Vicissitude: Bipolar Disorder and its ups and downs

Back

2010-12-05T05:10:00.000-08:00

Long time no post!

Now I am back. Will discuss what has been going on later. But in short, two times hospitalizations, regular medications and lots of family complications. What else do I want? That’s what you may call an all sorts life with a lot of …ations. I keep kicking at it.

The Outline

2007-04-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

In case of medical emergencies, say after an accident or a stroke, the goal is to keep the person alive. They make sure the vital organs for survival are functioning at least to their minimum standards. When you are dealing with such emergencies you are aware that the most important thing is to keep the person alive so you may even use strong drugs or shocks of all sorts. At that particular moment you can not and must not be worried that piercing his throat to help him breathe may cause him pain or that it may bleed. Or what a shock on high charge may do to his other organs. I won’t go into other steps of treatment before the person is back to everyday life. When back home he may be given a much weaker drug but he is certainly not given the same treatment as he received in the emergency room. “Hey buddy let me give you a shot of Adrenaline and a few shocks just incase.”
Regular exercises (or physiotherapy) while watching what you eat or drink helps you back on a steady healthy life. Help your body to help itself in order to stand on its own feet.
Bipolar engages the brain both chemically and psychologically. In a Bipolar emergency case, demonstrated by over loaded full alertness or crippling deep depression, we are given strong drugs to put things right at least to their minimum functional standards so that for example we can at least communicate a little. So far so good!
How about after we are let go back to our everyday life? Should we use the same drugs for the rest of our life?
What should we do to the added psychological dilemmas caused by social stigmas?, which are not in themselves part of Bipolar but they are just uninvited guests.
Should we continue the drugs to the end of our lives? Should we visit a psychologist regularly to help us cope?
I once heard someone say “I am a bipolar. To relief the pain I choose to take strong meds that can numb my brain cells. I choose a confined way of life with as little social contacts as possible. And when things are too unbearable I close myself up and shout my brain out.”
That is the worst choice. And its only positive side is that it is so easy to achieve.

Couldn’t we use some sort of mind exercise or physiotherapy. Couldn’t we watch what comes in and goes out of our brain? Couldn’t we train ourselves so as to help our mind stand on its own feet in a world of socialization necessity? I think we can. And I think we can even become an athlete using the powers generated by Bipolar. Powers, many do not have and they only see it in outstanding personalities. Powers people wish or try to possess.
What makes individuals to be different in social life is their personality. And so that is the area we have to work on.
We start our project by understanding the ground (our self) as it is now. Then we outline the final structure (the goal), to be built on this ground. We choose the materials and appropriate tools to do the job. Some we have and some we have to obtain.
Let’s briefly look at some tools and materials.

- Psycho analyses: it is actually used by psychologists as an outside professional observer to draw a map of the maze like structure of the mind. It is not a D.I.Y. kit! And it is not a treatment. But it can be used in very limited cases WITH THE HELP OF A PROFESSIONAL.
- Meds: are useful in emergencies and at times when nothing else can work as a relief.
- Self confidence, self dignity, self esteem, pride and etc.: they should be real with concrete foundations (our abilities and our personality). A mocked disposable version can not do the job.

My experiences

2007-03-08T02:39:00.000-08:00

Well I have started an issue and just can’t leave it at that. But please remember these are my own experience and the ways and techniques used are adopted from many different sources to help me build things up. So it is just to show the direction and the means remain with individuals. The result is what I am now. Med free (almost! I use meds in times of need and emergencies like other people using pain killers when needed) bipolar living amongst the same people I used to and being more mindfully settled than many of them.
First. I realized that what I do, how I do it and the reactions I have towards everyday stimulus is part of the way my outside personality is shaped. I got that idea out of this question that I asked myself. “what is the difference between me and ….. .?” that person is living in the same place or town as I do. And under the same pressures. And I do not believe the universe is treating us differently. So, the difference must come from within.
So I have to rebuilt my outside personality. And stop saying to myself, “I am this and that because my mother, father or my family conditioned me this way. Suppose that is all right, what now? Now I am old enough to be my own parents and bring myself up. And instead of considering my parents my enemy I even thank them for helping me grow up in the best way they were able to do.
Building personality does not start by demolishing what you are. It is done step by step replacing things that are working against us. Bearing in mind all the principal elements which are bad are actually deformed positive elements. For example selfishness, it is the deformed positive element of Pride. Fear, awareness. And so on.
So just fighting them or taking them out by the root will do more damage than it would do good.
I started by FEAR. The cancerous shape of awareness (which can protect us). Fear: The enemy that we obey because of itself in the first place.
Fear of being a bipolar. Fear of ….. .
In doing so I needed a firm stand. Something I can depend on all the time. So I chose God. You can use your own stand. It is not what the ideology is. Some use Zen, Meditations and etc. Some other things. But not cults. It should be something firm. Something that has proved to be working for others. Something with a history behind it. Even universal energy. You name it.
That is it for now. I will continue depending on feedbacks.

The potential powers within

2007-03-05T03:03:00.000-08:00

If you just think about it you realize many potential individual abilities within. Bipolars feel that more than others. That can be in the fields of Art, Politics, Sports, Business or power of communicating with others and so on. It is vital for Bipolars to bring to surface what abilities they feel they have. Well it can not be achieved overnight or just by using suggestive techniques. They are short-lived. And we can’t go around dreaming about it or imagine we have them. They are potential but not trained or active.
The depression and mania are on either side of a balance.

Fighting depression with meds much stronger than the depression leaves us with an extra high feeling that will make the mania go higher in the cycle. So depression meds should be carefully selected and the dosage just right with the help of your doctor. The little extra depression we have to live through and as I did just ignore it.
How? I made some codes to follow when under depression. Codes I made when active and functional. And told myself: “I must not forget to follow them because they are good for me and that the decision has been made when I was functioning and so can not be wrong.” These are some of the codes.
“I go to work no matter what the feelings are”
“I pretend I am OK and talk to people even if not interested”
“The people do not understand my situation and if they did they just feel sorry and that won’t help me a bit”
“I follow some other people’s action and reactions although it may seem strange to me at the time.”

And the mania if higher than controllable. Moderate medication with your doctor help.
“I control myself going through long explanations on the current subjects.”
“I preserve my energy on more creative personal activities than just waist it to prove I am on top.”

And all the time thinking about positive sides to my being high and use that energy in the right way.

I do not become so conscious about my ups and downs and do not relate all of them to my being Bipolar. Other people feel the same during a normal day.
You sometimes come across people who are active and full of energy all the time and look alert but, others just take that as it is and are convinced that they are just that way.

It takes time and effort but it is worth it. If you think you can write, paint, do sports or what ever just start. You will be guided by your inner aspirations to do so like, any creative artist or businessman or …. Your brain works much faster than others and moves back and forth from what you have in store and the outside world but, you have to be careful not to be mislead by the reality mirror (illusions) because then you just move back and forth between your illusionistic reality mirror and loose contact with the actual world.
In that case the brain is playing games within itself and the result is irrelevant.

