New contacts

I contacted my eldest brother Mano who lives in another country. The response was surprising. Very interesting. It had been a long time since we talked. He is as I said before, a play write and theater actor. He seams to understand me beyond my expectations. I sent him a replay and thanked him on that and his offer to help. I explained some issues in my life to him and seek his advice. I feel he has got much to offer. Well I will see this in his response to my last message.
Things are going steadily though it is somewhat like a drunken man walking. At least the average direction is straight forward. I have to moderate my expectations of change and move on despite some disappointments. I mustn't give in.
I realized that my brother-in-law who is a man shows more emotions than does my wife.
I do not want to live the rest of my life stock into a prewritten instruction manual of couples married for a decade. Life is too short for that. In the past I was damn too lost in my ways and that is partly my own fault.
"Seek your emotional needs in some higher sources (God she means)" she says.
"I am an earth being with all that nature has offered me. I want to live a life on earth. I want to leave that higher cling for the other world where it is more meaningful" I say.
Tell me if I am wrong please.
We had a busy weekend with many visitors. Good really. When there are people around she seams more talkative and I can see her laugh. Well kind of sad really. I do not feel sorry for myself at all. But I think I have a point there. The question is how to get it through. Perhaps I am pushing too hard. I should let it be as it is for the time being.
I am OK at work. By the way in my search in the internet I found my first and best friend at my first elementary year at school. V. Raravan. I talked about him in my last diary. I found his address and telephone number. He was shocked to hear me and was so pleased. We are going to arrange a meeting. It is going to be interesting. What I remember of him is a seven year old little boy. He is married with a son of seven.
I feel right now there is a gap and an empty space within me which should be filled with something. I do not know what it is. I just lack it and do not feel good about it. The emptiness is discomforting. I have to phone my doctor and make an appointment. I lost my last appointment due to my mother's death. I were to take my wife with me and I don't think she will agree to come this time. Perhaps she thinks she is going to be under the magnifying glass by my doctor and she doesn't like that. Instead she said she is going to make an appointment with my last doctor. She wants to seek his advice on me. Well I accepted it. No problem. I do not like that doc at all but well meeting him to satisfy her I will do.
I sometimes think. "Am I not understood" "Am I going the wrong direction". No means to measure. I wish things like this were in metric and were somehow easier to measure. The emptiness hurts.
As far as life is concerned I go on and do not show these things on surface. Like Pink Floyd say, "You hide, hide behind …". It is here in my blog where I really show my feelings.
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The second year at school
Radin had to leave his first school and move to a new one for his second elementary year. The summer in between hadn't much to remember except for his next life friend Gol. Gol was the last child in his family. The father had died when he had been very young and due to the family's problems he had spent some years in an orphanage. Radin despite his age felt how difficult it might have been for Gol. His mother worked to finance the family until the older brothers went to work. Later she married again. Gol found comfort in Radin's house and liked the way he was treated by other members of Radin's family. Next friend he made in those days was Meh. This boy had many sisters and only one brother. They came from north. They accepted Radin as part of their own family and this gave Radin a good feeling. They even took him to their home town when they traveled there. The father was a lively nice man full of positive energy for the family. And the mother was quite opposite in that respect but she was very hard working. Radin seldom saw her smile and if she did she still kept her fixed sulk. The girls were so full of life. What happy days.
Second year at school. The school was for boys and they came from very different backgrounds. Radin was the best student in his class and for the coming year he was going to be a very stubborn rival to Moss. A white skinned little boy who came from a traditional rich family. Being successful at school is not always fun especially when one feels different to the others. Although he had good friends there but still felt different to the others. The school was even more restricted than the previous one. Radin loved to be like Karm. A small boy who always smiled. He had a younger brother and his parents were very young. This Radin liked the most. Anytime he visited their house he would admire the way they lived. A young educated mother. Karm, this lovely little boy in later life when was only twenty four he experienced his first symptoms of MS. Radin met his parents then. They had grown old not by aging though but by the weight they felt on their shoulder. She was very happy to see one of Karm old friends and in her eyes Radin could see what she was saying. "Do you see how sadly my son at this age is suffering? My little Karm. You are his friend you understand how I feel don't you". Yes he did.
At home things went on the way they did before. Now Radin went to school and left early morning. Every morning seamed a new start. He felt he was born again and again. They queued in the school yard for Morning Prayer and a little exercise conducted by the head master Mr. Ohad. He was a monster in the eyes of the students. He had this whistle that when ever he blew everyone in the yard should stop still in the very situation they were in. it helped him pick up the one student who had apparently done something wrong. Later on when one day Radin saw this man in his house and amongst his family felt how ordinary this monster looking headmaster was. Radin was lucky to have a very kind teacher, Mrs. Moh. Her name meant kind in their language. And she was really kind. She was always seen pregnant. She had many children. And perhaps it was the eyes of an expecting mother that gave her this so kind looking appearance. She was going to be Radin's teacher for three years. The owner of the school lived beside the school with his two sons and daughter.
Once it was winter time a lot of snow had been gathered in the yard from the night before. The head master sounded so unusually kind. From the loud speaker he said. "Dear students please help pile up the snow near the entrance in order to built a snow man." Students were delighted and surprised at the same time. Everyone with what ever means gathered the snow in one place in no time. The bell rang and they went to their classes. Through the windows of their class they saw the school worker loading the snow into a wheelbarrow and emptying it in the street.
In winter they heated their house using a kerosene cooker. The father would warm his red palms against the cooker and put them on their ears when they came home all cold and wet. Radin had a so nice feeling being warmed this way. Playing in snow was wonderful. What Radin loved most was when it was snowing lat at night and he could go outside and walk on the snow with that warping sound it made and be the first one to imprint his trace on the snow. He had so close relation with snow. A relation he later could not have. The white talked to him and said of things he could not hear but only feel. He was lucky to live in a city where seasons where all what they should have been. Having dinner altogether around a table. And listening to the radio. The radio they had was one of those radios which took sometime to warm up before turning on. They listening to the late night radio play following the story. Every wendsday they announced the winners of that weeks lottery on the radio. Radin's mother bought the ticket every week and they all listened to the result with the same interest without being much optimistic but the fun still remained. One day the mother gave the ticket to Jibi to check the numbers against the results in the newspaper. Jibi look carefully and showing he is so happy and surprised said. "Oh may God. You have won the grand prize" Radin's mother was taken aback by the news and stopped eating dinner. Jibi was joking as usual. The prize they had was the great fun they had and the laugh. The man who sold these lottery tickets was a half blind man who owned a small stool in the street. On Wednesdays afternoon he would go around the neighborhood and shout. "One hour left." The ticket did not bring any prizes but brought with it some excitement into their life. Luck was perhaps something Radin never experienced in his life or that was what he thought. Radin loved his family. everyone of them in his own way. Not all were his favorite but still the family gatherings at winter nights was a warm treat. His mind wandered beyond their small house. A kind of daydreaming. He took life as it was and it was wonderful.