Elevation

With the help from some very caring friends I was able to pull myself up again. I must learn to love myself more. Life seams like a movie not only seen from the cinema but also I feel I am involved in the story. I do not intend to leave the theater and the scene. I intend to sit and see it to the end. At least that is how I feel now. The pain I feel is like any other physical pains I have experienced. I won't give in. I feel a bit elevated and higher than a few days back. I do not take it as a change in mood due to my disorder or I do not want to look at it that way. "I will survive".
Once again like a cat released with four legs up, I twisted and landed on my four legs. Tell the truth I had even planed to leave. But now I feel differently.
To satisfy my wife I did go to that doctor. He is so squarely cut minded and he gives what ever meds the books say. But I actually convinced him to continue my meds from my favorite doctor. My new and favorite doctor believes that in the case of bipolar with more tendency towards depression first thing is to control the depression and cut the stabilizing meds until the need is felt and the first signs of mania is evident. Well of course I am not in a position to recommend this to others but it works with me. I realize that every individual has its own needs of meds and this is with the doctor to decide it from what he sees from his patient. He spends as much time as it is needed for me. Last time I saw him he gave me so much time and attention. He is so human and talks about his problems to me as well as listening to mine. He has suggested to bring my wife for next appointment. Next appointment is on Monday.

Thursday evening we went to a wedding. My nephew's wedding. My sister preferred not to come because of our mother death. I decided to go since they had prepared for it anyway and I did not want to disappoint the newly wed couples. Everything went on well. I sat amongst the young people of our family and felt ever so young again and felt as I was and felt before my disorder diagnosed. Telling jokes and being jolly. Meeting some people brought back many memories from the past. I realized how lively a person I had been at my youth. Here I would like to thank those who follow my blog and those who care to leave their comments.
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Love, a simple word for a vast world
Radin started the experience of love earlier than his fellow friends. Although it was not so deep, his loves at the first sight started while still very young, about nine. First it was Maria. Opposite right neighbor. He met her and talked to her using all kinds of excuses he could think about. Then it was Sim. Who was a little fat girl. She was beautiful and showed her interst to him but well Radin was not interested. All these loves were fantasy like loves. Until he met Tar. At the age of 14. He was so attracted to her he could not think of any other girl. He even wrote a few poems in praise of her beauty and charm.

" with your smile I am reminded
reminded of flourish of the rain drops
blossom on the dry earth
and the smell of fresh rain"

one day to attract her attention he borrowed his borther's (Asi) motorbike. When sitting on the saddle his feet hardly touched the ground. He went with the bike to their door to meet her and his family he had made friends with. Just to show off. Her family approved of their relationship and later on her brother told him how much she loved him. On his way back that day he had difficulty moving the bike on the first gear. It kept turning off. Before everything getting ruined he managed to set off and go home safely. They used to play backgammon and her mother would always send her little brother to keep their company.
No one Knew how harsh the things will go in the country for the years to come. There was going to be big changes. Changes that affected all. Many families were going to have problems and so many were going to be destroyed. And on the other hand so many villainous people were going to rise in high and sensitive levels crushing the others under the influence of their own poor judgment ,immature beliefs and personal obsessions that were surfacing now that they had the power.
Radin had to leave the country against his strong desire to stay and help and participate in the change. At that time what they had gone through inside a restricted police type government and under close political inquisition had closed their eyes on the true changes which were taking place. Emotional rather than rational. This wasn't to do with being young. It went for everyone. They were craving for change without thinking "what next".
When Radin thought back at those times he felt he had been so lucky to leave in time. Losing Tar was hard but well there was not much he could do.
The moment of departure came after a party the night before his flight with all his friends. He was then only 17 and he was to go into a new world and start his independent life with little experience and very little help from his family.
The journey was like being capsulated into something and being shot into space and after a few hours he ended up in a whole new world. Strange, interesting and frighteningly different. Everything had been arranged for him in advance even his place of residence. It took time before getting used to the new situation and there he experienced his first panic attack which of course was not recognized by doctors at the emergency ward.
After having breakfast he left for school by bus. One day when he arrived at the bus stop for the first time he met D. with her curly hair and wide kind smile she looked like one of those paintings he loved to look at in books. With his little knowledge of the language he started to talk to her. He was feeling true love for the first time in his life. He never forgot this first meeting.

"the bus stop
the mild wind
the very first words coming out awkwardly
her smile
her explaining things
her pointing to the ring on her finger
explaining the word fiancé "

The disappointment did not discourage him and he in his poor command of language asked for their friendship. Even only friendship would do. A painful sweet love started in his life. She was like a dream seen in bright daylight. He guessed later that she herself did not notice how good she was. Using the simple word of "good" here means more than any word could explain. It is simple but in it lies a vast great meaning. Like a landscape of everything beautiful in life. All on a single piece of work of art. The real beauty at its simplest form.