The medication must not kill the feelings but just control them a little and the rest is our job.

Medication

2007-02-26T02:58:00.000-08:00

For some people who are bipolar (like myself three years back) taking meds is in their view 1- admitting to others that they are (as people think) mentally ill and have to live with it through their entire life. 2- Have to accept all the side effects meds have especially in high dosage. 2- are treated by others differently and pitied especially by close relatives. And those are very heavy on their shoulders, believe me.
I do myself take meds but small dosage and in limited period and with the help of my doctor and when it is needed to help me overcome uncontrollable situations.
Stopping the meds is not a good thing at the initial stages and I do not recommend that at all. And one has to learn how to recognize critical situations with the help of a doctor before limiting them.
There are positive sides to being a bipolar and I know THERE ARE. It is not only a subject of giving false hopes.There are many aspects and factors which have to be put forward but I talk about them depending the feedbacks by the readers

I am back

2007-02-25T23:47:00.000-08:00

I thought people have ceased viewing my blog and did not feel the need to enter new posts. And my old motive of sharing and soaking help had changed. But now I feel I have to continue. Because people do view my blog even though they do not leave any comments and, I have a new motive to share what I have been through and where I am now.

If you go through my posts you will see the changes I had experienced. I did continue that and now I do not think but I am sure that this had been true and it actually works.
I may not be a doctor but in this field I have gathered many information from different point of views and like a consumer of art works I have myself been (and am) a bipolar.
This is an introduction and I am not going into all details. But tell you this much that being a bipolar for me is not what the world had made me think it was. I take no medication regularly (only occasionally and when I find it necessary depending on my condition and in small and dosage and limited duration, sometimes only one or two nights). I function in my social environments (family, work, society and etc). and much more. I have helped growing my potential abilities.

In my next posts I will talk more.
Good luck to all.

Equal and opposite

2006-05-31T01:21:00.000-07:00

Long time no posts, I know. Last week for two days I experienced deep depletion. As you know I am drug free under my doctor supervision. Second day was hell but with the help of guide lights I went through and life proceeded as normal. And next few days, yes mania. First night I was bombarded with running thoughts of all kinds but still bore in mind that I should get hold of them and channeled them towards more practical and realistic creations. The energy is inside and being used to my advantage. Outside I show this with care. People don’t understand this sudden shift of spirit. And what they see as my mood is a normal rise and fall. I am using this situation to go ahead with plans I had before. And I am studying an art in evening classes. I am now louder and more convincing regarding my business. And I don’t intend to restrain and put in chain this God given gift. But only controlling it to match everyday life and the people around me. Now I notice it is not only the mood that changes, but also the personality. And I think, and hope that this is real me. It appears that our real creative and free personality stops functioning properly under the pressure of many fears and restrictions built up during our life. I don’t want to go into details here but outline the matter for those who follow.
What we experience as Bipolar Disorder is actually something that has always existed not only in us but also in others. It is just gone out of control and in some cases I believe is the result of many years being under pressure of unwanted limitations imposed on our natural selves.
Now I know many normal persons who have always been in high mood. Like what we experience when in mania. They are known for such personality. They are loud, direct and active. But what looks abnormal about us is that we are known as completely different person prior to the new situation. And on the other hand we can not handle the sudden change ourselves. Or in other words we are feeling great but are not ready to deal with this new personality. What follows is our reaction to this new situation, at least most of it. I am not against medication when it is seen necessary by a doctor but if there is medication it should be lighter than what many doctors prescribe.
There is a saying "what goes up comes down". It is true. It is actually a very simple truth.
A drug addict (I have experienced it myself) for example. Derives what we simply call here positive energy from within him with the use of an outside stimulus. What goes up must come down. Equal and opposite feeling is followed and he has to compensate for over use of his energies. He is now hungry but because he has over enjoyed eating pleasure his hunger is much stronger that a normal person. And this time he has to eat more. He is now one step higher in use of the outside stimulus. And the equal opposite is now stronger. That is what happens with high dose of medication.
There are natural and lighter outside stimulus that are used all the time. Art is one. Music for example.
So far I haven’t been able to maintain a perfect monotonous mood all the time but who ever has?? But I am able to control and use the energy I feel during my mania. I have installed a valve. And for the depression. I believe we have to go through it as much and as far as it does not endanger our lives or relationships. Medication helps but in controlled and rational doses.
When someone loses a family member or a close friend. One is in deep grievance. It is recommended not to put the person under strong medication and that the person must live through it otherwise the oppressed feelings will in future damage everything. YOU HAVE TO FACE IT. They say.
Here also I say I have to face it and go through it so that the energy release is slowed down rather that oppressed causing future sudden releases.

Nothing

2006-05-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

There are so many beliefs and ideas about death. My attitude changes all the time. Sometimes I believe there is something beyond and there are experiences after death and sometimes I just arrive at that there is pure nothingness. A switch turns off and…. Nothing. Last night I went to a funeral. My old friend's brother. A fit, non smoker, mentally sound positive man of fifty. With a perfect family life.
I remember when I was nine, once I thought about death and my own death. I cried for myself that day. It does sound funny. Last night I thought about it again. What concerned me was people reactions. Then what matters when I am not there.
People attending the funeral start by showing their sorrow and then when they are settled they start talking about their everyday life. And they are happy to see old friends and family members.
Amongst the people I met where those I had met years before. The children where now young and others had grown old. Knowing their family backgrounds and from what I gathered I thought how family life can shape our future. How we are brought up is so important. I had lost so many valuable years of my life going round a circle only because of my past. But in every one of us there is the intellectual me who knows what is right and what is right. Instead of losing time I'd better start bringing myself up one more time and be my own parent. Or perhaps the best thing is just to float and just live.

Big colorful Balloons

2006-05-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

I have got a lot to say. So many subjects that I will gradually enter here. That is the reason it took me long before the new post. I had no idea where to start.
Today I talk about positive thinking, positive approach and positive everything and positive fake smile we are encouraged to wear while we feel everything is against us. these positives are what I call big colorful balloons which go BOOM when under pressure. They follow the same formula based on the power of illusion. They are good for a short period and in case of temporary goals like a job interview. Here is a definition.
1.
a. An erroneous perception of reality.
b. An erroneous concept or belief.
2. The condition of being deceived by a false perception or belief.
3. Something, such as a fantastic plan or desire, that causes an erroneous belief or perception.

And we even hear it from experts and doctors.
Take for example self confidence. Can it be created out of thin air and based on nothing but positive thinking?

There need to be a foundation no matter how weak. We should build our self confidence upon what we already have. And we need to work hard in order to improve these foundations.
Positive or negative thinking comes from deep within and goes back to where our personality was shaped.
The very complex structure of our personality follows simple rules but it multiples by many junctions on the way resulting in an interwoven web. It starts so simple in early years. Action – reaction and the feelings involved. And these are the welding points at junctions. We keep engraved reactions through life. To change our approach we need to change these welding points. For that we need safe tools.

As Bipolars we need to gather information and strengthen our knowledge. Put to use our experiences and implant changes.

