Vicissitude: Bipolar Disorder and its ups and downs

This is a diary of present and the past by a man who being Bipolar is just part of his life Each post is in two parts first is everyday diary and second is a kind of continuous diary of my past

Name:

Being Bipolar is just part of my life.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Life has to change

I had lot on my mind but didn't have the right feeling to put it down. I felt kind of depressed last week. I say kind of because I can't put my finger on it. It wasn't like before. I knew I was in depression but life seemed to go on its own. I also went through the urge to sleep. I started to do some experiment on the mania side. Well I have all it takes. I am bipolar. I have had the experience and know all the ingredients it needs. I just try to trim it sort of so that the good feeling is felt without the extremes that are so noticeable and disturbing in social life. I haven't been that successful but I will continue and try to bring it about intentionally. The medication I continue and will have my sleep scheduled though. There are people who are mania all their life and they are alright and it is accepted as part of their personality. I think the problem with me is that I don't have the capacity to withstand it and make use of it. It gives me the shock to see myself so powerful and full of energy. The contrast it has to my normal self is shocking. My doctor thinks we bipolars have a gift and in stages of mania we experience things others don't dream of. When I first had it I was in a managerial job on a project and the effect it had on my work was incredible. I accomplished real hard objectives and was so influential. I managed so many people and few subcontractors. Once I experienced it I knew it is there somewhere within me. The power is there and I have to bring it about and use it. It is like nuclear power. It needs controlling or else it will blow up like a bomb. I don't care much about the consequences. I feel that is real me oppressed over the years. Oppressed by my fears and the conditions the environment has dictated to me. The power of influencing others is what I experienced. I felt like a child experiencing the here and now with the help of all the power I possessed in my senses. All the senses and not only the five known senses. It is like waking out of a dream to a bright day. Bright sunlight. We have to oppress it with medication because others who have known us for quite sometimes feel we are weird. And it frightens us, too. I am going to live only once and I don't want to grow old and think I have done nothing about it. After all I have nothing to lose. I know I can be a powerful person through it. All I have to do is avoid a few exaggerated feelings of having irrational powers beyond my limits. I have to keep within the real world.

18 Comments:

Blogger jane said...

I've never thought about bringing mania on intentionally. But after reading what you wrote, I may try it just for a few days to see if I can overcome my fear of sewing. Maybe I'll be able to understand what I can't right now.
I agree about a 'gift' at times. But it's also a gift that comes with baggage...depression.
You've got such good insight to bipolar disorder. Your posts always enlighten me.

October 24, 2005 2:51 PM  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I don't know if you've read the book "Touched by Fire" by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a leader in talking about bipolar disorder. She is a psychologist who experiences bipolar and has been wonderfully outspoken and respected in the field. "Touched by Fire" talks about creativity, emotional experiences etc. that many people have...along the lines of what your doctor said.

~Deb

October 25, 2005 6:22 AM  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I voted for your blog by the way. We think alike and travel in the same circles bc I'm there too.

~Deb

October 25, 2005 6:23 AM  
Blogger Radin said...

Dear Jane, thanks for your kind words. I am doing all this because I have to live with it all my life.

Dear Dr. Deborah, I have not read the book but I sure will go for it. It is so nice to hear it from you. After all you are educated in this field. It gives me confidence in what I am after. Thanks for your vote.

October 25, 2005 1:45 PM  
Blogger Radin said...

Dear Kathy, thank you for your information. If you have any other please let us know more.

October 25, 2005 11:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Radin, thanks so much for visiting my blog. I'm gonna read yours this morning, but I wanted to tell you that you can map yourself on my Frapper map. There are some arrows in the top left corner of the map, which allow you to scroll anywhere in the world!

October 26, 2005 6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a friend, who when in his mania stage, is EXTREMELY creative. That's whe composes poetry and/or songs, or just writes the most profound things.

I've read a bit of your journey; and just want to say thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

Have you come to a decision about the China move?

October 26, 2005 9:58 AM  
Blogger elvira black said...

When I was hypomanic for the first time, it was like being reborn, and it's always such a relief to emerge from a depression. But my earliest manias were fairly severe, and though my bosses loved my creative breakthroughs, I could be very belligerent too. Luckily, my hypomanic interludes seem to have become less intense, or maybe I have learned to harness them better. Great post.

