The phone call

Last few days were OK with regard to my new approach towards our relationship. I realized I should not push it too hard. Time is what we need. I just had a telephone call from my sister. She was calling from hospital. Our mother is in CCU with heart complication. They were not allowed in to see her. I had a feeling for the last few days about something like this happening. She is over 80 and she never suffered from any serious illnesses. I am going to the hospital this afternoon. This news has effected all I was going to write today. I remember her working all the time. Raising seven children is really hard work. I had always seen her cooking, washing and cleaning. She also suffered from Bipolar Disorder but was diagnosed and put under medication too late. She suffered for a long time without doctors knowing exactly what it was. You will read about her more in my memories. Losing her is going to be very hard on me. Yet it is another challenge for me as I am trying to cope with my disorder. I have to be strong. I must be strong and take life as it is.
Last night I had a chat with my wife about our relationship. It is very hard to talk to her about feelings. She gets tired and cuts it off. She is not a talkative woman and quite the opposite she talks very little. She has lost her touch with affection and I do not blame her because part of it is my own fault. But she is reluctant to accept her part in it. She is making progress I confess but very slowly. God I wish she was talkative and would talk about herself and about anything. I will not give in though. I will continue to express my feelings towards her and help her in everyday life. I am being more helpful and more effective these days. She works hard and is very tired when she gets home. If I did not cancel my appointment with my doctor tomorrow (because of recent events) I will take her there to see him. Since I went to this doctor and followed his prescription I feel much better. The panic attack has almost disappeared and my anxiety and depression has lessened. He has cut my stabilizer med (Valporate Sodium) and said I could start taking it as soon as I start feeling the symptoms of mania. I sometimes wish the scientists would find a drug that would take away all the negative feelings of this disorder but leave the strong self confidence and self-esteem we feel during the mania. Before my mania gets too hard and at its first stages before I was diagnosed I was working as a manager of an oil company on an island. I managed about twenty people on different working shifts and three consultants who worked for us. I was so much full of energy and did the job so well that I was surprised at myself. I finished projects well ahead of the schedule my boss had expected from me. And on the other hand I kept the personnel so happy. When the problem started I did not let others realized it and flew back home the next day. I had suffered from a different mental problem long ago when I was young and knew that something is wrong but did not know what.
I had to take a less active job and the meds make me slow. If I only could have part of that self-assurance I had before I could be very successful in life. (I am working on it). Bring back the self-confidence without the negative parts. I do not know how to do it but I will give it a try. I intend to make use of being a bipolar rather than putting myself in confinement and isolation. I think people with bipolar have great abilities others could not even imagine but we have to learn to control it and use it as they do with rivers when they build a dam and use the potential energy to produce electricity. I control the actions I do and forget about the feelings. I mean I do not let them lead me in life. But I do not fight them either. The feedback from my surrounding has been positive. Perhaps it comes from my experiences of being a schizophrenic at some point in my life.


A very busy neighborhood. Many families with different backgrounds most of whom had emigrated from small towns to this big city. They had this Mrs. R. who was a widow living with her only son. She would keep her front door a little ajar spying on other neighbors. Everyone knew this and sometimes younger girls would mock her by saying "good morning Mrs. R." when they passed. She just could not stop her habit. One morning when Radin's mother was talking to another woman on the street he met his to be buddy. This boy hid behind her mother and would occasionally look at him and smile. A tanned thin boy with a large fixed smile on his face and protruding big white front teeth. He was called Hash. He was so elastic you could fold him and place him inside a small suitcase. He had a brother who walked with walking sticks. (He had suffered from Infantile Paralysis). And two other brothers, one served in the army and the other, well was not good at school and did not do much. He had no sisters and her mother thanked God for that because their father was so restricted and religious. For quite a long time they were not allowed to watch television. Their mother referred to her husband as "Hash's daddy" and she spoke with a very funny accent. Radin and Hash soon became close buddies. They were together all the time. They met in the street or in each other houses. In the games they played Radin was always the leader leading the game and Hash followed without much objection. Their families were quite different. In Hash family life was so boring. They probably hadn't read a single book all put together and did not see as many films as Radin had seen. That's why Radin led the stories in their games. They never seriously fought except once when they were only nine and they fought over a girl called Maria. Anytime Radin took interest in a girl Hash would follow suit. Radin pushed him and broke his head. A few minutes later Hash came at their front door hand in hand with his older brother with bandaged head. Radin listened while hidden in the store room under the stairs. In later life Radin never forgot the times he spent with Hash. All those long summer afternoons playing quietly under the hot shadows in the street while elders were having their naps. They would sometimes play in Radin's basement where it was cool. They killed each other several times a day with guns made of wood. Sometimes their plane crashed in an deserted island and they had to find their way back home building a raft. They fought Indians together and played detective storis which never ended until it was interrupted by their parents. "Radin go and get some bread". "Hash your mother is at the door". "Come on Hash it is time for lunch." Only then they came back to the real world.
The same relationship Radin had with his older brother but it was other way round. His brother F. would lead the game. F. let Radin play the main character while he created the plots one after another a mystery to be solved. "Bang, Bang". F. was so lively and full of energy. He made friends very easily and was loved for his jokes and his ability to communicate with others even older people. Although he bullied Radin all the time, Radin was so depended on him. They were four years apart but that didn't count when they played together. One day when Radin started shooting at F. with a gun he drop on the floor but was still alive and breathing. A few more shots but he was still alive. Radin used machinegun this time. He still made a groan. "You are dead, You are dead". He used grenades. After the explosion F. made small movement of his little finger to show that he was still alive. Radin never knew that F. will really die at the age of thirty four very far from home in a foreign country. Without any relative at his bedside. In loneliness from an illness he had never heard of in those days, "HIV".