More practical

2006-04-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Today I went to see an old friend. A very old friend actually. I knew him from my first year at the elementary school. Only for the first year. I searched his name in the net and found him. Thirty six years had passed and now we were meeting again. I had his address so I made a phone call and let him know I was coming. He runs a publishing firm and he owns a bookshop. I wondered whom I were going to meet. I had some ideas and some expectations and I was so happy at what I found. A very nice guy. Talkative, matured, and fun to be with.
We were a poor family but my father insisted on sending me to best private schools in the vicinity of our house. V.R. (my friend) had been brought up quite well and under good standards and he shows that too. His mother being a teacher had had great influence over his life. Well these are what I gathered from our short first meeting (about two hours). He looked ten years younger than me. I will talk about him more in the future. I hope he will be one of my regular friends whom I am going to see more often.
Now back to things about Bipolar disorder this blog is all about. I have a lot to say about it and would like to share my experiences with you. A long time has passed since my last post and a lot of things been going on.
For one thing Bipolar Disorder is just a name for a combination of similar disorders. In other fields of medicine they name an illness this and that and you have a medicine that relieves or cures it. But in this case it differs in individuals.
I have been diagnosed Bipolar now a few years but of course like many it goes back to when I was much younger. I have gone through many books, web pages of information and weblogs in search of better insight. Even history. And I understand we all have our own account of the thing.
I received many helping hands and now I would like to share my experiences. If you go through my posts you find that I have been through a lot. And I have adopted methods to deal with and control my moods and now I am living a life without meds. Of course I don’t recommend no meds scheme to anyone but step by step one can at least reduce to mere side help rather than doping deeply and be driven and powered by them. It is not that hard but it needs time effort and an understanding doctor. The chemical imbalance may still be with me but it does not control me and it doesn’t affect my everyday life. In approaching it this way I feel my personality has somehow changed. That is another story and I'll go into that in future posts.
Seeing others suffer not only of Bipolar but also other problems similar has always made me sad. Oh I have suffered from more serious ones when I was younger. And I gone through those difficult moments, too. Later I will go into more details for those interested.

Posting again

2006-04-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

I am back again. A few weeks after my previous post ,and with the help of my doc. I stopped my meds. Since then I managed without meds. The moods are under control and I realized that many feelings I had were the side effects of meds. I don’t recommend others to give us meds. This is my case. I am a little moody at times but who isn’t. I wasn’t able to make use of my mania as I intended but still it helps me to some extend. Rule one learn from the past but never question yourself. In any situation do as you feel right. If the result is not good then change your approach but never ask questions and don’t go over it again and again. The negative feeling of self interrogation makes you stock and repeat it again. I am a new person and others have to accept who I am. Perhaps I have always been this way but acted to please others. Now that I am what I really am I feel much better. Fear is our worst enemy. I still can't get over that but am working on it.
I miss my blogs friends and hope to keep in touch.

Life has to change

2005-10-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

I had lot on my mind but didn't have the right feeling to put it down. I felt kind of depressed last week. I say kind of because I can't put my finger on it. It wasn't like before. I knew I was in depression but life seemed to go on its own. I also went through the urge to sleep. I started to do some experiment on the mania side. Well I have all it takes. I am bipolar. I have had the experience and know all the ingredients it needs. I just try to trim it sort of so that the good feeling is felt without the extremes that are so noticeable and disturbing in social life. I haven't been that successful but I will continue and try to bring it about intentionally. The medication I continue and will have my sleep scheduled though. There are people who are mania all their life and they are alright and it is accepted as part of their personality. I think the problem with me is that I don't have the capacity to withstand it and make use of it. It gives me the shock to see myself so powerful and full of energy. The contrast it has to my normal self is shocking. My doctor thinks we bipolars have a gift and in stages of mania we experience things others don't dream of. When I first had it I was in a managerial job on a project and the effect it had on my work was incredible. I accomplished real hard objectives and was so influential. I managed so many people and few subcontractors. Once I experienced it I knew it is there somewhere within me. The power is there and I have to bring it about and use it. It is like nuclear power. It needs controlling or else it will blow up like a bomb. I don't care much about the consequences. I feel that is real me oppressed over the years. Oppressed by my fears and the conditions the environment has dictated to me. The power of influencing others is what I experienced. I felt like a child experiencing the here and now with the help of all the power I possessed in my senses. All the senses and not only the five known senses. It is like waking out of a dream to a bright day. Bright sunlight. We have to oppress it with medication because others who have known us for quite sometimes feel we are weird. And it frightens us, too. I am going to live only once and I don't want to grow old and think I have done nothing about it. After all I have nothing to lose. I know I can be a powerful person through it. All I have to do is avoid a few exaggerated feelings of having irrational powers beyond my limits. I have to keep within the real world.

Materialization

2005-10-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

Right out of the blue came the offer. Talking about moving to another country in my last post and now they asked me to manage a company in Shanghai, China after I gave them my ideas of working on our own brand. I am doing some research into living there and the offer. I am considering it and have not reached any decisions. I have time to think since I will have to do the work all from the start. Establishing the company there, renting the office and recruiting. It is a project on its own. I have been to China on business trips but living there is something quite different. I know I can do the job well. I have to be away from my family for sometimes though. China has been through so many changes in recent years. You do not see all that unified clothing codes any more and the atmosphere of the red China. You still feel the contrast between the new and the old the poor and the rich. I wasn't there long enough to know how the people are but from what I gather they are nice and friendly. From the business point of view they are special. You have Taiwanese who have made big investments there and other foreign people. Doing business with them is hard. They have to monitored all the time and be watched over all through each transaction from the start to the end or else you end up with something quite different to what you had ordered in the first place.
I went through the blogs I usually visit and also saw some blogs randomly and came across so many interesting things. Life just pumps and beats all around and all the time.
I bought a couple of birds for my daughter on Friday. They are very nice and they are getting used to their new home. She has named them To To and Ti Ti.
It is getting colder and colder and I must do some shopping for winter to come.
Life is a wonderful and awful mixture of everything between nothing and nothing.
Well it just sort of came by itself. I guess I have to read it several times myself to see what this sentence was all about! time to go to bed.

Future, Past and Present

2005-10-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my Internet friends and blogs I visit. It is a strange feeling of closeness. It is not like other relations and connections I have ever had. I had this sort of feeling reading books from different writers from around the world but this is unique in its own right. I felt but could not imagine how close people were in this world. In their feelings and in their thoughts. Politicians make things appear so dole and dark but it is not so. They draw borders and make us feel so apart. In this respect they are all on one side.

I have a daughter of 8 with so many plans for her future. She is full of energy and potential. And my wife deserves more; I mean she has many things she wants to do. They are stuck. Because of the problems we face living here. These problems are so silly by nature and for others living in other parts of the world would seem weird and impossible to imagine. I am not idealistic and do not ask for much for them. Just the right base and environment for them to grow in. I am thinking about immigration into another country. Wish me luck and pray for me. I know the problems and difficulties involved but it is worth it. Bringing up a child here is getting more and more difficult not because of financial side but mostly cultural. I want her to become an independent and free lady.

