got back late last night and slept late. In the morning I visited my doctor. My appointments are going to be every month instead of every two weeks and then he said will be reduced to every six months. I will continue my meds for panic attacks although with lower dose and my Flux will continue as it is. The session took two hours. He assured me that I was not imagining things and that change had actually taken place. He told me not to go into details about psychological matters and just live my life. Try to make money and spend it well. Of course that is the difficult part but all in all he asked me to take life as it is. He is sort of right. I am spending too much time working on myself. Into what ever I change I will never be myself. By changes I mean structural changes otherwise changes happen all the time and one should change for the better all the time. "You don't have to carry the label "bipolar" with you everywhere you go" he said. "This is part of our job to label disorders in order to categorize them. Not every patient goes through the same things as the book says and it is not necessary to think it that way." He added.
I do not forget that I do have a disorder but I do not feel doomed anymore. Future possible depressions and manias won't put me off either. I will deal with them as they come along. I don't have to worry about it now.
From the information I have the sad news is that my doctor has some heart problems and he has decided not to go through agonizing and painful tests and treatments and he wants to live his rest of remaining years working at ease exercise and have a balanced diet. It is sad to ever loose him. He had so far thought me how to fish and I am ever so grateful to him for that.
One temptation I have is to have the control over my mania and turn it into a productive asset.
Life doesn't look fun but I am going to live it and enjoy it if I can and at times when I can't do anything to change hard situations I am going to laugh it off. If life is a symphony I'd rather have The Four Seasons by Vivaldi. Not some monotonous blue notes repeating themselves until the end. I accept that I'll have to live through all four seasons and look at their bright side even in freezing winter or dull autumn (In the bottom of the deep dark well of depression or the head spinning height of mania.) unless I am wealthy enough to move to some ever spring island. But too much paradise may be boring, too.

Out of The Shell

Is it a mania? ….. Is it a depression?
No, it is the super bipolarman!

It’s been two days in a row that I feel myself again. Normal I think. As I had always been. After a year and half I feel I am out of it. My sense of humor is back. Well from outside you could not see it. A serious looking businessman with as enough laughs as it is appropriate for the occasion. The change is within. The meds still continue and my sleep is very well adjusted. Sort of back on track. The meds do not do miracles but they sure help it happen. They help me to help myself. I am sick of nagging and want to live to the last bit of it. For one and half yesr moods have fucked and now it is my turn. I’ll bite back.

If I can’t do anything about it I might as well enjoy it. It has ridiculed me for a while and I am going to ridicule it now that I still can.
I gathered as much help as I could get, from others and turned their ideas into maneuverous practices. Do not know how long this is going to last but it is here and now that is important. I feel right and am going to keep it as far as I could. I have put some valves to control the energy within though. I must not waste it. This here is a reflection of what is going on inside.
Now , is it mania? Couldn’t. my sleep pattern is just right and I do not think I am a supper human with out of limits abilities. No racing thoughts and goal seeking ideas and ever switching ideas. Just a normal guy.
Is it the depression? Couldn’t be. I do not feel all cramp curled within and I do not want to escape everything and stay in a dark corner.
Is it some sort of schizophrenic attack coming back after years? No couldn’t be. I do not have the idea of saving the world and certainly do not think am as important as being followed by secret services and spied on by sophisticated intelligence devises.
It is that I do not want to be treated as a typical scientific case and being labeled “BIPOLAR” and put aside going through a routine. Well I continue my meds as prescribed by my doctor, God bless him. He doesn’t treat me like a routine case in the text book. He adjusts the meds to work for me.

The meds (this is for Tom Land Cruise) and the help of my doctor and the support of those who care and even the shortest (but greatest) comments I received in my blog and the fact of bloging itself and myself, I am back on track.
Tom! You don’t know what you are missing!
It is not his fault actually. Most probably the depression he is talking about is only a “deppy” compared to the “DEPRESSION” we experience. How can one come out of a real one without the meds. And the side effects are tiny compared to the pain.

Tomorrow I am off for two days of vacation on the mountaintops.

