Life goes on
I have recently made two stupid mistakes. One at home and another at work. The first just couldn't have been me. I can't get over it. My wife though confronted it really well but it mixed up some pending issues and I will have to start almost from the beginning again. The fact is I can't get over it myself. The second was at work. Not much of a problem but still I have to face the consequences. These set me back a bit but I have to be strong. To tell the truth I feel like being at a breaking point but I have decided to stay put and let time help me out. I am avoiding going into deep depression again by all the methods I know apart from medication. Mixing with people. Getting involved in things and trying to do what seams correct even though it might look artificial. The self guilt is the most powerful of all feelings I have. It is a kind of energy and I mustn't keep it inside otherwise it will transform into something else. Something harmful. I have to find a way to let it out. This energy must leave my mind. (Any suggestions are welcomed).
I try hard not to stop the schedules I have set for myself just because I have run into trouble. I mustn't lose my self determination.
I came about "Feng Shui" the other day and made some searches in the internet. Surly many of you know about it already. Very interesting. It is an ancient Chinese art and knowledge. I recommend it. It is all about how to set things in your home in order to balance energies. A balance between five elements, Wood, Earth, Water, Fire and Metal. You determine the situation of your home using a compass and then draw a map and do some calculations. It is a kind of science really. I also decided to go to yoga classes. My wife and my daughter go to yoga and say it helps a great deal. "Yoga", "Feng Shui", meditation, I don't know what will be next! Oh and I got some burning Indian incense and I am going to get some candles (Fire element). I believe there are things that I don't quite understand how or why but they work.
I dreamt about my father and mother and I saw myself in my own death bed, passing away quite peacefully. I am not superstitious at all but I believe dreams have something in them from our very inner self. It is a communication between the deep and the surface and sometimes they have a healing effect. Though most my dreams are related to my everyday experiences but they are how I really see the world or how I should look at things and I don't. A kind of reminder. So I pay attention to them.
We are having a bit of problem with our kid these days. She is being spoiled by my wife and it is no good for her and us. We have to do something about it soon. I will talk about it to my wife today. When ever she has an unreasonable demand and is confronted with my wife's indecisive reaction she pushes harder until she gives in. it is becoming a fixed action and reaction.
Tow days ago I met an old colleague from the place I first worked. He looked very old and tiered and told me about the problems he had been through from the time we last met. He also told me a very sad story about one other colleague (Mr. Shap) who also used to be our neighbor when I was a little boy. Very sad end. He had died under a very simple operation at hospital and his wife and one of his two daughters were victims in a murder case. I feel sorry for the remaining family member. I knew her as child.
The mystic House Opposite
One good thing about Radin's house was that its front door opened opposite to another street that joint their street. On the opposite left hand house lived fatty A. The boy who loved dried bread. His parents were always into a quarrel. They fought and were heard by other neighbors. Any family who moved into that house had the same problem without exception. Perhaps it was something to do with house. At least that is what people thought. After fatty A. moved from that house, Shap's family moved in and they had the same problem. A young couple with a little girl, one year younger than Radin.
It was time for Radin to go to school. First day at school was not pleasant at all. It was the first time he was far from her mother and was not used to environments like this. He just couldn't stop crying when her mother left. At last one of the teachers took him into the office and tried to calm him down. It was a very big mixed school with a large swimming pool in the yard. It was one of the best schools in the district. Although Radin's father was not a rich man but had decided to enroll him in this private school. He soon adapted to the place and made a few friends. His favorite teacher was their English teacher. She was young, beautiful and kind. The smell of new books full of colorful pictures. The smell of freshly sharpened pencils and the very first letters he tried to copy into his notebook were all imprinted into his memory for life. What made him different from other children were his big blue or green eyes and white skin. This of course was natural in his family. His father, two of his brothers, his two aunts and most of his relatives had blue eyes. To go to school he had to walk all along the opposite street do a few turns and pass across two other streets. The journey back and forth was something of its own nature. For him it was a world of wonder. First the famous bushy tree. He had told everyone that "this tree, my father has planted it". From where he had got that idea nobody knew but he insisted on it. Then it was the shops. "Mr. Masht"'s shop on the right. A very nagging old man and his ugly wife. he sold things in his shop which looked a thousand years old. He was believed to be a rival to Mr. Shok but he could not match Shok's charm and communication skills. Opposite Masht's shop was a butchery shop. He used to have a boy working for him who since did not have a fixed place to live in he was sometimes locked in the shop for the night. One night he needs to go to the toilet and he gets so frustrated that he does it in a bag and put it inside one of the refrigerators and in the morning when the butcher comes… it was both funny and sad. Some of the doorways also attracted Radin. His world had become larger. The world he himself experienced on his own. He traveled often with his family and seen many places but this somehow was different. A kind of independence. To add to his responsibilities Mr. Shap (opposite neighbor) asked Radin to take his daughter to kinder garden adjacent to his school. He proudly accepted it and felt grown up leading another child to school though she was only one year younger than him. Every first day of the week the headmaster inspected their finger and toes nails. If it was longer than expected or dirty the poor child was punished either by blows to the palm of their hands using a big ruler or were locked in the small shed at the end of the yard. The look of the shed gave Radin a bad feeling. Their English book was very interesting for him with all those pictures. "Look Look, Hey Look". The school was kept quite clean and despite the restrictions imposed he had a very good time there. His best friend at school was "V. Raravan". Radin always talked about him at home. "V. Raravan said this", "V. Raravan said that". His front teeth were fallen and he had big kind brown eyes and a round face. He was always doing something with his bag and chewed the end of his pencils. Another of Radin's friend was "Suzan". She was a thin girl with glasses. The first year at school was the biggest event of his life. The world seamed so wonderful. Full of interesting people (even the headmaster). The wind, the rain, the trees, the fresh air, the smell of different sorts of food from the houses on the way. The running clear water at Jab street, the sweets, the ice creams, the sun…. it seamed that the heart of everything would pump for ever.