The sleeping urge that has been bothering me for a few days was finally over today. I had a complete uninterrupted night sleep. I changed one of my meds from morning to night and did not drink anything one hour prior to going to bed. And to tell the truth I also used some drugs to calm me down.

Recently I was all involved in thoughts about my past. Things I had done wrong, the wrong doing of others towards me, the opportunities I lost and those I took on, the people I once knew and the hard times I had been through and the good times. My life has been full of ups and downs. I am 44 but I feel I have lived the life of an eighty years old man. I hold the key to my future in my hand, my present action. I have to make use of my present time to the outmost.

Bipolar and me

2005-09-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a hard task for me ignoring the moods and just going on with my life but it is paying off. In my previous posts I tried to ignore it even in my writing. Well this is to say that it has helped me and it might help you, too. The feelings come and go and I am getting used to them and am not so sensitive about them and take them as not being me which is true. I am not as sensitive as I used to be towards others as well. On the other hand I speak up my mind and do not care about the consequences and just practice on my relation with others. I still have my panic attacks and my good and bad days but they seam to affect my daily life much less. I not only accepted but also believe that Bipolar Disorder is a chemical problem in the brain and that is that. I have separated the normal feelings I have from those caused by my disorder. I mean if one day I feel down it doesn't necessarily mean it is to do with being BP.
Blogging has help a great deal and also going through other blogs, BP or otherwise.
I have also worked in making positive and permanent changes in me. Not by going into details of psychological explanations and theories or trying fast resulted methods of working inside my head, like positive thinking or things like that but, by taking action in real life, restoring my relationships which I think is important because it is part of the real everyday life. And by experimenting practical changes.
My view of life used to be a very hard one and I took everything so seriously. I know things in life are real serious but I have eased my views a bit.
Like my doctor said once. We look at the sky and say to ourselves, oh that is beautiful. But in reality it is not beautiful. It is so frightening. We are on a piece of rock in the middle of space and amongst so many galaxies. Going round the sun. so it is much better to just say what a beautiful sky rather than think, well what is it all about. I am not against deep thinking but not all the time and about everything around us. It has its place sometime and someplace in our lives. It is true about what goes on in our brains, especially if we suffer from something like BPD. Well we are BP and these are the results of what it does to us. But I have my life, my responsibilities and have to work and try to live a better life and improve and even have to involve in the competition of life and be part of the race. I have and understand my abilities and I know I can do better than some. But also I accept the limitations. I expect from myself things that are with accordance to what I really am and of course if needed I will try to add to my abilities.

Find the Mafia

2005-09-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I talked about a game we played and here I explain it.
Today started well. Taking a shower and shave. Have fast breakfast and meds. Got into car and took Sara to school and wife to work. Park the car and take the tube to work. A few minutes ago a panic attack started. I am trying to stay calm.
We have a problem at Sara's school. They had a very good teacher to begin with but she had to go to university and was substituted by another teacher who is very restricted.

Now the game we played during our holiday, "Find the mafia", you may already know it by another name. In any case I am going to explain it for those who are interested.
The ideal number of players is seven and the eighth person acts as the god.
God has seven cards, ace of spades, two black numbered cards and four red numbered cards from the pack. The numbers are not important. Only the color is important.
The god then gives each player a card. The players look at their cards and then the game starts. Ace of spade is the detective. Two black cards are the mafia members. And the red cards are the police.
The god calls to the players "It is night, everyone sleep" and the players close eyes.
The god: "Mafia open eyes" the two mafia open eyes.
The god: "Mafia close eyes"
The god: "Detective open eyes"
The god: "Detective close eyes"
The god: "It is morning, wake up"
Everyone opens eyes. Now they start talking. Each talk and give their reason what they think others are. And those who are accused of being mafia member can defend themselves. When all the talking is done. The god declares "Voting time".
Each person has only one vote to give. They have to vote who to kill as suspected mafia member. God calls each person name and others vote. Players keep their vote for the person they think is the mafia member. So one is killed by vote and leaves the game.
The god: "IT is night, everyone sleep". They close eyes.
The god: "Detective, open eyes". The detective open eyes and by pointing to one of the players asks god if that person is police or mafia and god by showing a red or black card tells him. Only one person.
The god: "Detective close eyes"
The god: "Mafia, open eyes". The mafia open eyes and together they decide who to kill and by pointing to that person show god which is killed.
The god: "Mafia, close eyes". "It is morning everyone wake up"
They open eyes and then god declares the one who was killed the night before. And he or she is out of the game. Those who are killed are not allowed to reveal what they were, mafia or police or the detective and have to keep silence to the end of the game.
The talking, arguing, accusing and defending starts. And vote is taken to kill one.
The game continues this way until either mafia or police wins. Through the game and at nights even if the detective has been killed god has to say the same words "detective open eyes" and "detective close eyes" and leave a short pause in between them.
The game is still exciting for those who are killed and just follow the game. Because they now know who the mafia members are and listening to the arguments is also fun. If the number of players is more then you may decide to add to the number of mafia members.
Well that is it. For those who did not know the game.

Summer holiday

2005-09-21T02:27:00.000-07:00

I was away a few days for my summer vacation. We traveled to the north sea. Next time I will send you pictures. My sister and her family. My brother and his family and us. We spent time by the sea on the sandy beach and went to the jungle where we had chicken barbecue for lunch. We had all these young people around us (my nephew and nieces) which made the atmosphere so pleasant. At nights we stayed up and played "find the mafia". It is an interesting game. I will explain it later if you are interested. It doesn't need much, just a few cards. After we came back I took my family to the mountain village where we have a small cottage for the rest of their holidays and drove back home myself. Last night I went back again to bring them home this morning. I am now at work and all I wana do is go home and SLEEP.
I am going to check on what I might have missed in blogs I frequently visit. By the way I have set up a blog for my daughter so that she can write her diary there. I help her with it. She keeps a diary and always writes down her experiences. In case you have children of same age they can visit her blog and perhaps become friends. The address is http://bluespaceship.blogspot.com . She loves it when she gets comments there.
Two weeks ago I went to my doctor together with my wife. No change in my meds and he believes I am doing fine. The moods do change now and again but I do not let them effect my life. I just ignore them and accept them to be part of my life. It is not easy but I have managed so far. Yesterday I realized that I was questioning the very reason of life but then got over it and said to myself to relax and not look for answers and go on with it. What is the use of going into the philosophy of life when I am not even well equipped with the necessary knowledge? Those who claim they have answers after so many years studying are not sure themselves.

"Follow me" said the wise man, then he walked behind.

I do not want to feel old but I sense I am being dragged into the strange dark cave of feeling old. I know that it is only a feeling. I don't mean that I do not accept getting old. It is a natural biological change. It is that I hate feeling I am nearing the end. Why should I feel that I don't know? I don't want to remind myself this. I just want to live life as it is and as long as it takes. I have lost much of my life energy along the way of my disease. I have to regain it somehow. Perhaps some physical exercises would help.
Until next time with some pictures of my vacation and other daily stuff bye.