I will survive

My comments about a person we both knew did it. My brother did answer back. I straightaway sent him a very long message and with it sent him one of my posts from my blog (to save him time clicking on the link I sent him). From there no news from my brother. He is so slow in corresponding.
I got this cravenness for sleep the other day, it actually took three or four days. At one time I slept 6 pm and woke up at 7.30 am still feeling the need to sleep and went to work that way. I don't know what it is. Is it the mania or the depression showing itself up in a new disguise? My eyes want to close but I don't fall to sleep. The craving ends as soon as I get home. It is OK now even though last night I slept real late, at 2 or 3 am. I usually sleep around 10 pm. And get up at 6 in the morning. I almost gave up on my wife. she just can't do anything about it and she is the way she is. She says she loves me but from what I see (and I don't ask for much) she doesn't know the meaning of the word. Then I remembered this song.

I'll have all my life to live
I'll have all my love to give
I will survive
Hay hay……"I told myself "!

I sometimes wish I wasn't so much a family man. That I was the same as I was when I was not married yet. Like many guys I see around. Seeking their desires els where but that is not me. It is against my nature. Perhaps it is crazy to be in love with the woman I married 12 years ago and still so madly. It is becoming a weakness. I mean is there anything wrong with that? Any ladies out there who could help me sort this thing out? I am baffled.

Intentionally or unintentionally she is doing just the same thing her mother did to her father. (it is another long story).

Perhaps it is because I have to balance myself and be more independent. It is no one's fault maybe.

A problem at work is I am too fast for the job. I do my job and have free time working on new projects. I have turned a middle sized firm into a busy one. The firm is to seek outside investment to go on with new projects.
For the second parts of my blog, I am working on my memories taking them into more details and intend to make it up into a complete work.

Smile

My brother replied to my message and I sent him an answer. After that, dead silence from his part. I do not know the reason and well he has not visited my blog. Not interested I guess. But today I sent him yet another message and said in it everyday things and some of my opinions on people we both know. The only person left for me who cares and keeps up with me is my sister. Other connections seam to be ONE way. Well I do not much care really. I have my online friends. And most important I have myself! I should care for myself much more. It may seam a little selfish but I realized loving oneself is needed in some respect. Self-confidence I believe is not something that can be reached by repeating good positive words to oneself. It has to have some basis so I am trying to find positive things that already exist in me. I criticize myself too often and it is not good. Another thing I need is independence. Not to say that I intend to isolate myself, no. I feel more balanced than a few days ago. My doctor has moderated my meds a bit and I take just as much as I need and this helps me not to be addicted to them though Alpraz I understand if quitted or missed more than one dose gives me problem. I not only feel normal but to look at the bright side of it this disorder has given me another edge and thought me things I had never known otherwise. I get most use out of being elevated and try to control my using this energy by installing a kind of mental valve to use the potential energy it gives me. I have learnt to act normal when I am down and this acting helps me to get up again faster than before. Like forcing a smile on my face while I am depressed down to my soul. I do not have many years to live and I do not want to waste it on pitying myself for being down and that I lack this and that and asking questions like “Why Me?”.
I heard this somewhere in a film or so I can’t remember. “everyone in a set situation feels afraid even the hero but Turn your fear to anger and use the anger to move on.” It went something like this. Surly you get what I mean. I had a telephone call from work. My secretary said that we have received answer to our inquiry from one of our suppliers. I made a telephone call from home to China and talked to the girl in charge and also talked to her husband. Last time I visited China they were engaged to be married. I congratulated them and then talked some business. I will write more about my visits to China if you are interested in my next posts.
( My wife has just come back from her Yoga classes. )
Something I found interesting about my doctor is that he believes in ghosts and he says it has been recently proved by scientific experiments. And he also believes energies around us are responsible for many feelings we have. It is the first time I see a doctor believing things like this and admitting it. Our relationship seams an interesting one in a way that he also spends some time talking about himself, his ideas and his problems and beliefs. Anytime I visit him we talk for hours and other patients wait for their turns and his secretary keeps bringing the files to say that people are waiting outside. Well he is a nice guy apart from being a doctor.
I just can’t help writing long posts. Well it is time to go for now. I leave you with the second part.

