Life goes on

I have recently made two stupid mistakes. One at home and another at work. The first just couldn't have been me. I can't get over it. My wife though confronted it really well but it mixed up some pending issues and I will have to start almost from the beginning again. The fact is I can't get over it myself. The second was at work. Not much of a problem but still I have to face the consequences. These set me back a bit but I have to be strong. To tell the truth I feel like being at a breaking point but I have decided to stay put and let time help me out. I am avoiding going into deep depression again by all the methods I know apart from medication. Mixing with people. Getting involved in things and trying to do what seams correct even though it might look artificial. The self guilt is the most powerful of all feelings I have. It is a kind of energy and I mustn't keep it inside otherwise it will transform into something else. Something harmful. I have to find a way to let it out. This energy must leave my mind. (Any suggestions are welcomed).
I try hard not to stop the schedules I have set for myself just because I have run into trouble. I mustn't lose my self determination.
I came about "Feng Shui" the other day and made some searches in the internet. Surly many of you know about it already. Very interesting. It is an ancient Chinese art and knowledge. I recommend it. It is all about how to set things in your home in order to balance energies. A balance between five elements, Wood, Earth, Water, Fire and Metal. You determine the situation of your home using a compass and then draw a map and do some calculations. It is a kind of science really. I also decided to go to yoga classes. My wife and my daughter go to yoga and say it helps a great deal. "Yoga", "Feng Shui", meditation, I don't know what will be next! Oh and I got some burning Indian incense and I am going to get some candles (Fire element). I believe there are things that I don't quite understand how or why but they work.
I dreamt about my father and mother and I saw myself in my own death bed, passing away quite peacefully. I am not superstitious at all but I believe dreams have something in them from our very inner self. It is a communication between the deep and the surface and sometimes they have a healing effect. Though most my dreams are related to my everyday experiences but they are how I really see the world or how I should look at things and I don't. A kind of reminder. So I pay attention to them.
We are having a bit of problem with our kid these days. She is being spoiled by my wife and it is no good for her and us. We have to do something about it soon. I will talk about it to my wife today. When ever she has an unreasonable demand and is confronted with my wife's indecisive reaction she pushes harder until she gives in. it is becoming a fixed action and reaction.
Tow days ago I met an old colleague from the place I first worked. He looked very old and tiered and told me about the problems he had been through from the time we last met. He also told me a very sad story about one other colleague (Mr. Shap) who also used to be our neighbor when I was a little boy. Very sad end. He had died under a very simple operation at hospital and his wife and one of his two daughters were victims in a murder case. I feel sorry for the remaining family member. I knew her as child.