Last week was my birthday

2005-09-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table.We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"She said, "Let's go to my apartment."After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back.""Ok." I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and colleagues, all singing "Happy birthday".And I just sat there...On the couch...Naked.(From Brother in law mk.2)

Let's Just Live

2005-09-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

There are numeral methods to control our moods and or cope with them. But I realized that I should choose amongst them the one that most suits me individually, check its success in the past and use it as best as I can. I mean it is better than jumping from one method to the other in hope of fast relief. Of course that doesn't mean not testing a few to see how they are. Ignoring the presence of the moods and keeping a routine has helped me greatly. As Dr. Debora Serani commented on my previous post some methods like I gave an example of should be " presented by an experienced therapist". So I am going to talk about it to my doctor to see if he knows about it and if he can practice it.
Doing things I like doing has helped me, too. One gets a feeling of self respect. I am going to do it more often even if it is not approved by others. Well it is natural they have not seen me think of myself so they are not used to it and it is normal. I am committed to find a good teacher for my painting classes to come. Art is very useful for BPs. I even might try photography. I do have previous experiences in that field. Poetry is also good but is not so much presentable as others since, the feeling of being heard by the art you do is also important. I mean you can not go around giving poems to others to read and say what they think but with photos and paintings it is done automatically.
Loving oneself doesn't mean being selfish. For love we go so far, to others but I think we should start at home of our own self. How can we expect love of others if we fail to love ourselves? We do not need to be perfect. We are just one of the millions with our positive and negative sides. Let's accept what we are and begin to appreciate it. Of course we should work to be better but that doesn't mean we forget all about living our lives. Being too sensitive is one of my weaknesses. I want to be accepted by almost everyone so I unintentionally try to be hundred persons in one to satisfy all different tastes. In result I can't decide which one is the real me. I should learn to stick to my own beliefs and present myself as I really am. And not worry about reactions I might provoke. For a person who has been so much flexible all his life, this is going to be a tough job. I think it is time to take a rest of my own continuous self changes according to the outside waves and stop. Accept what I am now. Appreciate what I have gained in life and respect what I find valuable. Mingle with the crowd and keep my head up. I may lose a few friends, find new ones, be criticized, be hated, be loved and all that comes. That is what millions are confronted with and are just living their lives. This way I will be amongst those I really like. I just live my life as it is and learn as I go along. I just see what happens. (more later …)

There are two sides to a disaster like the one at New Orleans, one is the immediate aides and relieves needed and the other is the reconstruction. The latter takes more time. So after the news die down eventually we should remember that the help should not stopped and forgotten. It takes more than a sudden rash of humanitarian feelings in a limited time.

A method to control depression

2005-09-02T23:52:00.001-07:00

I came across this article in my newsletters about health. I thought others might find it interesting. What do you think about it?

Article: A Powerful Method for Healing Depression - by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Kendra had been depressed on and off for the last three years before consulting with me. “I’ve tried various medications and they help somewhat, but I still feel depressed. I’ve tried psychotherapy and it also helps a little but not enough for me to feel happiness or peace inside. I hate feeling this way and I just don’t know what to do.”The first thing that I did with Kendra was to help her create a personal source of spiritual guidance. I asked her to make up a being who was very loving, wise and powerful - a man, woman or animal to whom she could turn to, in her imagination, for help and guidance. Kendra made up an older Indian medicine woman whom she called Elder One.Next I asked Kendra where in her body she felt the feeling of depression. “In my heart and stomach. My heart and stomach often feel so heavy and sad.” “Kendra, imagine that your feeling self, the part that is presently depressed, is a child within. How old is this child?” She told me she thought the child was around six. “Now, imagine that you are sitting in a beautiful place in nature with Elder One. Imagine that Elder One is surrounding you with love so that you feel safe. Now imagine that little six-year old depressed Kendra is also with you. Ask her how she feels about you as her inner parent, her inner mom and dad. Ask her how you are treating her that is causing her to feel depressed. Ask her out loud.”“Okay. Little Kendra, how you you feel about me as a parent? How am I treating you that is causing you to feel so depressed?”“Now go inside and imagine that you are little Kendra and that you are talking to you as the adult, the inner parent. What do you as little Kendra want to say to adult Kendra? How does adult Kendra treat you? What is adult Kendra doing that causes you to feel so bad?”Little Kendra: “I barely exist for you. You really don’t care about how I feel. You never stand up for me with other people. You decide on things without ever asking me how I feel about it - like having dinner with Kathy tonight. I don’t want to have dinner with Kathy. All she does is talk about herself and I just end up feeling drained. But you don’t care about how I feel. You don’t want to say no or tell Kathy the truth because she might feel hurt or angry, but what about me? You never speak up for me with Harold (her husband) either. I just feel like I don’t exist in this marriage, just like with Mom. You treat me just like Mom treated me - like what I want and feel doesn’t matter. Other people are always more important than me. Of course I’m depressed! How else would you expect me to feel?” Kendra started to cry at this point, and little Kendra continued. “I’m so mad at you! When are you going to care about me!”“So,” I said, “You are a caretaker with your husband and friends. You take care of them but neglect yourself. You allow them to control you without standing up for yourself. Can you see how this would lead to depression?”Kendra was quite stunned by this information. She had believed that her depression was caused by outside events rather than by how she was treating herself. She thought it was due to a chemical imbalance and to her husband’s controlling behavior. She may have indeed had a chemical imbalance that resulted from the stress of not taking care of herself, but the imbalance was likely the result rather than the cause of her stress and resulting depression. Her husband was indeed controlling but it was her response to him and others that was the cause of her depression, rather than her husband’s or friends’ behavior. Kendra began to see that until she had the courage to take loving care of herself, she would continue to be depressed. Through practice, she learned to open to Elder One for guidance about loving behavior toward herself. As she began to take loving action for herself - for her Inner Child - her depression gradually diminished until she was able to get off the medication. Now, when she feels the depression coming up, she knows that there is some way she is not taking care of herself. She speaks with little Kendra to find out what it is and with Elder One to discover the loving action. When she has the courage to take the loving action, her depression goes away. Kendra has learned a powerful, spiritually-based method for healing her depression.

Disaster

2005-09-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

The news about the disaster in New Orleans is coming in and makes me real sad. I wanted to express my concern and sympathy for those effected. I don't need to be an American to feel sad for my fellow humans. In situations like this one does not know what to say. Well I know that words are not enough so I will try to do something no matter how small.
At some point in my life I worked for the doctors without border. I have seen how people are affected by disasters. I have been to the refugee camps and seen families or shall I say what was remained of families living in tents. When you talked to them you just feel strange. Not long ago they had been living in the comfort of their own homes and now they have to live in tents and depend on organizational aides. And they are considered the lucky ones. Amongst them were pregnant women and small children. And I have seen how in extreme cold they were given emergency food packages to keep them alive. I pray and have my deepest respect for people who are dedicated to help and do reliefs work. There were reports of thefts of the aides intended for the refugees and I did not know what to make of it.
Those taking part in the lootings can't be called human beings.
My experiences in those years have always remained with me. On the other hand we learn how adoptive humans are and how strong they are. Our abilities are so enormous and in normal situations we only use small part of it.