I try hard not to stop the schedules I have set for myself just because I have run into trouble. I mustn't lose my self determination.
I came about "Feng Shui" the other day and made some searches in the internet. Surly many of you know about it already. Very interesting. It is an ancient Chinese art and knowledge. I recommend it. It is all about how to set things in your home in order to balance energies. A balance between five elements, Wood, Earth, Water, Fire and Metal. You determine the situation of your home using a compass and then draw a map and do some calculations. It is a kind of science really. I also decided to go to yoga classes. My wife and my daughter go to yoga and say it helps a great deal. "Yoga", "Feng Shui", meditation, I don't know what will be next! Oh and I got some burning Indian incense and I am going to get some candles (Fire element). I believe there are things that I don't quite understand how or why but they work.
I dreamt about my father and mother and I saw myself in my own death bed, passing away quite peacefully. I am not superstitious at all but I believe dreams have something in them from our very inner self. It is a communication between the deep and the surface and sometimes they have a healing effect. Though most my dreams are related to my everyday experiences but they are how I really see the world or how I should look at things and I don't. A kind of reminder. So I pay attention to them.
We are having a bit of problem with our kid these days. She is being spoiled by my wife and it is no good for her and us. We have to do something about it soon. I will talk about it to my wife today. When ever she has an unreasonable demand and is confronted with my wife's indecisive reaction she pushes harder until she gives in. it is becoming a fixed action and reaction.
Tow days ago I met an old colleague from the place I first worked. He looked very old and tiered and told me about the problems he had been through from the time we last met. He also told me a very sad story about one other colleague (Mr. Shap) who also used to be our neighbor when I was a little boy. Very sad end. He had died under a very simple operation at hospital and his wife and one of his two daughters were victims in a murder case. I feel sorry for the remaining family member. I knew her as child.
---------------------------------------------
The mystic House Opposite
One good thing about Radin's house was that its front door opened opposite to another street that joint their street. On the opposite left hand house lived fatty A. The boy who loved dried bread. His parents were always into a quarrel. They fought and were heard by other neighbors. Any family who moved into that house had the same problem without exception. Perhaps it was something to do with house. At least that is what people thought. After fatty A. moved from that house, Shap's family moved in and they had the same problem. A young couple with a little girl, one year younger than Radin.
It was time for Radin to go to school. First day at school was not pleasant at all. It was the first time he was far from her mother and was not used to environments like this. He just couldn't stop crying when her mother left. At last one of the teachers took him into the office and tried to calm him down. It was a very big mixed school with a large swimming pool in the yard. It was one of the best schools in the district. Although Radin's father was not a rich man but had decided to enroll him in this private school. He soon adapted to the place and made a few friends. His favorite teacher was their English teacher. She was young, beautiful and kind. The smell of new books full of colorful pictures. The smell of freshly sharpened pencils and the very first letters he tried to copy into his notebook were all imprinted into his memory for life. What made him different from other children were his big blue or green eyes and white skin. This of course was natural in his family. His father, two of his brothers, his two aunts and most of his relatives had blue eyes. To go to school he had to walk all along the opposite street do a few turns and pass across two other streets. The journey back and forth was something of its own nature. For him it was a world of wonder. First the famous bushy tree. He had told everyone that "this tree, my father has planted it". From where he had got that idea nobody knew but he insisted on it. Then it was the shops. "Mr. Masht"'s shop on the right. A very nagging old man and his ugly wife. he sold things in his shop which looked a thousand years old. He was believed to be a rival to Mr. Shok but he could not match Shok's charm and communication skills. Opposite Masht's shop was a butchery shop. He used to have a boy working for him who since did not have a fixed place to live in he was sometimes locked in the shop for the night. One night he needs to go to the toilet and he gets so frustrated that he does it in a bag and put it inside one of the refrigerators and in the morning when the butcher comes… it was both funny and sad. Some of the doorways also attracted Radin. His world had become larger. The world he himself experienced on his own. He traveled often with his family and seen many places but this somehow was different. A kind of independence. To add to his responsibilities Mr. Shap (opposite neighbor) asked Radin to take his daughter to kinder garden adjacent to his school. He proudly accepted it and felt grown up leading another child to school though she was only one year younger than him. Every first day of the week the headmaster inspected their finger and toes nails. If it was longer than expected or dirty the poor child was punished either by blows to the palm of their hands using a big ruler or were locked in the small shed at the end of the yard. The look of the shed gave Radin a bad feeling. Their English book was very interesting for him with all those pictures. "Look Look, Hey Look". The school was kept quite clean and despite the restrictions imposed he had a very good time there. His best friend at school was "V. Raravan". Radin always talked about him at home. "V. Raravan said this", "V. Raravan said that". His front teeth were fallen and he had big kind brown eyes and a round face. He was always doing something with his bag and chewed the end of his pencils. Another of Radin's friend was "Suzan". She was a thin girl with glasses. The first year at school was the biggest event of his life. The world seamed so wonderful. Full of interesting people (even the headmaster). The wind, the rain, the trees, the fresh air, the smell of different sorts of food from the houses on the way. The running clear water at Jab street, the sweets, the ice creams, the sun…. it seamed that the heart of everything would pump for ever.
posted by Radin | 12:46 AM
2 Comments:
You know Radin we all make mistakes and I often think that those of us who are bipolar are harder on ourselves. It is easy to let a simple mistake to become bigger than life. Go easy on yourself. Remember to look at the big picture and see the good you have accomplished as well.
Thanks Steve. I guess you are right.
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