Vicissitude: Bipolar Disorder and its ups and downs

This is a diary of present and the past by a man who being Bipolar is just part of his life Each post is in two parts first is everyday diary and second is a kind of continuous diary of my past


Being Bipolar is just part of my life.

Sunday, December 05, 2010


Long time no post!

Now I am back. Will discuss what has been going on later. But in short, two times hospitalizations, regular medications and lots of family complications. What else do I want? That’s what you may call an all sorts life with a lot of …ations. I keep kicking at it.

Monday, April 09, 2007

The Outline

In case of medical emergencies, say after an accident or a stroke, the goal is to keep the person alive. They make sure the vital organs for survival are functioning at least to their minimum standards. When you are dealing with such emergencies you are aware that the most important thing is to keep the person alive so you may even use strong drugs or shocks of all sorts. At that particular moment you can not and must not be worried that piercing his throat to help him breathe may cause him pain or that it may bleed. Or what a shock on high charge may do to his other organs. I won’t go into other steps of treatment before the person is back to everyday life. When back home he may be given a much weaker drug but he is certainly not given the same treatment as he received in the emergency room. “Hey buddy let me give you a shot of Adrenaline and a few shocks just incase.”
Regular exercises (or physiotherapy) while watching what you eat or drink helps you back on a steady healthy life. Help your body to help itself in order to stand on its own feet.
Bipolar engages the brain both chemically and psychologically. In a Bipolar emergency case, demonstrated by over loaded full alertness or crippling deep depression, we are given strong drugs to put things right at least to their minimum functional standards so that for example we can at least communicate a little. So far so good!
How about after we are let go back to our everyday life? Should we use the same drugs for the rest of our life?
What should we do to the added psychological dilemmas caused by social stigmas?, which are not in themselves part of Bipolar but they are just uninvited guests.
Should we continue the drugs to the end of our lives? Should we visit a psychologist regularly to help us cope?
I once heard someone say “I am a bipolar. To relief the pain I choose to take strong meds that can numb my brain cells. I choose a confined way of life with as little social contacts as possible. And when things are too unbearable I close myself up and shout my brain out.”
That is the worst choice. And its only positive side is that it is so easy to achieve.

Couldn’t we use some sort of mind exercise or physiotherapy. Couldn’t we watch what comes in and goes out of our brain? Couldn’t we train ourselves so as to help our mind stand on its own feet in a world of socialization necessity? I think we can. And I think we can even become an athlete using the powers generated by Bipolar. Powers, many do not have and they only see it in outstanding personalities. Powers people wish or try to possess.
What makes individuals to be different in social life is their personality. And so that is the area we have to work on.
We start our project by understanding the ground (our self) as it is now. Then we outline the final structure (the goal), to be built on this ground. We choose the materials and appropriate tools to do the job. Some we have and some we have to obtain.
Let’s briefly look at some tools and materials.

- Psycho analyses: it is actually used by psychologists as an outside professional observer to draw a map of the maze like structure of the mind. It is not a D.I.Y. kit! And it is not a treatment. But it can be used in very limited cases WITH THE HELP OF A PROFESSIONAL.
- Meds: are useful in emergencies and at times when nothing else can work as a relief.
- Self confidence, self dignity, self esteem, pride and etc.: they should be real with concrete foundations (our abilities and our personality). A mocked disposable version can not do the job.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