The Ceasefire

2005-09-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

Things are getting better and better. Usually when things go so well I have a feeling of peace before storm. But I put aside that feeling now and just enjoy the changes. My doctor seams to be OK. And my wife has made an appointment to see him. It is good for her. I saw a program about how our brains work under pressure and competition. Very interesting. We learn things using our conscious part of brain and when we are expert we use our subconscious and does the work automatically. And under pressure however the brain goes back to use the conscious part and so making mistakes like a new learner. And thinking you will win helps you continue in difficult moments. And watching another program about physics and different theories and revolutions in this field, I learnt that we should not look for the ultimate truth or the one and only equation that can explain everything. The goal is to learn about the relationships between things and how they work. To make a long story short I take that I should just be what I am and at the same time try to see the world from different angles to learn more.
On Friday morning mountains and breakfast is on. We are going to make omelet and tea there on wood fire.
My daughter writes her diary and I asked her if she wanted a blog to post her diary there. She is only eight but she finds it satisfying writing her diary of good or even bad events. Last night she came home crying because of something and the first thing she asked for was her diary to write down the bad event that had made her cry. It is a good way to let it out and I am happy for this.
My goal is now to lead an ordinary life because I think to do some extraordinary thing you have to be ordinary first! It just came and I have to read it over and over myself to get the idea. I am not looking for ultimate answers to everything "life, universe and everything" like in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I would probably come up with a number.
Life seams good at this very moment and I try to enjoy it and do not care about future or the past. We are not here to solve everything and to solve part of it is just enough. I always thought things should be solved straight away and get best result but now I understand my limits and know things can wait. Most of our life is our everyday life and actually biggest part of it. I shouldn't forget about it and tangle myself too much on matters that can wait and are not so immediate. I am getting old I suppose.

Living my own life

2005-08-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

Friday early morning I went to near by mountains for a walk and had a big breakfast out. I was down by 8 am. And the night before that I went to cinema on my own. I intend to do that every month. I also want to start doing some painting beside writing poems. Schedules like that make me feel better. Perhaps I was born to be in the army because I love doing routine things at certain time. Of course not to make my life boring but just a bit of predictable list of things to do. I realize that I should look into things I like doing and have my own way of life. I have always been on the look out for what others think of me and missed leading a life of my own. Being worried what my family want of me and my friends and my boss. Well now I want to know what I want from me. I'd better follow my interests. I also need a few new friends in my life. It is hard to find in my age though but I'll give it a try. Today I am taking the car for repairs. Hope it doesn't cost much. It has been making noises on turns.
Don't care much about details of life these days I mean the past or future. It was my doctor advice not to go into details of psychological theories either but I just am so curious about these matters that I can't help it. I just live my life. That's the best I can do. And do not care about the moods. They come and go as they please.

The abundant positive energy around us

2005-08-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

Kindness I found we can buy real cheap. For example the ticket person at the Metro. She knows me by now and when I buy the ticket we exchange smiles and sometimes a how are you today. Or the newspaper man, we even exchange a few light jokes about everyday matters. These little relationships matter.
There is a kind of energy around us that we can use with the help of others and we can help them use it. That is why distance here is not important. Because this energy doesn't have to be transmitted, it is there everywhere around us. People just trigger it to be absorbed. That is why when you hear a nice comment and or good wish from so far away you feel good. I believe you can still get this energy even if you do not actually know about it. I mean if the person has good feelings towards you. Well I have maybe gone too far in this but at least it is what I would like to believe.

I am working on a theory (By a PHD) of psychological causation called "The Paradox of Pleasure and Relativity" and it really works for me. It is kind of contrary to all methods I have studied and it works on the basis of negative causation. In short, it says that our energy is limited and the feelings we get is the work of stimulus that make the potential energy ready to work. You enjoy food because you have gone through a negative feeling of hunger. Or you go to sauna and withstand the heat and actually making it difficult for yourself because you know you will have a pleasurable experience in the cold pool. This he says is also true with psychological issues. So I think mood changes in normal situations are happening to make a balance in a day or a week and the stimulus causing them come from outside. In an unnormal situation it comes from inside and lasts too long and is balanced within months. Well these I say not as facts but what I think is happening. A kind of personal opinion really.

I talked to one of my very old friends the other day. We really had a good time talking about good old days and had great laugh. Turning to old regular jokes. I like these regular jokes especially with people whom I have a kind of "Need No Talking Relation". We even joked about who will die first and what the other will do then. He has found one of our elementary school friend F.D. we are going to visit him soon. He is a factory owner now.

A few days back we had a kind of national celebration in which fathers are given presents. What I got was few full loads of washing machines and a full sink of washing up to do and not even a word of congratulates. I am going to thank my wife on that and tell her she shouldn't have gone into so much trouble for me! But really I have given up worrying about things like this.

Today I am going to meet my very old friend from my first year in elementary school, the one I found through the Internet. We were class mates for only one year but we were good buddies then.
I feel so lonely even though I have a family. But then what good is there when there is no real relationship there. It is not even a bad relationship. At least that way I was somehow involved in something but it is neutral. The real friends I have are those I got to know through bloging and here is the only place I can talk, sometimes to myself.
At work, I am involved in so many projects and am busy enough but not much satisfaction out of it. It only keeps me busy. I have the potential to work in more serious environments and I do have the potential. I used to manage a large department dealing with so many employees and numeral contractors. Like an army officer. I must look for a job with more responsibilities.
Have you ever got that feeling that there is something you need and want but you do not know what it is? I have that feeling. Sometimes I think I should bang my head against the wall and see what happens. It couldn't be the meds because I am on lowest dose ever. And only two. And they will be gradually cut to no meds by my doctor when he is back from hospital. He says we give patients meds for panic attacks so that they forget about it and when they do we cut the med. And it also goes for meds for depression.

I sleep well and have real deep dreams. I also use some illegal drugs sometimes which are not good because they are artificial stimulus and I will have to compensate for it by my energy reserves. That is why I do not do it regularly and go through the downs effects.
Good luck to you all and all the best. I love you all.

