Equal and opposite

Long time no posts, I know. Last week for two days I experienced deep depletion. As you know I am drug free under my doctor supervision. Second day was hell but with the help of guide lights I went through and life proceeded as normal. And next few days, yes mania. First night I was bombarded with running thoughts of all kinds but still bore in mind that I should get hold of them and channeled them towards more practical and realistic creations. The energy is inside and being used to my advantage. Outside I show this with care. People don’t understand this sudden shift of spirit. And what they see as my mood is a normal rise and fall. I am using this situation to go ahead with plans I had before. And I am studying an art in evening classes. I am now louder and more convincing regarding my business. And I don’t intend to restrain and put in chain this God given gift. But only controlling it to match everyday life and the people around me. Now I notice it is not only the mood that changes, but also the personality. And I think, and hope that this is real me. It appears that our real creative and free personality stops functioning properly under the pressure of many fears and restrictions built up during our life. I don’t want to go into details here but outline the matter for those who follow.
What we experience as Bipolar Disorder is actually something that has always existed not only in us but also in others. It is just gone out of control and in some cases I believe is the result of many years being under pressure of unwanted limitations imposed on our natural selves.
Now I know many normal persons who have always been in high mood. Like what we experience when in mania. They are known for such personality. They are loud, direct and active. But what looks abnormal about us is that we are known as completely different person prior to the new situation. And on the other hand we can not handle the sudden change ourselves. Or in other words we are feeling great but are not ready to deal with this new personality. What follows is our reaction to this new situation, at least most of it. I am not against medication when it is seen necessary by a doctor but if there is medication it should be lighter than what many doctors prescribe.
There is a saying "what goes up comes down". It is true. It is actually a very simple truth.
A drug addict (I have experienced it myself) for example. Derives what we simply call here positive energy from within him with the use of an outside stimulus. What goes up must come down. Equal and opposite feeling is followed and he has to compensate for over use of his energies. He is now hungry but because he has over enjoyed eating pleasure his hunger is much stronger that a normal person. And this time he has to eat more. He is now one step higher in use of the outside stimulus. And the equal opposite is now stronger. That is what happens with high dose of medication.
There are natural and lighter outside stimulus that are used all the time. Art is one. Music for example.
So far I haven’t been able to maintain a perfect monotonous mood all the time but who ever has?? But I am able to control and use the energy I feel during my mania. I have installed a valve. And for the depression. I believe we have to go through it as much and as far as it does not endanger our lives or relationships. Medication helps but in controlled and rational doses.
When someone loses a family member or a close friend. One is in deep grievance. It is recommended not to put the person under strong medication and that the person must live through it otherwise the oppressed feelings will in future damage everything. YOU HAVE TO FACE IT. They say.
Here also I say I have to face it and go through it so that the energy release is slowed down rather that oppressed causing future sudden releases.

Nothing

There are so many beliefs and ideas about death. My attitude changes all the time. Sometimes I believe there is something beyond and there are experiences after death and sometimes I just arrive at that there is pure nothingness. A switch turns off and…. Nothing. Last night I went to a funeral. My old friend's brother. A fit, non smoker, mentally sound positive man of fifty. With a perfect family life.
I remember when I was nine, once I thought about death and my own death. I cried for myself that day. It does sound funny. Last night I thought about it again. What concerned me was people reactions. Then what matters when I am not there.
People attending the funeral start by showing their sorrow and then when they are settled they start talking about their everyday life. And they are happy to see old friends and family members.
Amongst the people I met where those I had met years before. The children where now young and others had grown old. Knowing their family backgrounds and from what I gathered I thought how family life can shape our future. How we are brought up is so important. I had lost so many valuable years of my life going round a circle only because of my past. But in every one of us there is the intellectual me who knows what is right and what is right. Instead of losing time I'd better start bringing myself up one more time and be my own parent. Or perhaps the best thing is just to float and just live.

Big colorful Balloons

I have got a lot to say. So many subjects that I will gradually enter here. That is the reason it took me long before the new post. I had no idea where to start.
Today I talk about positive thinking, positive approach and positive everything and positive fake smile we are encouraged to wear while we feel everything is against us. these positives are what I call big colorful balloons which go BOOM when under pressure. They follow the same formula based on the power of illusion. They are good for a short period and in case of temporary goals like a job interview. Here is a definition.
1.
a. An erroneous perception of reality.
b. An erroneous concept or belief.
2. The condition of being deceived by a false perception or belief.
3. Something, such as a fantastic plan or desire, that causes an erroneous belief or perception.

And we even hear it from experts and doctors.
Take for example self confidence. Can it be created out of thin air and based on nothing but positive thinking?

There need to be a foundation no matter how weak. We should build our self confidence upon what we already have. And we need to work hard in order to improve these foundations.
Positive or negative thinking comes from deep within and goes back to where our personality was shaped.
The very complex structure of our personality follows simple rules but it multiples by many junctions on the way resulting in an interwoven web. It starts so simple in early years. Action – reaction and the feelings involved. And these are the welding points at junctions. We keep engraved reactions through life. To change our approach we need to change these welding points. For that we need safe tools.

As Bipolars we need to gather information and strengthen our knowledge. Put to use our experiences and implant changes.