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The mystic House Opposite

One good thing about Radin's house was that its front door opened opposite to another street that joint their street. On the opposite left hand house lived fatty A. The boy who loved dried bread. His parents were always into a quarrel. They fought and were heard by other neighbors. Any family who moved into that house had the same problem without exception. Perhaps it was something to do with house. At least that is what people thought. After fatty A. moved from that house, Shap's family moved in and they had the same problem. A young couple with a little girl, one year younger than Radin.
It was time for Radin to go to school. First day at school was not pleasant at all. It was the first time he was far from her mother and was not used to environments like this. He just couldn't stop crying when her mother left. At last one of the teachers took him into the office and tried to calm him down. It was a very big mixed school with a large swimming pool in the yard. It was one of the best schools in the district. Although Radin's father was not a rich man but had decided to enroll him in this private school. He soon adapted to the place and made a few friends. His favorite teacher was their English teacher. She was young, beautiful and kind. The smell of new books full of colorful pictures. The smell of freshly sharpened pencils and the very first letters he tried to copy into his notebook were all imprinted into his memory for life. What made him different from other children were his big blue or green eyes and white skin. This of course was natural in his family. His father, two of his brothers, his two aunts and most of his relatives had blue eyes. To go to school he had to walk all along the opposite street do a few turns and pass across two other streets. The journey back and forth was something of its own nature. For him it was a world of wonder. First the famous bushy tree. He had told everyone that "this tree, my father has planted it". From where he had got that idea nobody knew but he insisted on it. Then it was the shops. "Mr. Masht"'s shop on the right. A very nagging old man and his ugly wife. he sold things in his shop which looked a thousand years old. He was believed to be a rival to Mr. Shok but he could not match Shok's charm and communication skills. Opposite Masht's shop was a butchery shop. He used to have a boy working for him who since did not have a fixed place to live in he was sometimes locked in the shop for the night. One night he needs to go to the toilet and he gets so frustrated that he does it in a bag and put it inside one of the refrigerators and in the morning when the butcher comes… it was both funny and sad. Some of the doorways also attracted Radin. His world had become larger. The world he himself experienced on his own. He traveled often with his family and seen many places but this somehow was different. A kind of independence. To add to his responsibilities Mr. Shap (opposite neighbor) asked Radin to take his daughter to kinder garden adjacent to his school. He proudly accepted it and felt grown up leading another child to school though she was only one year younger than him. Every first day of the week the headmaster inspected their finger and toes nails. If it was longer than expected or dirty the poor child was punished either by blows to the palm of their hands using a big ruler or were locked in the small shed at the end of the yard. The look of the shed gave Radin a bad feeling. Their English book was very interesting for him with all those pictures. "Look Look, Hey Look". The school was kept quite clean and despite the restrictions imposed he had a very good time there. His best friend at school was "V. Raravan". Radin always talked about him at home. "V. Raravan said this", "V. Raravan said that". His front teeth were fallen and he had big kind brown eyes and a round face. He was always doing something with his bag and chewed the end of his pencils. Another of Radin's friend was "Suzan". She was a thin girl with glasses. The first year at school was the biggest event of his life. The world seamed so wonderful. Full of interesting people (even the headmaster). The wind, the rain, the trees, the fresh air, the smell of different sorts of food from the houses on the way. The running clear water at Jab street, the sweets, the ice creams, the sun…. it seamed that the heart of everything would pump for ever.

Slept well

It all started well today. I had a good rest last night. Woke up refreshed and prepared our "fast eating" breakfast. My wife was in a good mood, too. And my daughter didn't nag about staying home with her grandmother. She seams to enjoy going shopping with her and attending early morning exercises she takes in our nearby park. She must be the youngest in the group. Most of them are grannies of all shapes and sizes.
Last week was very tiring. My mother funeral and the ceremonies afterwards. A blockage of brain veins. She got sick in the morning and passed away in the evening. It would have been very difficult for her at the age of eighty to survive but being paralyzed for the rest of her remaining life. I have seen this in my friend's mother.

I talked to my eldest brother on the phone and I am going to e-mail him today. He must be about sixty now. He must be leading a difficult life. I sometimes feel sorry for him. A restrictive minded person with rigid, set square attitudes who never welcomes any changes or criticisms of any kind. When you talk to him you feel he has made up his mind about what you are saying in advance and his responses are much pre-judgmental. Communication with him is going to be hard but there are things I have to tell him.
I am glad my doctor cut my previous meds. One of the side effects was that it took away sexual desires. I am feeling myself now. I am not that sexually minded or obsessed about it so much as it may occupy large space of my brain. But still being normal again feels good.
Politics and we are confronted with a very hard decision to make. Between two Bads we are to choose the better. The situation has left us with no choice. We have to participate. Those who follow the world news closely have guessed the whole thing.

Today I do not feel as tired as I did yesterday. But things at work have become a bit complicated. We received samples of some items in our last order which is ready for shipment next week. They did not mach our requirements. It is a very large order but I had to postpone it until we make sure they overcome the problem or else we have to cancel these items which takes time and costs a lot to omit from the order.

Yesterday evening I had to play the part of my daughter's son in her game. She is going to make a very restrictive mother who has her child under close control. That is if she keeps being like she was at our game. I confess I did not act as a much obedient son and did not listen to her and made a mess of everything. At times I acted like she sometimes does but I tell you she makes a better parent than both of us. She kept me under control quite well.