BP and Mayonnaise sauce

2005-08-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

Mayonnaise main ingredients are, 1- Olive (or fine cooking) Oil, 2- Raw eggs and of course some other additives. You blend them together at high speed in a blender and what you get is the sauce. Some may not like it but it goes well with salad and sandwiches and even sometimes when you feel like it you can have it on its own. Tastes good. Now imagine you were to have the ingredients one at the time, drinking cooking oil and then toss up few raw eggs, yuck. Yes that is it you got it. In a chemically balanced (hard to find these days) brain both are present but blended in a sauce. In BP though they are separated to what they were.
Conclusion: the depression and elevation exit in both chemically balanced and unbalanced brains. BPs only need to blend it again instead of having them separately with the help of the meds. Go to the nearest Fan Fair with your family and find the spiniest machine there. Going round and round in high speed will help them blend.
I tried this last week and am going to the Fair today with my daughter. When I got off the machine I was so imbalanced and walked zigzags but inside it was all blended. Doctors and researchers should look for drugs that can actually bond the chemicals responsible for depression and elevation.
Now the other thing is the title they have given to so many kinds of chemical imbalances. They call all of them Bipolar Disorder. But they can not come under one title. They are so different in people and treated with so many drugs. At least we can find a name for it that clearly explains what happens. If you have any suggestion please tell me. Some only experience depression and are yet called Bipolar. They know some drugs help in different cases with a little try and error to find the right ones but do not know how they help and why. So we have to either choose our own name for the disorder we have and call it that or find a single name that defines it all.
Some suggestions.
Chemical Imbalance Syndrome (CIS)
Mayonnaise Sauce Syndrome (MSS)
Blending Needed Disorder (BND)
Depression but no Mania but still Bipolar Disorder (DMBPD)
I can not diagnose exactly but it is B P Any Way (BPAW)
Also see my previous post for a diagram.

Today

2005-08-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

I am so busy at work. When there is the sleeping urge then I have to take a nap. I wish this sleeping urges came around at home but they go away as soon as it is time to go home and they ware off. The nap sometimes is so deep and in that short time I think I even see dreams. Sitting upright on my chair and going to sleep.
Last night my lungs stopped functioning and I couldn't have dinner. Today I smoked only four cigs that I really only puffed without actually smoking them. Life seams so boring. I NEEED a change. It is so boring sometimes that I even don't think about suicide!?
I could do with a bit of deep laugh. Those laughs which came and did not go away until it paralyzed us down to the ground. Like those which I remember we had at school. When I have such a laugh my muscles feel so relaxed and it is then that I realize how tense I really am. I hate statues of seriousness (some of them are around me) but I am turning into one myself. I used to see the funny side of almost everything. Perhaps I should change the way I see things a bit. Have a look at this.

"It is by Yvonne"
TV is on in the other room at work and others are watching football. "Pass the shit you f.ing so and so" They are calling. See you next time.
Feelings: Numbness, anger, bored. Sort of floating.
Depression: I don't know whether it is gone or still there.

The Hard Way Up

2005-08-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

I want to share the basis on which I balance. It comes from my own experiences and the books I have read. It is a simple fact but believing in it is hard. Imagine a lake full of water a lake with no input or out put the amount of water there is always the same. Now there are forces that help the water to go on higher ground and in the process it gains potential energy. Then the water is released and with the current the energy stored is used up. This is obtained by the fact that the water is always seeking to balance and settle were it came from. Let me explain. For every action that causes imbalance there exits and must be an opposite flow in the opposite direction.
We know this by heart and by our nature. For example we do hard exercises that make us thirsty and tired. We impose this excessive pressure on ourselves because we know there follows thirst and tiredness. A thirst to be satisfied and we enjoy drinking water and we enjoy the shower afterwards and the rest we give to our body. By this we are balancing our body to the point it was in the first place and we are using this transfer to have enjoyment. So there exists opposite flow of feelings when the balance is disturbed. Even in a normal situation when we are feeling well and happy we must realize that there will soon or later be an opposite feeling. With us bipolars when we experiencing mania. The feeling of the up lifting is an outside stimulus caused by the chemical imbalance but the compensation we have to pay by our own limited material. And we experience the opposite direction feeling of depression. It is like having good feeling using drugs. The good feeling is followed by a downfall but the downfall process uses up our own limited resources of energy. To compensate what is lost we have or feel the need to use the drug again and this time since we have lost our limited resource we need to use more drug to get to where we have been before. A close vicious circle and a losing battle. Now in fighting the depression or let us call it the bad feeling we use medication which is good because it also is an outside stimulus. But it should be just enough to overcome the bad feeling and if it is more than that then in return for that extra good feeling the drug gave us we have to use our resources. I know it is hard to make sure we are having the right amount of drug and I am not we can be 100% successful in obtaining it but here are the facts.
Now if we experience the elevation which we call here the good feeling we aught to put a control on it (not fight it since that will cause an opposite reaction later on) just control the flow. Now in both cases the drugs should not be stronger than the feelings but there should be left an empty space for our own efforts to cope with them. To put off small fire a glass of water would do fine we do not need a pool of water.
It is like when the drug addicts try to give us. They must face and live up to the agony of the bad feelings and suffer in order to get back in natural balance.
In the movie "the beautiful mind" if I remember the title correctly, the imaginary characters still existed but were ignored by him. He learnt how to deal with them and lead a normal life. We are going to have a hard time but it is worth it. At the moment the depression is there for me. I do not fight it because it will bite back harder so I just ignore it and go on with my life. Now I feel it to be a creature that is getting smaller and smaller every time. I might even pity for it.
Next time I will explain more and I will recommend a book to read or find information about the context in the Net.

Dandelions

2005-08-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

Here is a poem I wrote last night. It sort of came along by itself. There are imbalances there due to the fact that the poem is a translation from my own language into English so you may excuse.

My hands small
My thoughts in a mess
My pen slow
The house is dark
With a small corner
That my wife
Has donated to me
To spend my night
On a bed that I so much hate
I have my own friends in all colors
Nicely packed
Every morning with the help of a glass of white milk
I sallow my friends
The man at the chemist
Is the only person who knows
How unhappy I am
In my wife's eyes I am
An ugly monster
My wife believes
That I should eat up
The throw ups of my past
And that is not just enough
And for the theft of a bread loaf
I must die to the end of time
My love is a few dandelions
That I keep in my hands
In the hope of a breeze
It will soon blow
And I will let go

Depression is coming back

2005-08-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

It's been few days since the depression has been eyeing me making preparations to come back. Last time it was ignored due to my sticking to my schedules. It looks like a creature and it knows it has been ignored. This time I have set a tighter list of things to do while it is around.
Last week a girl phoned me from a firm selling fire extinguishers. I said I might buy one for my car and that I would phone. Ever since she kept ringing me to see if I was going to buy one. By now she doesn't care if I'd buy or not and she keeps calling me and talking to me. She reads me poems she has written herself and says I am a good listener. Well I don't mind it and enjoy talking to her. She is only 19 so I'll keep it at that. Just a phoning friend. She is nice and full of energy and of course with ideas about life that you expect from a 19 years old girl. She has told me everything about herself. She thinks life has treated her unfairly and all that. I just listen and can't say much because she is experiencing things we have experienced somewhere along our lives and she has to snap out of it by herself.
The sleepy thing is also back and bothers me but I manage to keep awake. Inside I feel I am young again and can't stop being funny at times. Though I have no one to share it with. I am being nice to everyone even though I don't feel right all the time. My wife, well I am being real nice to her but she does not respond. She is still annoyed of things of the past and I can't do much about it. I mean what can I do when she prefers to live in the past.
My medication is at its lowest. I had bad news about my doctor. He is gone to hospital to undergo a heart operation and won’t be back until next month. So my appointment this month was canceled. Last time we met he gave me a very detailed information about my condition and said whenever I needed to go to doctor I should tell him or her, this and that. Now I understand why he said all that. I hope he is well again and back to work. He was going to cut my meds further but now I guess I will have to stick to it until he is back.
Lately I am even busier at work. Many samples are arriving and purchases are rising. I have to keep track of all these. I receive forty to fifty mails everyday I have to answer.
My brother did not respond to me anymore and has stopped. Well I guess he is not interested. Never mind!
When I am carrying a heavy thing and I have to carry it long distance, I usually do not think about the destination and I say to myself my next step is my next destination. I just try to keep on moving. Now I am in the same situation. I do not know how long I can keep it up but I will go on. I need a rest to all this. Hope it is round the next corner. It might sound silly but I feel I need someone or something to put all my trust in and give all my love to and absorb as much as I can. Perhaps a hobby can do that for me or a new friend.
In any case life goes on and I am trying to catch up. Maybe I should relax and let it go on sometimes.

