Bipolar and me

It's been a hard task for me ignoring the moods and just going on with my life but it is paying off. In my previous posts I tried to ignore it even in my writing. Well this is to say that it has helped me and it might help you, too. The feelings come and go and I am getting used to them and am not so sensitive about them and take them as not being me which is true. I am not as sensitive as I used to be towards others as well. On the other hand I speak up my mind and do not care about the consequences and just practice on my relation with others. I still have my panic attacks and my good and bad days but they seam to affect my daily life much less. I not only accepted but also believe that Bipolar Disorder is a chemical problem in the brain and that is that. I have separated the normal feelings I have from those caused by my disorder. I mean if one day I feel down it doesn't necessarily mean it is to do with being BP.
Blogging has help a great deal and also going through other blogs, BP or otherwise.
I have also worked in making positive and permanent changes in me. Not by going into details of psychological explanations and theories or trying fast resulted methods of working inside my head, like positive thinking or things like that but, by taking action in real life, restoring my relationships which I think is important because it is part of the real everyday life. And by experimenting practical changes.
My view of life used to be a very hard one and I took everything so seriously. I know things in life are real serious but I have eased my views a bit.
Like my doctor said once. We look at the sky and say to ourselves, oh that is beautiful. But in reality it is not beautiful. It is so frightening. We are on a piece of rock in the middle of space and amongst so many galaxies. Going round the sun. so it is much better to just say what a beautiful sky rather than think, well what is it all about. I am not against deep thinking but not all the time and about everything around us. It has its place sometime and someplace in our lives. It is true about what goes on in our brains, especially if we suffer from something like BPD. Well we are BP and these are the results of what it does to us. But I have my life, my responsibilities and have to work and try to live a better life and improve and even have to involve in the competition of life and be part of the race. I have and understand my abilities and I know I can do better than some. But also I accept the limitations. I expect from myself things that are with accordance to what I really am and of course if needed I will try to add to my abilities.

Find the Mafia

In my previous post I talked about a game we played and here I explain it.
Today started well. Taking a shower and shave. Have fast breakfast and meds. Got into car and took Sara to school and wife to work. Park the car and take the tube to work. A few minutes ago a panic attack started. I am trying to stay calm.
We have a problem at Sara's school. They had a very good teacher to begin with but she had to go to university and was substituted by another teacher who is very restricted.

Now the game we played during our holiday, "Find the mafia", you may already know it by another name. In any case I am going to explain it for those who are interested.
The ideal number of players is seven and the eighth person acts as the god.
God has seven cards, ace of spades, two black numbered cards and four red numbered cards from the pack. The numbers are not important. Only the color is important.
The god then gives each player a card. The players look at their cards and then the game starts. Ace of spade is the detective. Two black cards are the mafia members. And the red cards are the police.
The god calls to the players "It is night, everyone sleep" and the players close eyes.
The god: "Mafia open eyes" the two mafia open eyes.
The god: "Mafia close eyes"
The god: "Detective open eyes"
The god: "Detective close eyes"
The god: "It is morning, wake up"
Everyone opens eyes. Now they start talking. Each talk and give their reason what they think others are. And those who are accused of being mafia member can defend themselves. When all the talking is done. The god declares "Voting time".
Each person has only one vote to give. They have to vote who to kill as suspected mafia member. God calls each person name and others vote. Players keep their vote for the person they think is the mafia member. So one is killed by vote and leaves the game.
The god: "IT is night, everyone sleep". They close eyes.
The god: "Detective, open eyes". The detective open eyes and by pointing to one of the players asks god if that person is police or mafia and god by showing a red or black card tells him. Only one person.
The god: "Detective close eyes"
The god: "Mafia, open eyes". The mafia open eyes and together they decide who to kill and by pointing to that person show god which is killed.
The god: "Mafia, close eyes". "It is morning everyone wake up"
They open eyes and then god declares the one who was killed the night before. And he or she is out of the game. Those who are killed are not allowed to reveal what they were, mafia or police or the detective and have to keep silence to the end of the game.
The talking, arguing, accusing and defending starts. And vote is taken to kill one.
The game continues this way until either mafia or police wins. Through the game and at nights even if the detective has been killed god has to say the same words "detective open eyes" and "detective close eyes" and leave a short pause in between them.
The game is still exciting for those who are killed and just follow the game. Because they now know who the mafia members are and listening to the arguments is also fun. If the number of players is more then you may decide to add to the number of mafia members.
Well that is it. For those who did not know the game.