The summers
It was evident that Radin and Hash were not going to make successful businessmen. For one thing they were very impatient in waiting for their investment to roll back. One day they bought all the materials needed to make paper kites and went to Radin's basement for the production. They made six or seven kites in different sizes and took them outside in the street for sale. Some of them were given away to close friends and the rest they kept for themselves. Flying paper kites in those days was very popular. They went on the roof and flew their kites high in the sky. What a feeling. When was lunch time they tied the thread to a pole and went downstairs. And at nights they sent up candle lanterns tied to the string. Summer nights in that city were a festive of its own. The houses were mostly two stories and there were hardly any high rise buildings around. To escape the heat most people slept in their gardens or on the roofs. Mrs. Rash's grandson "Siro" was a sleep walker but still they slept on the roof. She tied a string to his foot and tied the other end to her toe. This way she could wake as soon as he moved. Radin just loved sleeping on the roof. He would set up his bed in advance so it got cool before going to bed. He lied down and looked at the stars and went into deep thoughts. About the past, about the future and about things he loved to do and about the kind of person he wished he were. One night he was thinking about life and death. He imagined how it would be when it was his turn to go. He cried for himself that night. Later when her sister found out about it she talked to him and said "Nobody can escape death. Everyone's turn will come but you have many many years ahead of you. Don't worry yourself too much on that." Later in life Radin came to accept death as part of life but he never could make up his mind whether it was the end of everything or just the beginning of something else. Being an optimistic person he looked at the bright side though the doubt still remained. When he was eight in a book he read about a little fish that wanted to escape his little pond and reach the sea, "It is not important how and when I am going to die. What is important is what difference my life and death makes to this world and the people around me."

Family reunion of the third kind

My mother passed away on that Tuesday evening and on Wednesday morning we attended the funeral. Even those family members we saw every two years or so attended. We did all the ritual and religious traditions. We put the dead body on the flour and a clergyman prays for her while others stand behind him repeating. Then we put the dead in the grave and while shaking it some clergyman reads prayers. We said goodbye and buried her. I saw all my cousins and their children that day and also my nephews and nieces. Some of them I had to introduce to my wife since she had never seen them before. We gathered in my older brother's and talked about our memories we had of each other. It all went well. These kinds of family reunions mostly happen at funerals. These last few days have been very tiresome. I received many telephone calls from home and abroad. One was from my eldest brother. He is living in another country. He is a playwright and a theater actor there. I had not talked to him or had any contact of any sort for a long time. "Let us learn to know each other. We are all new people by now after so long time. I will write to you and explain about myself and you do the same. Please understand we have both changed and must not see each other as we knew each other in the past." I told him over the phone in the hope that he too tries to start a new kind of relationship without fixed rigid expectations he feels towards me. He is a good guy but he is the kind of person that when have ideas about someone thought that it was never going to change and that their attitude about other people and their judgment is always correct. For these people it is difficult to consider the present and changes they see in other people and to base their attitude upon that. It is difficult to communicate with him but I am going to give it a try.
Regarding my relationship with my wife, it is starting to work and she seams to understand that the changes she had seen in me is going to last longer than expected. Every morning I get up I say to myself "Take the (right) action – fuck the moods." The feedback of my action encourages me to continue. I feel more relaxed now and take things more easily. More over at night before going to bed I feel I have done all I could. This is not true with everyday though. I can not do much about the ups and downs life brings about. Financial pressures, work, dealing with an eight year old girl and all that. I also had to deal with my moods of depression and mania. I do not fight them but having them and at the same time going on with everyday life is a bit difficult. I have managed so far and hope with positive feedbacks I get I can get through.
Today I got up early though I felt much tiered. I slept all night without springing up in the middle of the night and this is a good sign. My wife is no longer able to take our daughter to work with her. This morning we spent sometime to convince her to stay with her grandmother and so I took her to her grandmother at the shopping center where she goes after her morning exercise in a nearby park. My daughter is a bit spoiled by her mother. But I feel that she needs the love and attention her mother provides and with what I see in her personality it is going to be alright in future.
I said I would discuss what triggered the changes I made in my life and relationship. Well one morning I felt that I had to build things upon what I already had and could not wait for something to just happen and change things. This thought came about by reading other people's blogs. I learn a lot from them. I already had a family, a wife whom I should try to understand more rather than fight to get to my point. Love was at hand and we did not have to look for it in some other place. All we had to do was care for it and let it re-grow and maintain it afterwards and feed it. So I started. Put aside all the past negative thoughts and started from the beginning. Like I have just met her and am starting to know her.


