Depression is coming back
It's been few days since the depression has been eyeing me making preparations to come back. Last time it was ignored due to my sticking to my schedules. It looks like a creature and it knows it has been ignored. This time I have set a tighter list of things to do while it is around.
Last week a girl phoned me from a firm selling fire extinguishers. I said I might buy one for my car and that I would phone. Ever since she kept ringing me to see if I was going to buy one. By now she doesn't care if I'd buy or not and she keeps calling me and talking to me. She reads me poems she has written herself and says I am a good listener. Well I don't mind it and enjoy talking to her. She is only 19 so I'll keep it at that. Just a phoning friend. She is nice and full of energy and of course with ideas about life that you expect from a 19 years old girl. She has told me everything about herself. She thinks life has treated her unfairly and all that. I just listen and can't say much because she is experiencing things we have experienced somewhere along our lives and she has to snap out of it by herself.
The sleepy thing is also back and bothers me but I manage to keep awake. Inside I feel I am young again and can't stop being funny at times. Though I have no one to share it with. I am being nice to everyone even though I don't feel right all the time. My wife, well I am being real nice to her but she does not respond. She is still annoyed of things of the past and I can't do much about it. I mean what can I do when she prefers to live in the past.
My medication is at its lowest. I had bad news about my doctor. He is gone to hospital to undergo a heart operation and won’t be back until next month. So my appointment this month was canceled. Last time we met he gave me a very detailed information about my condition and said whenever I needed to go to doctor I should tell him or her, this and that. Now I understand why he said all that. I hope he is well again and back to work. He was going to cut my meds further but now I guess I will have to stick to it until he is back.
Lately I am even busier at work. Many samples are arriving and purchases are rising. I have to keep track of all these. I receive forty to fifty mails everyday I have to answer.
My brother did not respond to me anymore and has stopped. Well I guess he is not interested. Never mind!
When I am carrying a heavy thing and I have to carry it long distance, I usually do not think about the destination and I say to myself my next step is my next destination. I just try to keep on moving. Now I am in the same situation. I do not know how long I can keep it up but I will go on. I need a rest to all this. Hope it is round the next corner. It might sound silly but I feel I need someone or something to put all my trust in and give all my love to and absorb as much as I can. Perhaps a hobby can do that for me or a new friend.
In any case life goes on and I am trying to catch up. Maybe I should relax and let it go on sometimes.
Last week a girl phoned me from a firm selling fire extinguishers. I said I might buy one for my car and that I would phone. Ever since she kept ringing me to see if I was going to buy one. By now she doesn't care if I'd buy or not and she keeps calling me and talking to me. She reads me poems she has written herself and says I am a good listener. Well I don't mind it and enjoy talking to her. She is only 19 so I'll keep it at that. Just a phoning friend. She is nice and full of energy and of course with ideas about life that you expect from a 19 years old girl. She has told me everything about herself. She thinks life has treated her unfairly and all that. I just listen and can't say much because she is experiencing things we have experienced somewhere along our lives and she has to snap out of it by herself.
The sleepy thing is also back and bothers me but I manage to keep awake. Inside I feel I am young again and can't stop being funny at times. Though I have no one to share it with. I am being nice to everyone even though I don't feel right all the time. My wife, well I am being real nice to her but she does not respond. She is still annoyed of things of the past and I can't do much about it. I mean what can I do when she prefers to live in the past.
My medication is at its lowest. I had bad news about my doctor. He is gone to hospital to undergo a heart operation and won’t be back until next month. So my appointment this month was canceled. Last time we met he gave me a very detailed information about my condition and said whenever I needed to go to doctor I should tell him or her, this and that. Now I understand why he said all that. I hope he is well again and back to work. He was going to cut my meds further but now I guess I will have to stick to it until he is back.
Lately I am even busier at work. Many samples are arriving and purchases are rising. I have to keep track of all these. I receive forty to fifty mails everyday I have to answer.
My brother did not respond to me anymore and has stopped. Well I guess he is not interested. Never mind!
When I am carrying a heavy thing and I have to carry it long distance, I usually do not think about the destination and I say to myself my next step is my next destination. I just try to keep on moving. Now I am in the same situation. I do not know how long I can keep it up but I will go on. I need a rest to all this. Hope it is round the next corner. It might sound silly but I feel I need someone or something to put all my trust in and give all my love to and absorb as much as I can. Perhaps a hobby can do that for me or a new friend.
In any case life goes on and I am trying to catch up. Maybe I should relax and let it go on sometimes.
posted by Radin | 12:52 AM
5 Comments:
Sorry to hear that depression is threatening again. I wish you the best in keeping the beast away. It's such a shame to read that your family members aren't offering much support at the moment. You have such a good way of looking at things, radin. You deserve the best.
Good plan, Radin. Having a list of things to do is one of the things my t always tries to get me to do when I am depressed.
Sorry to hear about your doc. Hope he has a speedy recovery and is back soon.
Polar Bear
I agree with polar bear, lists are a great help. I don't use them daily, but I use them shopping & while that may sound trivial, I'm sure it saves me hundreds of dollars.
It sounds as though you have a good rapport with your doctor, sorry he's ill.
Maybe take some breaks during the day? Schedule them in, write them on a LIST. :)
Take it easy, Radin.
I agree too that lists are very important. Just make sure that the lists are not simply to do lists, but lists of things that will really help you to feel better. It makes me so happy when I see folks trying to actually manage their illness.
(((Radin)))
"..I feel I need someone or something to put all my trust in and give all my love to and absorb as much as I can."
Out of that entire post, that was the sentence that I can identify with most. As I know you read the other day, I feel like I a need something stable and solid in my life as well. Even when I have a glimpse of hope, I am living in constant fear of the next fall.
The important thing to remember is that the depressive times do end...sometime. We just have to hang on during the hard times, and wait for the relief.
Also, thank you for the recent comments at my blog and for the support. It really does help to hear the opinions of others that have similar issues as me.
I will be back to visit again soon. Take care of you.
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