The truth is revealed

I know I am gibbering too much about my relationship with wife, well this the main issue at the moment. I talked to her last night she thinks this is not going to work. She seams to have no feelings for me. I don't blame her. I had been so ignorant. It was due to my disorder. She just can't stand my moods change. In short she told me to "piss off". Well that is exactly what I am going to do. A life without love is not worth living. To tell the truth I never saw any affection from her in my marriage life. I was being too optimistic that is why it seams like a shock. I am not in any mood at today. I feel bad but it is a normal feeling. Many plans come to my mind of how to handle this situation. I do not know which one to choose. I still love her but it is not going to work in any way. At least I did my best. She thinks we should lead our own lives. Just respect each other and that is all. How am I to live in one house with her and lead my own life. I think the only thing that worries her is that we get a divorce and that is because she doesn't want to make our problem public. She is thinking what others might think. Or perhaps she is worried about our child. I do understand her but can't do much about it. She doesn't want to forget. She doesn't want to forgive. I just phoned and told her all this. I said "you took the worst revenge possible" "why didn't you just leave me when it all started? Was it because what others might think or was it because of our child?" "at least I did my best to make things up again." "one day you asked me what I would do if you were in any way ill?" "you asked me if I would ever leave you?" "well I don't know the answer to that but I do know what you would do if I were ill." "you left me alone in my worst ordeal of my life, when I needed you most." "I wish you all the best and hope you are happy"
"I'll call you back" she said coldly. When something nice happens in my life I make myself ready for a disaster to follow. I am used to lose. All my efforts are on stake. I just feel bad. No regret. No self pity. No nothing. Just as empty as the space between heavenly bodies. Empty and bad. I try to continue the blog and I do my best to express myself. But at last I found out that the real problem is me. My very being. My presence.
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The dark side of things
Radin felt different to other children although he managed to mix with them alright. It was all about dreams. He was in his own dreams. He floated in his own thoughts. He wanted to be the best and on top all the time. He could not accept his own weaknesses. And Fard always reminded him of how weak he was. He was all the time under sarcastic remarks at the age of 12 to 17. He had no one to help him find himself and built his own self personality. Although he could still see the beautiful things in life and was able to laugh and live life as it was. But deep inside, he was lost. He felt so much being good for nothing that he lead people to treat him that way. Any time he met a new person Fard was there to give them detailed information on how weak he was and he was left naked with nothing to show or express. And when Fard was not around he did the job himself. The only defense he knew of was the way he looked at them. His father was far too old for him, him being the last child. His mother was not an educated woman and was all the time busy with house work. His eldest brother twenty years apart did in no way understand him. He was offered no help and he was expected to find his own way in life. He had to work out everything himself with little experience he had, if you could call it experience. He made so many mistakes that in later life he had to pay for them and accept the consequences. It was alright up until 12. But it all started and his life turned gray. He was too stubborn to accept it. But when he later thought about those years he saw the bright blinding truth. His father didn't talk to him much except for a few words here and there. You could not tell what was going on inside him. He looked full of joy and life. He was so funny and loved by his friends for being so successful at school and that he acted as if nothing was ever wrong with him. And he adapted to new situations so well. But the dark shadow was there for him. The dark shadow that darkened his life all the time. He still saw the bright light at the end of the tunnel. What life had in store for him was in no way pleasant. At the age of seventeen he left home and started an independed life on his own. He went to a foreign country. The first thing he felt when he arrived was the shock of the new.