My experiences

Well I have started an issue and just can’t leave it at that. But please remember these are my own experience and the ways and techniques used are adopted from many different sources to help me build things up. So it is just to show the direction and the means remain with individuals. The result is what I am now. Med free (almost! I use meds in times of need and emergencies like other people using pain killers when needed) bipolar living amongst the same people I used to and being more mindfully settled than many of them.
First. I realized that what I do, how I do it and the reactions I have towards everyday stimulus is part of the way my outside personality is shaped. I got that idea out of this question that I asked myself. “what is the difference between me and ….. .?” that person is living in the same place or town as I do. And under the same pressures. And I do not believe the universe is treating us differently. So, the difference must come from within.
So I have to rebuilt my outside personality. And stop saying to myself, “I am this and that because my mother, father or my family conditioned me this way. Suppose that is all right, what now? Now I am old enough to be my own parents and bring myself up. And instead of considering my parents my enemy I even thank them for helping me grow up in the best way they were able to do.
Building personality does not start by demolishing what you are. It is done step by step replacing things that are working against us. Bearing in mind all the principal elements which are bad are actually deformed positive elements. For example selfishness, it is the deformed positive element of Pride. Fear, awareness. And so on.
So just fighting them or taking them out by the root will do more damage than it would do good.
I started by FEAR. The cancerous shape of awareness (which can protect us). Fear: The enemy that we obey because of itself in the first place.
Fear of being a bipolar. Fear of ….. .
In doing so I needed a firm stand. Something I can depend on all the time. So I chose God. You can use your own stand. It is not what the ideology is. Some use Zen, Meditations and etc. Some other things. But not cults. It should be something firm. Something that has proved to be working for others. Something with a history behind it. Even universal energy. You name it.
That is it for now. I will continue depending on feedbacks.

Monday, March 05, 2007

The potential powers within

If you just think about it you realize many potential individual abilities within. Bipolars feel that more than others. That can be in the fields of Art, Politics, Sports, Business or power of communicating with others and so on. It is vital for Bipolars to bring to surface what abilities they feel they have. Well it can not be achieved overnight or just by using suggestive techniques. They are short-lived. And we can’t go around dreaming about it or imagine we have them. They are potential but not trained or active.
The depression and mania are on either side of a balance.

Fighting depression with meds much stronger than the depression leaves us with an extra high feeling that will make the mania go higher in the cycle. So depression meds should be carefully selected and the dosage just right with the help of your doctor. The little extra depression we have to live through and as I did just ignore it.
How? I made some codes to follow when under depression. Codes I made when active and functional. And told myself: “I must not forget to follow them because they are good for me and that the decision has been made when I was functioning and so can not be wrong.” These are some of the codes.
“I go to work no matter what the feelings are”
“I pretend I am OK and talk to people even if not interested”
“The people do not understand my situation and if they did they just feel sorry and that won’t help me a bit”
“I follow some other people’s action and reactions although it may seem strange to me at the time.”

And the mania if higher than controllable. Moderate medication with your doctor help.
“I control myself going through long explanations on the current subjects.”
“I preserve my energy on more creative personal activities than just waist it to prove I am on top.”

And all the time thinking about positive sides to my being high and use that energy in the right way.

I do not become so conscious about my ups and downs and do not relate all of them to my being Bipolar. Other people feel the same during a normal day.
You sometimes come across people who are active and full of energy all the time and look alert but, others just take that as it is and are convinced that they are just that way.

It takes time and effort but it is worth it. If you think you can write, paint, do sports or what ever just start. You will be guided by your inner aspirations to do so like, any creative artist or businessman or …. Your brain works much faster than others and moves back and forth from what you have in store and the outside world but, you have to be careful not to be mislead by the reality mirror (illusions) because then you just move back and forth between your illusionistic reality mirror and loose contact with the actual world.
In that case the brain is playing games within itself and the result is irrelevant.

The medication must not kill the feelings but just control them a little and the rest is our job.

Monday, February 26, 2007


For some people who are bipolar (like myself three years back) taking meds is in their view 1- admitting to others that they are (as people think) mentally ill and have to live with it through their entire life. 2- Have to accept all the side effects meds have especially in high dosage. 2- are treated by others differently and pitied especially by close relatives. And those are very heavy on their shoulders, believe me.
I do myself take meds but small dosage and in limited period and with the help of my doctor and when it is needed to help me overcome uncontrollable situations.
Stopping the meds is not a good thing at the initial stages and I do not recommend that at all. And one has to learn how to recognize critical situations with the help of a doctor before limiting them.
There are positive sides to being a bipolar and I know THERE ARE. It is not only a subject of giving false hopes.There are many aspects and factors which have to be put forward but I talk about them depending the feedbacks by the readers

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I am back

I thought people have ceased viewing my blog and did not feel the need to enter new posts. And my old motive of sharing and soaking help had changed. But now I feel I have to continue. Because people do view my blog even though they do not leave any comments and, I have a new motive to share what I have been through and where I am now.