New life
Having to experience things on his own, Radin had really hard time to adapt to the new environment. As explained he had to face things in life especially at the ages between 14 to 17 on his own. And being naïve and inexperienced caused a lot of misunderstandings and problems later in his life. He had had no one to help him learn about new changes which were taking place in him. In many ways he got things the wrong way. This lead to complications, this and the fact that he had been under attack of sarcasm and mistreatment by other members of his family.
He lived in a family and that gave him a good feeling. Since he was at the first stages of becoming an adult and saw the world from the eyes of a teenager, he soon started to not only understand the substance of his surroundings but also he sort of felt he belonged to that place somehow. He always wanted to get to the core of things. Soon after a few months he had to find a job in order to support himself. With that started his long hard working experience. He worked and studied both at the same time. The work was hard and the pay was low. He was loved by his classmates for his energetic ways and for his sense of humor. He made many good friends who never lost contact in later life. But all in all he felt sort of lonely.

Elevation

With the help from some very caring friends I was able to pull myself up again. I must learn to love myself more. Life seams like a movie not only seen from the cinema but also I feel I am involved in the story. I do not intend to leave the theater and the scene. I intend to sit and see it to the end. At least that is how I feel now. The pain I feel is like any other physical pains I have experienced. I won't give in. I feel a bit elevated and higher than a few days back. I do not take it as a change in mood due to my disorder or I do not want to look at it that way. "I will survive".
Once again like a cat released with four legs up, I twisted and landed on my four legs. Tell the truth I had even planed to leave. But now I feel differently.
To satisfy my wife I did go to that doctor. He is so squarely cut minded and he gives what ever meds the books say. But I actually convinced him to continue my meds from my favorite doctor. My new and favorite doctor believes that in the case of bipolar with more tendency towards depression first thing is to control the depression and cut the stabilizing meds until the need is felt and the first signs of mania is evident. Well of course I am not in a position to recommend this to others but it works with me. I realize that every individual has its own needs of meds and this is with the doctor to decide it from what he sees from his patient. He spends as much time as it is needed for me. Last time I saw him he gave me so much time and attention. He is so human and talks about his problems to me as well as listening to mine. He has suggested to bring my wife for next appointment. Next appointment is on Monday.

Thursday evening we went to a wedding. My nephew's wedding. My sister preferred not to come because of our mother death. I decided to go since they had prepared for it anyway and I did not want to disappoint the newly wed couples. Everything went on well. I sat amongst the young people of our family and felt ever so young again and felt as I was and felt before my disorder diagnosed. Telling jokes and being jolly. Meeting some people brought back many memories from the past. I realized how lively a person I had been at my youth. Here I would like to thank those who follow my blog and those who care to leave their comments.
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Love, a simple word for a vast world
Radin started the experience of love earlier than his fellow friends. Although it was not so deep, his loves at the first sight started while still very young, about nine. First it was Maria. Opposite right neighbor. He met her and talked to her using all kinds of excuses he could think about. Then it was Sim. Who was a little fat girl. She was beautiful and showed her interst to him but well Radin was not interested. All these loves were fantasy like loves. Until he met Tar. At the age of 14. He was so attracted to her he could not think of any other girl. He even wrote a few poems in praise of her beauty and charm.

" with your smile I am reminded
reminded of flourish of the rain drops
blossom on the dry earth
and the smell of fresh rain"

