The Four Seasons

The previous post was written on Wednesday but for some problems was added to my blog too late. Anyway I am back from my vacation. I enjoyed there cut off from the busy world. I got back late last night and slept late. In the morning I visited my doctor. My appointments are going to be every month instead of every two weeks and then he said will be reduced to every six months. I will continue my meds for panic attacks although with lower dose and my Flux will continue as it is. The session took two hours. He assured me that I was not imagining things and that change had actually taken place. He told me not to go into details about psychological matters and just live my life. Try to make money and spend it well. Of course that is the difficult part but all in all he asked me to take life as it is. He is sort of right. I am spending too much time working on myself. Into what ever I change I will never be myself. By changes I mean structural changes otherwise changes happen all the time and one should change for the better all the time. "You don't have to carry the label "bipolar" with you everywhere you go" he said. "This is part of our job to label disorders in order to categorize them. Not every patient goes through the same things as the book says and it is not necessary to think it that way." He added.
I do not forget that I do have a disorder but I do not feel doomed anymore. Future possible depressions and manias won't put me off either. I will deal with them as they come along. I don't have to worry about it now.
From the information I have the sad news is that my doctor has some heart problems and he has decided not to go through agonizing and painful tests and treatments and he wants to live his rest of remaining years working at ease exercise and have a balanced diet. It is sad to ever loose him. He had so far thought me how to fish and I am ever so grateful to him for that.
One temptation I have is to have the control over my mania and turn it into a productive asset.
Life doesn't look fun but I am going to live it and enjoy it if I can and at times when I can't do anything to change hard situations I am going to laugh it off. If life is a symphony I'd rather have The Four Seasons by Vivaldi. Not some monotonous blue notes repeating themselves until the end. I accept that I'll have to live through all four seasons and look at their bright side even in freezing winter or dull autumn (In the bottom of the deep dark well of depression or the head spinning height of mania.) unless I am wealthy enough to move to some ever spring island. But too much paradise may be boring, too.