Radin was the youngest child in his family. Then was Fard, four years apart. With all the energy of a young boy and so delicate in his feelings towards nature and animals. He had large light brown eyes and short hair. He brought home cats and chickens and kept them in the garden until they became part of the family. His parents did not approve of this but he had his ways to convince them and when he or Radin had problem convincing their father they got help from their only sister Shal. She had some influence on their father and their father would listen to her. Perhaps because she was his only daughter. She was loved by all the family members and other brothers. She was always the go between when Radin and Fard fought. Her long hair was one of her features Radin always remembered as a child. She had this little white bag that Radin and Fard loved. It always contained some money she had saved. When three of them were alone at home and after some talking and playing she would ask Radin to bring the bag. Took out some money and said " Go and get some ice-cream". That ice-cream was the most delicious ice-cream Radin had had in his life. Fard ate his so slowly so it would last longer and so he was having ice-cream while others had finished theirs. They spent many hours talking about their ideas and thoughts. She sometimes read books for them. Especially at night before going to bed. If it was a thriller they turned the lights off and read in bed using a torch. Radin imagination took him inside the story and he felt every thing as real. He was a very imaginative boy and his mind wandered away. Most of the books they read were translation from other languages and this gave them more insight into other peoples lives in the world. Radin thought how close the feelings of people were no matter how far they lived. One of the books that effected him so much at that age was 'The little prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupyry.
The next child in the family was Asi. He had lived twelve years of his life with another family in his parent's birth town because of problems the family had during their emigration to the big city. Radin did not remember first time Asi joined the family in later years but had heard about it. Asi had been so wild and uncontrollable, the first years. He still resents his having to live far from home and felt to be second rate family member and he never forgave his parents for that. Radin loved Asi for he bought him ice-cream and took him to trips around the neighborhood when he was four or five. He had a very exiting time with him.
Next was Jibi with his black eyes, dark skin and black hair. He looked very different in that all the children were more or less fair and blond. He was very skilful in making up stories but although they knew most of it was made up other brothers and sister would listen to his stories and adventures he said he had experienced during the day. He was so funny and the jokes he made, made everyone laugh.
Then came Bama. He was very different in his manners from others. You could hardly see him smile. And he was all the time nagging about the things they did not have. The family wasn't very well off and the only person who worked was their father, a quiet slow man who didn't talk much. He rarely got angry but when he did he only had to look at them straight in the eyes and that did it. When he came home from work, he had lunch (Radin ate his second round of lunch with him), took a nap during which no one was allowed to make the slightest noise. And most of the evenings he read newspaper, books and listen to the news on the radio.
The eldest son was called Mano. He was the first to go to university and owned a book shelf full of different books. Radin often looked at the books and knew them by their pictures. Radin's mother was a hard working housewife but she was so much full of energy that in the evenings she would gather her children and talk to them telling them jokes and made them happy. Sometimes she talked about the past and told them stories about people she had known. She made life in that house so happy and took away all the worries and made Radin see life so beautiful and full of interesting things and people.