one day to attract her attention he borrowed his borther's (Asi) motorbike. When sitting on the saddle his feet hardly touched the ground. He went with the bike to their door to meet her and his family he had made friends with. Just to show off. Her family approved of their relationship and later on her brother told him how much she loved him. On his way back that day he had difficulty moving the bike on the first gear. It kept turning off. Before everything getting ruined he managed to set off and go home safely. They used to play backgammon and her mother would always send her little brother to keep their company.
No one Knew how harsh the things will go in the country for the years to come. There was going to be big changes. Changes that affected all. Many families were going to have problems and so many were going to be destroyed. And on the other hand so many villainous people were going to rise in high and sensitive levels crushing the others under the influence of their own poor judgment ,immature beliefs and personal obsessions that were surfacing now that they had the power.
Radin had to leave the country against his strong desire to stay and help and participate in the change. At that time what they had gone through inside a restricted police type government and under close political inquisition had closed their eyes on the true changes which were taking place. Emotional rather than rational. This wasn't to do with being young. It went for everyone. They were craving for change without thinking "what next".
When Radin thought back at those times he felt he had been so lucky to leave in time. Losing Tar was hard but well there was not much he could do.
The moment of departure came after a party the night before his flight with all his friends. He was then only 17 and he was to go into a new world and start his independent life with little experience and very little help from his family.
The journey was like being capsulated into something and being shot into space and after a few hours he ended up in a whole new world. Strange, interesting and frighteningly different. Everything had been arranged for him in advance even his place of residence. It took time before getting used to the new situation and there he experienced his first panic attack which of course was not recognized by doctors at the emergency ward.
After having breakfast he left for school by bus. One day when he arrived at the bus stop for the first time he met D. with her curly hair and wide kind smile she looked like one of those paintings he loved to look at in books. With his little knowledge of the language he started to talk to her. He was feeling true love for the first time in his life. He never forgot this first meeting.

"the bus stop
the mild wind
the very first words coming out awkwardly
her smile
her explaining things
her pointing to the ring on her finger
explaining the word fiancé "

The disappointment did not discourage him and he in his poor command of language asked for their friendship. Even only friendship would do. A painful sweet love started in his life. She was like a dream seen in bright daylight. He guessed later that she herself did not notice how good she was. Using the simple word of "good" here means more than any word could explain. It is simple but in it lies a vast great meaning. Like a landscape of everything beautiful in life. All on a single piece of work of art. The real beauty at its simplest form.

The truth is revealed

I know I am gibbering too much about my relationship with wife, well this the main issue at the moment. I talked to her last night she thinks this is not going to work. She seams to have no feelings for me. I don't blame her. I had been so ignorant. It was due to my disorder. She just can't stand my moods change. In short she told me to "piss off". Well that is exactly what I am going to do. A life without love is not worth living. To tell the truth I never saw any affection from her in my marriage life. I was being too optimistic that is why it seams like a shock. I am not in any mood at today. I feel bad but it is a normal feeling. Many plans come to my mind of how to handle this situation. I do not know which one to choose. I still love her but it is not going to work in any way. At least I did my best. She thinks we should lead our own lives. Just respect each other and that is all. How am I to live in one house with her and lead my own life. I think the only thing that worries her is that we get a divorce and that is because she doesn't want to make our problem public. She is thinking what others might think. Or perhaps she is worried about our child. I do understand her but can't do much about it. She doesn't want to forget. She doesn't want to forgive. I just phoned and told her all this. I said "you took the worst revenge possible" "why didn't you just leave me when it all started? Was it because what others might think or was it because of our child?" "at least I did my best to make things up again." "one day you asked me what I would do if you were in any way ill?" "you asked me if I would ever leave you?" "well I don't know the answer to that but I do know what you would do if I were ill." "you left me alone in my worst ordeal of my life, when I needed you most." "I wish you all the best and hope you are happy"
"I'll call you back" she said coldly. When something nice happens in my life I make myself ready for a disaster to follow. I am used to lose. All my efforts are on stake. I just feel bad. No regret. No self pity. No nothing. Just as empty as the space between heavenly bodies. Empty and bad. I try to continue the blog and I do my best to express myself. But at last I found out that the real problem is me. My very being. My presence.
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The dark side of things
Radin felt different to other children although he managed to mix with them alright. It was all about dreams. He was in his own dreams. He floated in his own thoughts. He wanted to be the best and on top all the time. He could not accept his own weaknesses. And Fard always reminded him of how weak he was. He was all the time under sarcastic remarks at the age of 12 to 17. He had no one to help him find himself and built his own self personality. Although he could still see the beautiful things in life and was able to laugh and live life as it was. But deep inside, he was lost. He felt so much being good for nothing that he lead people to treat him that way. Any time he met a new person Fard was there to give them detailed information on how weak he was and he was left naked with nothing to show or express. And when Fard was not around he did the job himself. The only defense he knew of was the way he looked at them. His father was far too old for him, him being the last child. His mother was not an educated woman and was all the time busy with house work. His eldest brother twenty years apart did in no way understand him. He was offered no help and he was expected to find his own way in life. He had to work out everything himself with little experience he had, if you could call it experience. He made so many mistakes that in later life he had to pay for them and accept the consequences. It was alright up until 12. But it all started and his life turned gray. He was too stubborn to accept it. But when he later thought about those years he saw the bright blinding truth. His father didn't talk to him much except for a few words here and there. You could not tell what was going on inside him. He looked full of joy and life. He was so funny and loved by his friends for being so successful at school and that he acted as if nothing was ever wrong with him. And he adapted to new situations so well. But the dark shadow was there for him. The dark shadow that darkened his life all the time. He still saw the bright light at the end of the tunnel. What life had in store for him was in no way pleasant. At the age of seventeen he left home and started an independed life on his own. He went to a foreign country. The first thing he felt when he arrived was the shock of the new.

