Vicissitude: Bipolar Disorder and its ups and downs

This is a diary of present and the past by a man who being Bipolar is just part of his life Each post is in two parts first is everyday diary and second is a kind of continuous diary of my past

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Being Bipolar is just part of my life.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Future, Past and Present

I was thinking about my Internet friends and blogs I visit. It is a strange feeling of closeness. It is not like other relations and connections I have ever had. I had this sort of feeling reading books from different writers from around the world but this is unique in its own right. I felt but could not imagine how close people were in this world. In their feelings and in their thoughts. Politicians make things appear so dole and dark but it is not so. They draw borders and make us feel so apart. In this respect they are all on one side.

I have a daughter of 8 with so many plans for her future. She is full of energy and potential. And my wife deserves more; I mean she has many things she wants to do. They are stuck. Because of the problems we face living here. These problems are so silly by nature and for others living in other parts of the world would seem weird and impossible to imagine. I am not idealistic and do not ask for much for them. Just the right base and environment for them to grow in. I am thinking about immigration into another country. Wish me luck and pray for me. I know the problems and difficulties involved but it is worth it. Bringing up a child here is getting more and more difficult not because of financial side but mostly cultural. I want her to become an independent and free lady.

The sleeping urge that has been bothering me for a few days was finally over today. I had a complete uninterrupted night sleep. I changed one of my meds from morning to night and did not drink anything one hour prior to going to bed. And to tell the truth I also used some drugs to calm me down.

Recently I was all involved in thoughts about my past. Things I had done wrong, the wrong doing of others towards me, the opportunities I lost and those I took on, the people I once knew and the hard times I had been through and the good times. My life has been full of ups and downs. I am 44 but I feel I have lived the life of an eighty years old man. I hold the key to my future in my hand, my present action. I have to make use of my present time to the outmost.

5 Comments:

Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I agree that there is a closeness unlike no other in the blogworld. You invite yourself in on a person's world, read, make a comment or leave without notice.

I believe that sensitive people live life more deeply. Deeply in good ways, and deeply at times in bad ways...becasue we feel and experience so much. I can see how you feel older than you are at times. I feel this way too.

~Deb

October 10, 2005 5:08 PM  
Blogger jane said...

The internet has both pros and cons, obviously. I enjoy blogging though because you can select who you visit & avoid those who ruffle your feathers. I enjoy visiting your blog, Radin.
I'd be lying if I said the thought of immigrating to another country hasn't crossed my mind the last few years, but for different reasons than what you mentioned.
No matter where you go, you can take your blog with you. Which means, you can take us with you too. :)

October 10, 2005 11:43 PM  
Blogger elvira black said...

I love blogging for many reasons, but one of them is being able to connect with super-literate, thoughtful people (like you).

I won't say the cliched crap about don't dwell on the past, because sometimes even negative reflections can be a great learning process. Very curious about what country you hail from, since you don't mention it in your profile.

October 15, 2005 3:40 AM  
Blogger dan said...

For me, finding the community of bloggers having the same problems and struggles as me has been an immense help. The kindness of strangers over some of the people you interact with directly has surprised me time and again.

My therapist always tells me that reaching out to others is part of the key to healing. And here we all are, reaching out.

October 17, 2005 7:22 AM  
Blogger Diana Crabtree said...

It's funny that you say you want to move to another country, so you have a good base for raising your child. I feel that way alot (I live in the US) I feel like here everything is about profits and that more and more is going to be taken away from the middle class until the middle class doesn't exist anymore.

I want to live in a country that values community, and I feel like that happens less and less every day here.

I wonder if there is a country where people dont feel that way (Sweden?)

October 17, 2005 11:36 AM  

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