Vicissitude: Bipolar Disorder and its ups and downs

This is a diary of present and the past by a man who being Bipolar is just part of his life Each post is in two parts first is everyday diary and second is a kind of continuous diary of my past

Name:

Being Bipolar is just part of my life.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Living my own life

Friday early morning I went to near by mountains for a walk and had a big breakfast out. I was down by 8 am. And the night before that I went to cinema on my own. I intend to do that every month. I also want to start doing some painting beside writing poems. Schedules like that make me feel better. Perhaps I was born to be in the army because I love doing routine things at certain time. Of course not to make my life boring but just a bit of predictable list of things to do. I realize that I should look into things I like doing and have my own way of life. I have always been on the look out for what others think of me and missed leading a life of my own. Being worried what my family want of me and my friends and my boss. Well now I want to know what I want from me. I'd better follow my interests. I also need a few new friends in my life. It is hard to find in my age though but I'll give it a try. Today I am taking the car for repairs. Hope it doesn't cost much. It has been making noises on turns.
Don't care much about details of life these days I mean the past or future. It was my doctor advice not to go into details of psychological theories either but I just am so curious about these matters that I can't help it. I just live my life. That's the best I can do. And do not care about the moods. They come and go as they please.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The abundant positive energy around us

Kindness I found we can buy real cheap. For example the ticket person at the Metro. She knows me by now and when I buy the ticket we exchange smiles and sometimes a how are you today. Or the newspaper man, we even exchange a few light jokes about everyday matters. These little relationships matter.
There is a kind of energy around us that we can use with the help of others and we can help them use it. That is why distance here is not important. Because this energy doesn't have to be transmitted, it is there everywhere around us. People just trigger it to be absorbed. That is why when you hear a nice comment and or good wish from so far away you feel good. I believe you can still get this energy even if you do not actually know about it. I mean if the person has good feelings towards you. Well I have maybe gone too far in this but at least it is what I would like to believe.

I am working on a theory (By a PHD) of psychological causation called "The Paradox of Pleasure and Relativity" and it really works for me. It is kind of contrary to all methods I have studied and it works on the basis of negative causation. In short, it says that our energy is limited and the feelings we get is the work of stimulus that make the potential energy ready to work. You enjoy food because you have gone through a negative feeling of hunger. Or you go to sauna and withstand the heat and actually making it difficult for yourself because you know you will have a pleasurable experience in the cold pool. This he says is also true with psychological issues. So I think mood changes in normal situations are happening to make a balance in a day or a week and the stimulus causing them come from outside. In an unnormal situation it comes from inside and lasts too long and is balanced within months. Well these I say not as facts but what I think is happening. A kind of personal opinion really.

I talked to one of my very old friends the other day. We really had a good time talking about good old days and had great laugh. Turning to old regular jokes. I like these regular jokes especially with people whom I have a kind of "Need No Talking Relation". We even joked about who will die first and what the other will do then. He has found one of our elementary school friend F.D. we are going to visit him soon. He is a factory owner now.

A few days back we had a kind of national celebration in which fathers are given presents. What I got was few full loads of washing machines and a full sink of washing up to do and not even a word of congratulates. I am going to thank my wife on that and tell her she shouldn't have gone into so much trouble for me! But really I have given up worrying about things like this.

Today I am going to meet my very old friend from my first year in elementary school, the one I found through the Internet. We were class mates for only one year but we were good buddies then.
I feel so lonely even though I have a family. But then what good is there when there is no real relationship there. It is not even a bad relationship. At least that way I was somehow involved in something but it is neutral. The real friends I have are those I got to know through bloging and here is the only place I can talk, sometimes to myself.
At work, I am involved in so many projects and am busy enough but not much satisfaction out of it. It only keeps me busy. I have the potential to work in more serious environments and I do have the potential. I used to manage a large department dealing with so many employees and numeral contractors. Like an army officer. I must look for a job with more responsibilities.
Have you ever got that feeling that there is something you need and want but you do not know what it is? I have that feeling. Sometimes I think I should bang my head against the wall and see what happens. It couldn't be the meds because I am on lowest dose ever. And only two. And they will be gradually cut to no meds by my doctor when he is back from hospital. He says we give patients meds for panic attacks so that they forget about it and when they do we cut the med. And it also goes for meds for depression.