If you go through my posts you will see the changes I had experienced. I did continue that and now I do not think but I am sure that this had been true and it actually works.
I may not be a doctor but in this field I have gathered many information from different point of views and like a consumer of art works I have myself been (and am) a bipolar.
This is an introduction and I am not going into all details. But tell you this much that being a bipolar for me is not what the world had made me think it was. I take no medication regularly (only occasionally and when I find it necessary depending on my condition and in small and dosage and limited duration, sometimes only one or two nights). I function in my social environments (family, work, society and etc). and much more. I have helped growing my potential abilities.

In my next posts I will talk more.
Good luck to all.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Equal and opposite

Long time no posts, I know. Last week for two days I experienced deep depletion. As you know I am drug free under my doctor supervision. Second day was hell but with the help of guide lights I went through and life proceeded as normal. And next few days, yes mania. First night I was bombarded with running thoughts of all kinds but still bore in mind that I should get hold of them and channeled them towards more practical and realistic creations. The energy is inside and being used to my advantage. Outside I show this with care. People don’t understand this sudden shift of spirit. And what they see as my mood is a normal rise and fall. I am using this situation to go ahead with plans I had before. And I am studying an art in evening classes. I am now louder and more convincing regarding my business. And I don’t intend to restrain and put in chain this God given gift. But only controlling it to match everyday life and the people around me. Now I notice it is not only the mood that changes, but also the personality. And I think, and hope that this is real me. It appears that our real creative and free personality stops functioning properly under the pressure of many fears and restrictions built up during our life. I don’t want to go into details here but outline the matter for those who follow.
What we experience as Bipolar Disorder is actually something that has always existed not only in us but also in others. It is just gone out of control and in some cases I believe is the result of many years being under pressure of unwanted limitations imposed on our natural selves.
Now I know many normal persons who have always been in high mood. Like what we experience when in mania. They are known for such personality. They are loud, direct and active. But what looks abnormal about us is that we are known as completely different person prior to the new situation. And on the other hand we can not handle the sudden change ourselves. Or in other words we are feeling great but are not ready to deal with this new personality. What follows is our reaction to this new situation, at least most of it. I am not against medication when it is seen necessary by a doctor but if there is medication it should be lighter than what many doctors prescribe.
There is a saying "what goes up comes down". It is true. It is actually a very simple truth.
A drug addict (I have experienced it myself) for example. Derives what we simply call here positive energy from within him with the use of an outside stimulus. What goes up must come down. Equal and opposite feeling is followed and he has to compensate for over use of his energies. He is now hungry but because he has over enjoyed eating pleasure his hunger is much stronger that a normal person. And this time he has to eat more. He is now one step higher in use of the outside stimulus. And the equal opposite is now stronger. That is what happens with high dose of medication.
There are natural and lighter outside stimulus that are used all the time. Art is one. Music for example.
So far I haven’t been able to maintain a perfect monotonous mood all the time but who ever has?? But I am able to control and use the energy I feel during my mania. I have installed a valve. And for the depression. I believe we have to go through it as much and as far as it does not endanger our lives or relationships. Medication helps but in controlled and rational doses.
When someone loses a family member or a close friend. One is in deep grievance. It is recommended not to put the person under strong medication and that the person must live through it otherwise the oppressed feelings will in future damage everything. YOU HAVE TO FACE IT. They say.
Here also I say I have to face it and go through it so that the energy release is slowed down rather that oppressed causing future sudden releases.