Life has to change
I had lot on my mind but didn't have the right feeling to put it down. I felt kind of depressed last week. I say kind of because I can't put my finger on it. It wasn't like before. I knew I was in depression but life seemed to go on its own. I also went through the urge to sleep. I started to do some experiment on the mania side. Well I have all it takes. I am bipolar. I have had the experience and know all the ingredients it needs. I just try to trim it sort of so that the good feeling is felt without the extremes that are so noticeable and disturbing in social life. I haven't been that successful but I will continue and try to bring it about intentionally. The medication I continue and will have my sleep scheduled though. There are people who are mania all their life and they are alright and it is accepted as part of their personality. I think the problem with me is that I don't have the capacity to withstand it and make use of it. It gives me the shock to see myself so powerful and full of energy. The contrast it has to my normal self is shocking. My doctor thinks we bipolars have a gift and in stages of mania we experience things others don't dream of. When I first had it I was in a managerial job on a project and the effect it had on my work was incredible. I accomplished real hard objectives and was so influential. I managed so many people and few subcontractors. Once I experienced it I knew it is there somewhere within me. The power is there and I have to bring it about and use it. It is like nuclear power. It needs controlling or else it will blow up like a bomb. I don't care much about the consequences. I feel that is real me oppressed over the years. Oppressed by my fears and the conditions the environment has dictated to me. The power of influencing others is what I experienced. I felt like a child experiencing the here and now with the help of all the power I possessed in my senses. All the senses and not only the five known senses. It is like waking out of a dream to a bright day. Bright sunlight. We have to oppress it with medication because others who have known us for quite sometimes feel we are weird. And it frightens us, too. I am going to live only once and I don't want to grow old and think I have done nothing about it. After all I have nothing to lose. I know I can be a powerful person through it. All I have to do is avoid a few exaggerated feelings of having irrational powers beyond my limits. I have to keep within the real world.