I sleep well and have real deep dreams. I also use some illegal drugs sometimes which are not good because they are artificial stimulus and I will have to compensate for it by my energy reserves. That is why I do not do it regularly and go through the downs effects.
Good luck to you all and all the best. I love you all.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

BP and Mayonnaise sauce

Mayonnaise main ingredients are, 1- Olive (or fine cooking) Oil, 2- Raw eggs and of course some other additives. You blend them together at high speed in a blender and what you get is the sauce. Some may not like it but it goes well with salad and sandwiches and even sometimes when you feel like it you can have it on its own. Tastes good. Now imagine you were to have the ingredients one at the time, drinking cooking oil and then toss up few raw eggs, yuck. Yes that is it you got it. In a chemically balanced (hard to find these days) brain both are present but blended in a sauce. In BP though they are separated to what they were.
Conclusion: the depression and elevation exit in both chemically balanced and unbalanced brains. BPs only need to blend it again instead of having them separately with the help of the meds. Go to the nearest Fan Fair with your family and find the spiniest machine there. Going round and round in high speed will help them blend.
I tried this last week and am going to the Fair today with my daughter. When I got off the machine I was so imbalanced and walked zigzags but inside it was all blended. Doctors and researchers should look for drugs that can actually bond the chemicals responsible for depression and elevation.
Now the other thing is the title they have given to so many kinds of chemical imbalances. They call all of them Bipolar Disorder. But they can not come under one title. They are so different in people and treated with so many drugs. At least we can find a name for it that clearly explains what happens. If you have any suggestion please tell me. Some only experience depression and are yet called Bipolar. They know some drugs help in different cases with a little try and error to find the right ones but do not know how they help and why. So we have to either choose our own name for the disorder we have and call it that or find a single name that defines it all.
Some suggestions.
Chemical Imbalance Syndrome (CIS)
Mayonnaise Sauce Syndrome (MSS)
Blending Needed Disorder (BND)
Depression but no Mania but still Bipolar Disorder (DMBPD)
I can not diagnose exactly but it is B P Any Way (BPAW)
Also see my previous post for a diagram.

Today

I am so busy at work. When there is the sleeping urge then I have to take a nap. I wish this sleeping urges came around at home but they go away as soon as it is time to go home and they ware off. The nap sometimes is so deep and in that short time I think I even see dreams. Sitting upright on my chair and going to sleep.
Last night my lungs stopped functioning and I couldn't have dinner. Today I smoked only four cigs that I really only puffed without actually smoking them. Life seams so boring. I NEEED a change. It is so boring sometimes that I even don't think about suicide!?
I could do with a bit of deep laugh. Those laughs which came and did not go away until it paralyzed us down to the ground. Like those which I remember we had at school. When I have such a laugh my muscles feel so relaxed and it is then that I realize how tense I really am. I hate statues of seriousness (some of them are around me) but I am turning into one myself. I used to see the funny side of almost everything. Perhaps I should change the way I see things a bit. Have a look at this.

"It is by Yvonne"
TV is on in the other room at work and others are watching football. "Pass the shit you f.ing so and so" They are calling. See you next time.
Feelings: Numbness, anger, bored. Sort of floating.
Depression: I don't know whether it is gone or still there.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Hard Way Up

I want to share the basis on which I balance. It comes from my own experiences and the books I have read. It is a simple fact but believing in it is hard. Imagine a lake full of water a lake with no input or out put the amount of water there is always the same. Now there are forces that help the water to go on higher ground and in the process it gains potential energy. Then the water is released and with the current the energy stored is used up. This is obtained by the fact that the water is always seeking to balance and settle were it came from. Let me explain. For every action that causes imbalance there exits and must be an opposite flow in the opposite direction.
We know this by heart and by our nature. For example we do hard exercises that make us thirsty and tired. We impose this excessive pressure on ourselves because we know there follows thirst and tiredness. A thirst to be satisfied and we enjoy drinking water and we enjoy the shower afterwards and the rest we give to our body. By this we are balancing our body to the point it was in the first place and we are using this transfer to have enjoyment. So there exists opposite flow of feelings when the balance is disturbed. Even in a normal situation when we are feeling well and happy we must realize that there will soon or later be an opposite feeling. With us bipolars when we experiencing mania. The feeling of the up lifting is an outside stimulus caused by the chemical imbalance but the compensation we have to pay by our own limited material. And we experience the opposite direction feeling of depression. It is like having good feeling using drugs. The good feeling is followed by a downfall but the downfall process uses up our own limited resources of energy. To compensate what is lost we have or feel the need to use the drug again and this time since we have lost our limited resource we need to use more drug to get to where we have been before. A close vicious circle and a losing battle. Now in fighting the depression or let us call it the bad feeling we use medication which is good because it also is an outside stimulus. But it should be just enough to overcome the bad feeling and if it is more than that then in return for that extra good feeling the drug gave us we have to use our resources. I know it is hard to make sure we are having the right amount of drug and I am not we can be 100% successful in obtaining it but here are the facts.
Now if we experience the elevation which we call here the good feeling we aught to put a control on it (not fight it since that will cause an opposite reaction later on) just control the flow. Now in both cases the drugs should not be stronger than the feelings but there should be left an empty space for our own efforts to cope with them. To put off small fire a glass of water would do fine we do not need a pool of water.
It is like when the drug addicts try to give us. They must face and live up to the agony of the bad feelings and suffer in order to get back in natural balance.
In the movie "the beautiful mind" if I remember the title correctly, the imaginary characters still existed but were ignored by him. He learnt how to deal with them and lead a normal life. We are going to have a hard time but it is worth it. At the moment the depression is there for me. I do not fight it because it will bite back harder so I just ignore it and go on with my life. Now I feel it to be a creature that is getting smaller and smaller every time. I might even pity for it.
Next time I will explain more and I will recommend a book to read or find information about the context in the Net.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Dandelions