The phone call

Last few days were OK with regard to my new approach towards our relationship. I realized I should not push it too hard. Time is what we need. I just had a telephone call from my sister. She was calling from hospital. Our mother is in CCU with heart complication. They were not allowed in to see her. I had a feeling for the last few days about something like this happening. She is over 80 and she never suffered from any serious illnesses. I am going to the hospital this afternoon. This news has effected all I was going to write today. I remember her working all the time. Raising seven children is really hard work. I had always seen her cooking, washing and cleaning. She also suffered from Bipolar Disorder but was diagnosed and put under medication too late. She suffered for a long time without doctors knowing exactly what it was. You will read about her more in my memories. Losing her is going to be very hard on me. Yet it is another challenge for me as I am trying to cope with my disorder. I have to be strong. I must be strong and take life as it is.
Last night I had a chat with my wife about our relationship. It is very hard to talk to her about feelings. She gets tired and cuts it off. She is not a talkative woman and quite the opposite she talks very little. She has lost her touch with affection and I do not blame her because part of it is my own fault. But she is reluctant to accept her part in it. She is making progress I confess but very slowly. God I wish she was talkative and would talk about herself and about anything. I will not give in though. I will continue to express my feelings towards her and help her in everyday life. I am being more helpful and more effective these days. She works hard and is very tired when she gets home. If I did not cancel my appointment with my doctor tomorrow (because of recent events) I will take her there to see him. Since I went to this doctor and followed his prescription I feel much better. The panic attack has almost disappeared and my anxiety and depression has lessened. He has cut my stabilizer med (Valporate Sodium) and said I could start taking it as soon as I start feeling the symptoms of mania. I sometimes wish the scientists would find a drug that would take away all the negative feelings of this disorder but leave the strong self confidence and self-esteem we feel during the mania. Before my mania gets too hard and at its first stages before I was diagnosed I was working as a manager of an oil company on an island. I managed about twenty people on different working shifts and three consultants who worked for us. I was so much full of energy and did the job so well that I was surprised at myself. I finished projects well ahead of the schedule my boss had expected from me. And on the other hand I kept the personnel so happy. When the problem started I did not let others realized it and flew back home the next day. I had suffered from a different mental problem long ago when I was young and knew that something is wrong but did not know what.
I had to take a less active job and the meds make me slow. If I only could have part of that self-assurance I had before I could be very successful in life. (I am working on it). Bring back the self-confidence without the negative parts. I do not know how to do it but I will give it a try. I intend to make use of being a bipolar rather than putting myself in confinement and isolation. I think people with bipolar have great abilities others could not even imagine but we have to learn to control it and use it as they do with rivers when they build a dam and use the potential energy to produce electricity. I control the actions I do and forget about the feelings. I mean I do not let them lead me in life. But I do not fight them either. The feedback from my surrounding has been positive. Perhaps it comes from my experiences of being a schizophrenic at some point in my life.


A very busy neighborhood. Many families with different backgrounds most of whom had emigrated from small towns to this big city. They had this Mrs. R. who was a widow living with her only son. She would keep her front door a little ajar spying on other neighbors. Everyone knew this and sometimes younger girls would mock her by saying "good morning Mrs. R." when they passed. She just could not stop her habit. One morning when Radin's mother was talking to another woman on the street he met his to be buddy. This boy hid behind her mother and would occasionally look at him and smile. A tanned thin boy with a large fixed smile on his face and protruding big white front teeth. He was called Hash. He was so elastic you could fold him and place him inside a small suitcase. He had a brother who walked with walking sticks. (He had suffered from Infantile Paralysis). And two other brothers, one served in the army and the other, well was not good at school and did not do much. He had no sisters and her mother thanked God for that because their father was so restricted and religious. For quite a long time they were not allowed to watch television. Their mother referred to her husband as "Hash's daddy" and she spoke with a very funny accent. Radin and Hash soon became close buddies. They were together all the time. They met in the street or in each other houses. In the games they played Radin was always the leader leading the game and Hash followed without much objection. Their families were quite different. In Hash family life was so boring. They probably hadn't read a single book all put together and did not see as many films as Radin had seen. That's why Radin led the stories in their games. They never seriously fought except once when they were only nine and they fought over a girl called Maria. Anytime Radin took interest in a girl Hash would follow suit. Radin pushed him and broke his head. A few minutes later Hash came at their front door hand in hand with his older brother with bandaged head. Radin listened while hidden in the store room under the stairs. In later life Radin never forgot the times he spent with Hash. All those long summer afternoons playing quietly under the hot shadows in the street while elders were having their naps. They would sometimes play in Radin's basement where it was cool. They killed each other several times a day with guns made of wood. Sometimes their plane crashed in an deserted island and they had to find their way back home building a raft. They fought Indians together and played detective storis which never ended until it was interrupted by their parents. "Radin go and get some bread". "Hash your mother is at the door". "Come on Hash it is time for lunch." Only then they came back to the real world.
The same relationship Radin had with his older brother but it was other way round. His brother F. would lead the game. F. let Radin play the main character while he created the plots one after another a mystery to be solved. "Bang, Bang". F. was so lively and full of energy. He made friends very easily and was loved for his jokes and his ability to communicate with others even older people. Although he bullied Radin all the time, Radin was so depended on him. They were four years apart but that didn't count when they played together. One day when Radin started shooting at F. with a gun he drop on the floor but was still alive and breathing. A few more shots but he was still alive. Radin used machinegun this time. He still made a groan. "You are dead, You are dead". He used grenades. After the explosion F. made small movement of his little finger to show that he was still alive. Radin never knew that F. will really die at the age of thirty four very far from home in a foreign country. Without any relative at his bedside. In loneliness from an illness he had never heard of in those days, "HIV".