New contacts

I contacted my eldest brother Mano who lives in another country. The response was surprising. Very interesting. It had been a long time since we talked. He is as I said before, a play write and theater actor. He seams to understand me beyond my expectations. I sent him a replay and thanked him on that and his offer to help. I explained some issues in my life to him and seek his advice. I feel he has got much to offer. Well I will see this in his response to my last message.
Things are going steadily though it is somewhat like a drunken man walking. At least the average direction is straight forward. I have to moderate my expectations of change and move on despite some disappointments. I mustn't give in.
I realized that my brother-in-law who is a man shows more emotions than does my wife.
I do not want to live the rest of my life stock into a prewritten instruction manual of couples married for a decade. Life is too short for that. In the past I was damn too lost in my ways and that is partly my own fault.
"Seek your emotional needs in some higher sources (God she means)" she says.
"I am an earth being with all that nature has offered me. I want to live a life on earth. I want to leave that higher cling for the other world where it is more meaningful" I say.
Tell me if I am wrong please.
We had a busy weekend with many visitors. Good really. When there are people around she seams more talkative and I can see her laugh. Well kind of sad really. I do not feel sorry for myself at all. But I think I have a point there. The question is how to get it through. Perhaps I am pushing too hard. I should let it be as it is for the time being.
I am OK at work. By the way in my search in the internet I found my first and best friend at my first elementary year at school. V. Raravan. I talked about him in my last diary. I found his address and telephone number. He was shocked to hear me and was so pleased. We are going to arrange a meeting. It is going to be interesting. What I remember of him is a seven year old little boy. He is married with a son of seven.
I feel right now there is a gap and an empty space within me which should be filled with something. I do not know what it is. I just lack it and do not feel good about it. The emptiness is discomforting. I have to phone my doctor and make an appointment. I lost my last appointment due to my mother's death. I were to take my wife with me and I don't think she will agree to come this time. Perhaps she thinks she is going to be under the magnifying glass by my doctor and she doesn't like that. Instead she said she is going to make an appointment with my last doctor. She wants to seek his advice on me. Well I accepted it. No problem. I do not like that doc at all but well meeting him to satisfy her I will do.
I sometimes think. "Am I not understood" "Am I going the wrong direction". No means to measure. I wish things like this were in metric and were somehow easier to measure. The emptiness hurts.
As far as life is concerned I go on and do not show these things on surface. Like Pink Floyd say, "You hide, hide behind …". It is here in my blog where I really show my feelings.
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The second year at school
Radin had to leave his first school and move to a new one for his second elementary year. The summer in between hadn't much to remember except for his next life friend Gol. Gol was the last child in his family. The father had died when he had been very young and due to the family's problems he had spent some years in an orphanage. Radin despite his age felt how difficult it might have been for Gol. His mother worked to finance the family until the older brothers went to work. Later she married again. Gol found comfort in Radin's house and liked the way he was treated by other members of Radin's family. Next friend he made in those days was Meh. This boy had many sisters and only one brother. They came from north. They accepted Radin as part of their own family and this gave Radin a good feeling. They even took him to their home town when they traveled there. The father was a lively nice man full of positive energy for the family. And the mother was quite opposite in that respect but she was very hard working. Radin seldom saw her smile and if she did she still kept her fixed sulk. The girls were so full of life. What happy days.