Here is a poem I wrote last night. It sort of came along by itself. There are imbalances there due to the fact that the poem is a translation from my own language into English so you may excuse.

My hands small
My thoughts in a mess
My pen slow
The house is dark
With a small corner
That my wife
Has donated to me
To spend my night
On a bed that I so much hate
I have my own friends in all colors
Nicely packed
Every morning with the help of a glass of white milk
I sallow my friends
The man at the chemist
Is the only person who knows
How unhappy I am
In my wife's eyes I am
An ugly monster
My wife believes
That I should eat up
The throw ups of my past
And that is not just enough
And for the theft of a bread loaf
I must die to the end of time
My love is a few dandelions
That I keep in my hands
In the hope of a breeze
It will soon blow
And I will let go

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Depression is coming back

It's been few days since the depression has been eyeing me making preparations to come back. Last time it was ignored due to my sticking to my schedules. It looks like a creature and it knows it has been ignored. This time I have set a tighter list of things to do while it is around.
Last week a girl phoned me from a firm selling fire extinguishers. I said I might buy one for my car and that I would phone. Ever since she kept ringing me to see if I was going to buy one. By now she doesn't care if I'd buy or not and she keeps calling me and talking to me. She reads me poems she has written herself and says I am a good listener. Well I don't mind it and enjoy talking to her. She is only 19 so I'll keep it at that. Just a phoning friend. She is nice and full of energy and of course with ideas about life that you expect from a 19 years old girl. She has told me everything about herself. She thinks life has treated her unfairly and all that. I just listen and can't say much because she is experiencing things we have experienced somewhere along our lives and she has to snap out of it by herself.
The sleepy thing is also back and bothers me but I manage to keep awake. Inside I feel I am young again and can't stop being funny at times. Though I have no one to share it with. I am being nice to everyone even though I don't feel right all the time. My wife, well I am being real nice to her but she does not respond. She is still annoyed of things of the past and I can't do much about it. I mean what can I do when she prefers to live in the past.
My medication is at its lowest. I had bad news about my doctor. He is gone to hospital to undergo a heart operation and won’t be back until next month. So my appointment this month was canceled. Last time we met he gave me a very detailed information about my condition and said whenever I needed to go to doctor I should tell him or her, this and that. Now I understand why he said all that. I hope he is well again and back to work. He was going to cut my meds further but now I guess I will have to stick to it until he is back.
Lately I am even busier at work. Many samples are arriving and purchases are rising. I have to keep track of all these. I receive forty to fifty mails everyday I have to answer.
My brother did not respond to me anymore and has stopped. Well I guess he is not interested. Never mind!
When I am carrying a heavy thing and I have to carry it long distance, I usually do not think about the destination and I say to myself my next step is my next destination. I just try to keep on moving. Now I am in the same situation. I do not know how long I can keep it up but I will go on. I need a rest to all this. Hope it is round the next corner. It might sound silly but I feel I need someone or something to put all my trust in and give all my love to and absorb as much as I can. Perhaps a hobby can do that for me or a new friend.
In any case life goes on and I am trying to catch up. Maybe I should relax and let it go on sometimes.