October 26, 2005 11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a load of crap! I have been diagnosed as bipolar for over 30 years. If I could bring on mania at will, I would have been doing it or years. I've just discovered what "normal" is within the past two years. I'd be happy to be normal for the rest of my days on earth. That alone will be a challenge.

YFB Bob

October 28, 2005 6:07 AM  
Blogger Radin said...

Dear Bob
If you have experience in this field why not share it with others. You do not have to call others' opinions crap. What I say is also what I experienced. I do not mean to bring about the mania and suffer. I mean the mania phase has its positive sides which can be used and controlled. There are professionals who think they have misunderstood some points regarding Bipolar Disorder. I am happy that you are normal. Some of the high energy and creativity involved in mania is also normal and is experienced by normal people to help them in their everyday life. Some people just spend money to learn the technique of positive thinking. You better go through my other posts and avoid judging things so fast and jumping into conclusions. Bipolar disorder is a name given to so many disorders which are unique for each individual. And being Bipolar for 30 years does not make you an expert neither do I claim to be one. Thanks for the comment anyway. Hope to see more of you.

October 28, 2005 11:04 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Radin, what an interesting point within which to view our moments of mania and harnessing their power. It is something I had not considered in that light but when I look back I think I have used it for a long time in business. If you do get the chance do read the book as recommended. It is interesting because it was recommended to me years prior to my own diagnosis and I readily identified myself with it. I have read a few of her books and enjoy her work.

Thanks so much for your recent comment on my blog. No, you are not the only one and I have identified with you from the very beginning. We share some very interesting things.

I try to remember that "normal" is just a state of mind. I have yet to meet anyone who can give me a definitive definition of what "normal" is.

Take good care

October 30, 2005 12:06 AM  
Blogger Danny said...

Radin,

I think that moderation is the key here, as it seems to be the recipe for a successful and happy life. As your doctor says, I too believe that it is indeed a gift given to us - to allow us to do very special things. Hang in there and just do the best that you can. Your insight and keen observation will see you through.

November 01, 2005 10:10 AM  
Blogger Jon said...

It's interesting that you come to the realization of harnessing your bipolar at the same time I did. It truly is a gift - and I'm trying to use it to it's fullest. I experience exactly what you describe during hypomanic phases, and it's an incredible feeling. If I could bring those phases on myself my feet would never touch the ground. I'd be Superman. Actually I WAS Superman a week or so ago, now I'm just me...

November 01, 2005 1:45 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I think Bob is living in a dreamworld. Sometimes living during the mania is the only way we can live. I can't work without mania, I can't spend time with my children. There is so much I can't do without the mania. Would I prefer to be "normal"? Hell yeah, but I'm not. So I will make the most of what I can during manic phases. Thank you for sharing Radin.

November 27, 2005 2:01 PM  
Blogger soze said...

"normal"...i think if bob were to truly experience the gifts of bipolar disorder, he would come to see that there is no such thing. radin, i also am interested in harnessing the mania. the key is to not let fear rule your thoughts...

January 29, 2006 10:30 AM  
Blogger Radin said...

thanks for visiting my blog and good luck with your project.

April 05, 2006 12:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am forever seeking out life on the fringe but also wanting to a be in a safe warm place.
jester or sage revolutionary or/and protector the realm.

February 25, 2007 5:54 PM  
Blogger Radin said...

Oh dear friend, since that post in October up to this date everything has changed. Perhaps I should have shared and must now share it with you. I can now say that I was right and that not only have I successfully came out of the thing but also became stronger than I was before, even before I had experienced being a bipolar.
These changes are not illusion and are real. My feet are firmly on the ground and I live in the real world. The problems of life are there OK but I am actively involved.
I no longer use meds. (that is not at all recommended as a first step) and thanks to the positive side of being a bipolar (not everyone can be bipolar and it needs strong abilities, that may surprise you but it is true) I have changed my life for the better. I had the problem of social stigma attached to my past as a (so they think) mentally disordered person and the people around me and now that is over. They know me as I am and accept my new self. In some points they are to follow. Life is beautiful and the real world is wonderful (with all its nice and ugly things). No it is not that my attitude towards life and the world has changed or the way I see it. IT IS GOOD IN ITS OWN NATURE.
I may continue to put new posts to discuss this and many things I have been through (good and bad).

February 25, 2007 10:27 PM  

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