Second year at school. The school was for boys and they came from very different backgrounds. Radin was the best student in his class and for the coming year he was going to be a very stubborn rival to Moss. A white skinned little boy who came from a traditional rich family. Being successful at school is not always fun especially when one feels different to the others. Although he had good friends there but still felt different to the others. The school was even more restricted than the previous one. Radin loved to be like Karm. A small boy who always smiled. He had a younger brother and his parents were very young. This Radin liked the most. Anytime he visited their house he would admire the way they lived. A young educated mother. Karm, this lovely little boy in later life when was only twenty four he experienced his first symptoms of MS. Radin met his parents then. They had grown old not by aging though but by the weight they felt on their shoulder. She was very happy to see one of Karm old friends and in her eyes Radin could see what she was saying. "Do you see how sadly my son at this age is suffering? My little Karm. You are his friend you understand how I feel don't you". Yes he did.
At home things went on the way they did before. Now Radin went to school and left early morning. Every morning seamed a new start. He felt he was born again and again. They queued in the school yard for Morning Prayer and a little exercise conducted by the head master Mr. Ohad. He was a monster in the eyes of the students. He had this whistle that when ever he blew everyone in the yard should stop still in the very situation they were in. it helped him pick up the one student who had apparently done something wrong. Later on when one day Radin saw this man in his house and amongst his family felt how ordinary this monster looking headmaster was. Radin was lucky to have a very kind teacher, Mrs. Moh. Her name meant kind in their language. And she was really kind. She was always seen pregnant. She had many children. And perhaps it was the eyes of an expecting mother that gave her this so kind looking appearance. She was going to be Radin's teacher for three years. The owner of the school lived beside the school with his two sons and daughter.
Once it was winter time a lot of snow had been gathered in the yard from the night before. The head master sounded so unusually kind. From the loud speaker he said. "Dear students please help pile up the snow near the entrance in order to built a snow man." Students were delighted and surprised at the same time. Everyone with what ever means gathered the snow in one place in no time. The bell rang and they went to their classes. Through the windows of their class they saw the school worker loading the snow into a wheelbarrow and emptying it in the street.
In winter they heated their house using a kerosene cooker. The father would warm his red palms against the cooker and put them on their ears when they came home all cold and wet. Radin had a so nice feeling being warmed this way. Playing in snow was wonderful. What Radin loved most was when it was snowing lat at night and he could go outside and walk on the snow with that warping sound it made and be the first one to imprint his trace on the snow. He had so close relation with snow. A relation he later could not have. The white talked to him and said of things he could not hear but only feel. He was lucky to live in a city where seasons where all what they should have been. Having dinner altogether around a table. And listening to the radio. The radio they had was one of those radios which took sometime to warm up before turning on. They listening to the late night radio play following the story. Every wendsday they announced the winners of that weeks lottery on the radio. Radin's mother bought the ticket every week and they all listened to the result with the same interest without being much optimistic but the fun still remained. One day the mother gave the ticket to Jibi to check the numbers against the results in the newspaper. Jibi look carefully and showing he is so happy and surprised said. "Oh may God. You have won the grand prize" Radin's mother was taken aback by the news and stopped eating dinner. Jibi was joking as usual. The prize they had was the great fun they had and the laugh. The man who sold these lottery tickets was a half blind man who owned a small stool in the street. On Wednesdays afternoon he would go around the neighborhood and shout. "One hour left." The ticket did not bring any prizes but brought with it some excitement into their life. Luck was perhaps something Radin never experienced in his life or that was what he thought. Radin loved his family. everyone of them in his own way. Not all were his favorite but still the family gatherings at winter nights was a warm treat. His mind wandered beyond their small house. A kind of daydreaming. He took life as it was and it was wonderful.