Summer holiday

I was away a few days for my summer vacation. We traveled to the north sea. Next time I will send you pictures. My sister and her family. My brother and his family and us. We spent time by the sea on the sandy beach and went to the jungle where we had chicken barbecue for lunch. We had all these young people around us (my nephew and nieces) which made the atmosphere so pleasant. At nights we stayed up and played "find the mafia". It is an interesting game. I will explain it later if you are interested. It doesn't need much, just a few cards. After we came back I took my family to the mountain village where we have a small cottage for the rest of their holidays and drove back home myself. Last night I went back again to bring them home this morning. I am now at work and all I wana do is go home and SLEEP.
I am going to check on what I might have missed in blogs I frequently visit. By the way I have set up a blog for my daughter so that she can write her diary there. I help her with it. She keeps a diary and always writes down her experiences. In case you have children of same age they can visit her blog and perhaps become friends. The address is http://bluespaceship.blogspot.com . She loves it when she gets comments there.
Two weeks ago I went to my doctor together with my wife. No change in my meds and he believes I am doing fine. The moods do change now and again but I do not let them effect my life. I just ignore them and accept them to be part of my life. It is not easy but I have managed so far. Yesterday I realized that I was questioning the very reason of life but then got over it and said to myself to relax and not look for answers and go on with it. What is the use of going into the philosophy of life when I am not even well equipped with the necessary knowledge? Those who claim they have answers after so many years studying are not sure themselves.

"Follow me" said the wise man, then he walked behind.

I do not want to feel old but I sense I am being dragged into the strange dark cave of feeling old. I know that it is only a feeling. I don't mean that I do not accept getting old. It is a natural biological change. It is that I hate feeling I am nearing the end. Why should I feel that I don't know? I don't want to remind myself this. I just want to live life as it is and as long as it takes. I have lost much of my life energy along the way of my disease. I have to regain it somehow. Perhaps some physical exercises would help.
Until next time with some pictures of my vacation and other daily stuff bye.

Last week was my birthday

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table.We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"She said, "Let's go to my apartment."After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back.""Ok." I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and colleagues, all singing "Happy birthday".And I just sat there...On the couch...Naked.(From Brother in law mk.2)

Let's Just Live

There are numeral methods to control our moods and or cope with them. But I realized that I should choose amongst them the one that most suits me individually, check its success in the past and use it as best as I can. I mean it is better than jumping from one method to the other in hope of fast relief. Of course that doesn't mean not testing a few to see how they are. Ignoring the presence of the moods and keeping a routine has helped me greatly. As Dr. Debora Serani commented on my previous post some methods like I gave an example of should be " presented by an experienced therapist". So I am going to talk about it to my doctor to see if he knows about it and if he can practice it.
Doing things I like doing has helped me, too. One gets a feeling of self respect. I am going to do it more often even if it is not approved by others. Well it is natural they have not seen me think of myself so they are not used to it and it is normal. I am committed to find a good teacher for my painting classes to come. Art is very useful for BPs. I even might try photography. I do have previous experiences in that field. Poetry is also good but is not so much presentable as others since, the feeling of being heard by the art you do is also important. I mean you can not go around giving poems to others to read and say what they think but with photos and paintings it is done automatically.
Loving oneself doesn't mean being selfish. For love we go so far, to others but I think we should start at home of our own self. How can we expect love of others if we fail to love ourselves? We do not need to be perfect. We are just one of the millions with our positive and negative sides. Let's accept what we are and begin to appreciate it. Of course we should work to be better but that doesn't mean we forget all about living our lives. Being too sensitive is one of my weaknesses. I want to be accepted by almost everyone so I unintentionally try to be hundred persons in one to satisfy all different tastes. In result I can't decide which one is the real me. I should learn to stick to my own beliefs and present myself as I really am. And not worry about reactions I might provoke. For a person who has been so much flexible all his life, this is going to be a tough job. I think it is time to take a rest of my own continuous self changes according to the outside waves and stop. Accept what I am now. Appreciate what I have gained in life and respect what I find valuable. Mingle with the crowd and keep my head up. I may lose a few friends, find new ones, be criticized, be hated, be loved and all that comes. That is what millions are confronted with and are just living their lives. This way I will be amongst those I really like. I just live my life as it is and learn as I go along. I just see what happens. (more later …)

There are two sides to a disaster like the one at New Orleans, one is the immediate aides and relieves needed and the other is the reconstruction. The latter takes more time. So after the news die down eventually we should remember that the help should not stopped and forgotten. It takes more than a sudden rash of humanitarian feelings in a limited time.

A method to control depression

I came across this article in my newsletters about health. I thought others might find it interesting. What do you think about it?