The problem is over

A short time after I started my blog the problem started. I could not get into my blog or any other blogs I frequently visited. At last I found the reason to be the filtering which is going on here. I contacted the service provider and explained these sites should not be filtered and convince them to open access. Now I can continue.
Over the last week or so I have tried to work on my relationship with my wife. What triggered it, I may discuss later. I have decided not to let my moods control my life. What I do is just do what is right despite the feelings I have at the time. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between normal everyday feelings and modes dictated by the disease. She is not responding well to the changes but I guess she needs more time to adjust or understand the new situation. The challenge is hard on me and I am using a lot of energy but I think it is worth it. I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. Nowadays I wake up earlier, prepare the breakfast and try to leave the house together with my wife. Building up a long lost relationship is quite hard because it involves sometimes going through bitter memories or just try to forget the past but it is not impossible. What bothers me most is that I do not know her feelings towards me. All she says is "it is positive." I don't know how to interpret that. Is it love (I don't really think it is) or is it just a shallow feeling towards someone you live with and respect. I'll have to wait and see the result of my efforts. I try to act normal and yet I am full of anxiety and distress. I feel I have lost her. I have reasons to believe that. I have found things about her that worries me but I am not sure about it. Next time I am taking her to my doctor. He said he would try to help. Repairing is a hard job.
Last week we went to my mother-in-law's village for holiday. It is a small mountain village at the end of a winding country road. She has this little house there. My daughter loves it so we decided to leave her there with her grandmother for this week. My wife talks to her on the phone two times a day. Last night she was very disappointed because my daughter was too busy playing and only sent her regards. "Send mom my regards" she said to her grandmother.

Radin's house was a brick house on a busy street. Not much traffic but the street was full of children. Especially in summer. The houses looked almost the same and neighbors all knew each other. In the middle of the street was a small grocery shop which belonged to Mr. Shok. He was uneducated about forty and his love for money was quite evident. His house was behind his shop. Sometimes his father would run the shop. A very tempered old man who said what ever came to his mind. One day one lady went to buy some cooking oil. "This is not the brand I want. I want X" she said. "They are all the same shit" he had told her angrily.
Radin was very thin with blue eyes and blond hair. He was the only child in his family who didn't go to school so he spent the day with her mother. He was about three or four and it was very boring to stay home all the time. Her mother was always busy cooking, washing cloths and cleaning the house. Sometimes when she went shopping she would lock him in. Until he made his first friend, Nazh. She was the same age, very kind and playful. His second play mate was fatty A. A fat little boy who laughed all the time. He loved dried bread. He would soak it in water and eat it like he was having a steak. In those days there were a few people who owned a refrigerator. They had this "Mr. ice-man" who came every day with his donkey loaded with ice. A small bearded man who made funny faces at children and made them laugh. There were many criers who passed the street selling things like bread, fish, fruit and even chicken. Some of them traded old cloths with china. Radin's mother had collected many china plates and saucers this way. She was very dedicated to china wear. Bit by bit she would complete her collection by giving away old cloths.