Article: A Powerful Method for Healing Depression - by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Kendra had been depressed on and off for the last three years before consulting with me. “I’ve tried various medications and they help somewhat, but I still feel depressed. I’ve tried psychotherapy and it also helps a little but not enough for me to feel happiness or peace inside. I hate feeling this way and I just don’t know what to do.”The first thing that I did with Kendra was to help her create a personal source of spiritual guidance. I asked her to make up a being who was very loving, wise and powerful - a man, woman or animal to whom she could turn to, in her imagination, for help and guidance. Kendra made up an older Indian medicine woman whom she called Elder One.Next I asked Kendra where in her body she felt the feeling of depression. “In my heart and stomach. My heart and stomach often feel so heavy and sad.” “Kendra, imagine that your feeling self, the part that is presently depressed, is a child within. How old is this child?” She told me she thought the child was around six. “Now, imagine that you are sitting in a beautiful place in nature with Elder One. Imagine that Elder One is surrounding you with love so that you feel safe. Now imagine that little six-year old depressed Kendra is also with you. Ask her how she feels about you as her inner parent, her inner mom and dad. Ask her how you are treating her that is causing her to feel depressed. Ask her out loud.”“Okay. Little Kendra, how you you feel about me as a parent? How am I treating you that is causing you to feel so depressed?”“Now go inside and imagine that you are little Kendra and that you are talking to you as the adult, the inner parent. What do you as little Kendra want to say to adult Kendra? How does adult Kendra treat you? What is adult Kendra doing that causes you to feel so bad?”Little Kendra: “I barely exist for you. You really don’t care about how I feel. You never stand up for me with other people. You decide on things without ever asking me how I feel about it - like having dinner with Kathy tonight. I don’t want to have dinner with Kathy. All she does is talk about herself and I just end up feeling drained. But you don’t care about how I feel. You don’t want to say no or tell Kathy the truth because she might feel hurt or angry, but what about me? You never speak up for me with Harold (her husband) either. I just feel like I don’t exist in this marriage, just like with Mom. You treat me just like Mom treated me - like what I want and feel doesn’t matter. Other people are always more important than me. Of course I’m depressed! How else would you expect me to feel?” Kendra started to cry at this point, and little Kendra continued. “I’m so mad at you! When are you going to care about me!”“So,” I said, “You are a caretaker with your husband and friends. You take care of them but neglect yourself. You allow them to control you without standing up for yourself. Can you see how this would lead to depression?”Kendra was quite stunned by this information. She had believed that her depression was caused by outside events rather than by how she was treating herself. She thought it was due to a chemical imbalance and to her husband’s controlling behavior. She may have indeed had a chemical imbalance that resulted from the stress of not taking care of herself, but the imbalance was likely the result rather than the cause of her stress and resulting depression. Her husband was indeed controlling but it was her response to him and others that was the cause of her depression, rather than her husband’s or friends’ behavior. Kendra began to see that until she had the courage to take loving care of herself, she would continue to be depressed. Through practice, she learned to open to Elder One for guidance about loving behavior toward herself. As she began to take loving action for herself - for her Inner Child - her depression gradually diminished until she was able to get off the medication. Now, when she feels the depression coming up, she knows that there is some way she is not taking care of herself. She speaks with little Kendra to find out what it is and with Elder One to discover the loving action. When she has the courage to take the loving action, her depression goes away. Kendra has learned a powerful, spiritually-based method for healing her depression.

Disaster

The news about the disaster in New Orleans is coming in and makes me real sad. I wanted to express my concern and sympathy for those effected. I don't need to be an American to feel sad for my fellow humans. In situations like this one does not know what to say. Well I know that words are not enough so I will try to do something no matter how small.
At some point in my life I worked for the doctors without border. I have seen how people are affected by disasters. I have been to the refugee camps and seen families or shall I say what was remained of families living in tents. When you talked to them you just feel strange. Not long ago they had been living in the comfort of their own homes and now they have to live in tents and depend on organizational aides. And they are considered the lucky ones. Amongst them were pregnant women and small children. And I have seen how in extreme cold they were given emergency food packages to keep them alive. I pray and have my deepest respect for people who are dedicated to help and do reliefs work. There were reports of thefts of the aides intended for the refugees and I did not know what to make of it.
Those taking part in the lootings can't be called human beings.
My experiences in those years have always remained with me. On the other hand we learn how adoptive humans are and how strong they are. Our abilities are so enormous and in normal situations we only use small part of it.

The Ceasefire

Things are getting better and better. Usually when things go so well I have a feeling of peace before storm. But I put aside that feeling now and just enjoy the changes. My doctor seams to be OK. And my wife has made an appointment to see him. It is good for her. I saw a program about how our brains work under pressure and competition. Very interesting. We learn things using our conscious part of brain and when we are expert we use our subconscious and does the work automatically. And under pressure however the brain goes back to use the conscious part and so making mistakes like a new learner. And thinking you will win helps you continue in difficult moments. And watching another program about physics and different theories and revolutions in this field, I learnt that we should not look for the ultimate truth or the one and only equation that can explain everything. The goal is to learn about the relationships between things and how they work. To make a long story short I take that I should just be what I am and at the same time try to see the world from different angles to learn more.
On Friday morning mountains and breakfast is on. We are going to make omelet and tea there on wood fire.
My daughter writes her diary and I asked her if she wanted a blog to post her diary there. She is only eight but she finds it satisfying writing her diary of good or even bad events. Last night she came home crying because of something and the first thing she asked for was her diary to write down the bad event that had made her cry. It is a good way to let it out and I am happy for this.
My goal is now to lead an ordinary life because I think to do some extraordinary thing you have to be ordinary first! It just came and I have to read it over and over myself to get the idea. I am not looking for ultimate answers to everything "life, universe and everything" like in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I would probably come up with a number.
Life seams good at this very moment and I try to enjoy it and do not care about future or the past. We are not here to solve everything and to solve part of it is just enough. I always thought things should be solved straight away and get best result but now I understand my limits and know things can wait. Most of our life is our everyday life and actually biggest part of it. I shouldn't forget about it and tangle myself too much on matters that can wait and are not so immediate. I am getting old I suppose.