The bright side

2005-07-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Since I was diagnosed as being bipolar and treated I have learnt a great deal.
I have learnt how to say NO.
I have learnt to take things easy.
I have learnt to be less sensitive.
I have learnt to be emotionally independent.
I have learnt to look at the bright side of things.
I have learnt to take things as they are and know people as they are.
I have learnt how short my life is.
I have learnt how to take more care of myself.
I have learnt how to live in present and not in the past or future.
And I have learnt how to love myself and many many other I have learnt things.
My disorder made me think.
Despite the fact that:
I sometimes feel depressed.
I sometimes feel elevated.
And a few other I sometimes.

Like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
Like a worm on a hook,
Like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee.
If I, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you.

Like a baby, stillborn,
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me.
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

Oh like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.

Leonard Cohen

So long so good

2005-07-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

Things are moving along smoothly. I feel a bit angry over some matters that I won't go into details but this morning I woke up having a dream in which I was shouting at someone. I have to let out my fury somehow. What makes me happy though is that I am having emotions about things rather than taking them inside and bury them until they die and that's good. I do not over react. Anger sometimes feels like a normal reaction and it is just fine especially when the reason is so logically acceptable.
Wife relation issue is no longer bothering me. As far as it is not my fault it is OK. Couldn't do much about it so I left it there. Last night I was watching a program on TV. It is about family relationships. Well what really was interesting was the last quota that the advisor said. "Let us appreciate the right of others of not accepting our request".
My daughter is growing just fast. She is 8. She seams more involved in our life than she was before. What I mean is that she acts more mature and more part of the gang than rather a child in the family. With the relationship I am making with her I am helping her participate in our little jokes and make comments, of course up to the limit of her age. She knows about my blog though she of course does not read it. I just explained to her that I keep a kind of diary which I share with others. She says "please tell them about what I do when you come home and ring the door bell" Yes she stand on her chair behind the door looking through the eye piece. I do not know what she finds funny about this that she keeps me waiting while looking and asks me to make faces before she opens the door. I'll post one of he pictures in future.
Today I am going to have an X-ray taken from my tooth. The lady dentist will deside if it is needed pulling out or can save it. It is sad to lose a tooth. Poor little thing hs done a lot for me!
My nephew sent me an e-mail from India. He lives there. The things he says about that country are amazing. One is, in small cities if you go to the butcher to buy meat you should be careful on your way back home so that the eagles over head won't snitch from you. Or about the so many different religions and rituals. I should find an excuse to make a business trip to India on the company.
It is nearly time to go home, the rest I will post from home tonight. Bye for now and take care.

The Four Seasons

2005-07-23T04:29:00.000-07:00

The previous post was written on Wednesday but for some problems was added to my blog too late. Anyway I am back from my vacation. I enjoyed there cut off from the busy world. I got back late last night and slept late. In the morning I visited my doctor. My appointments are going to be every month instead of every two weeks and then he said will be reduced to every six months. I will continue my meds for panic attacks although with lower dose and my Flux will continue as it is. The session took two hours. He assured me that I was not imagining things and that change had actually taken place. He told me not to go into details about psychological matters and just live my life. Try to make money and spend it well. Of course that is the difficult part but all in all he asked me to take life as it is. He is sort of right. I am spending too much time working on myself. Into what ever I change I will never be myself. By changes I mean structural changes otherwise changes happen all the time and one should change for the better all the time. "You don't have to carry the label "bipolar" with you everywhere you go" he said. "This is part of our job to label disorders in order to categorize them. Not every patient goes through the same things as the book says and it is not necessary to think it that way." He added.
I do not forget that I do have a disorder but I do not feel doomed anymore. Future possible depressions and manias won't put me off either. I will deal with them as they come along. I don't have to worry about it now.
From the information I have the sad news is that my doctor has some heart problems and he has decided not to go through agonizing and painful tests and treatments and he wants to live his rest of remaining years working at ease exercise and have a balanced diet. It is sad to ever loose him. He had so far thought me how to fish and I am ever so grateful to him for that.
One temptation I have is to have the control over my mania and turn it into a productive asset.
Life doesn't look fun but I am going to live it and enjoy it if I can and at times when I can't do anything to change hard situations I am going to laugh it off. If life is a symphony I'd rather have The Four Seasons by Vivaldi. Not some monotonous blue notes repeating themselves until the end. I accept that I'll have to live through all four seasons and look at their bright side even in freezing winter or dull autumn (In the bottom of the deep dark well of depression or the head spinning height of mania.) unless I am wealthy enough to move to some ever spring island. But too much paradise may be boring, too.

Out of The Shell

2005-07-22T14:38:00.001-07:00

Is it a mania? ….. Is it a depression?
No, it is the super bipolarman!

It’s been two days in a row that I feel myself again. Normal I think. As I had always been. After a year and half I feel I am out of it. My sense of humor is back. Well from outside you could not see it. A serious looking businessman with as enough laughs as it is appropriate for the occasion. The change is within. The meds still continue and my sleep is very well adjusted. Sort of back on track. The meds do not do miracles but they sure help it happen. They help me to help myself. I am sick of nagging and want to live to the last bit of it. For one and half yesr moods have fucked and now it is my turn. I’ll bite back.

If I can’t do anything about it I might as well enjoy it. It has ridiculed me for a while and I am going to ridicule it now that I still can.
I gathered as much help as I could get, from others and turned their ideas into maneuverous practices. Do not know how long this is going to last but it is here and now that is important. I feel right and am going to keep it as far as I could. I have put some valves to control the energy within though. I must not waste it. This here is a reflection of what is going on inside.
Now , is it mania? Couldn’t. my sleep pattern is just right and I do not think I am a supper human with out of limits abilities. No racing thoughts and goal seeking ideas and ever switching ideas. Just a normal guy.
Is it the depression? Couldn’t be. I do not feel all cramp curled within and I do not want to escape everything and stay in a dark corner.
Is it some sort of schizophrenic attack coming back after years? No couldn’t be. I do not have the idea of saving the world and certainly do not think am as important as being followed by secret services and spied on by sophisticated intelligence devises.
It is that I do not want to be treated as a typical scientific case and being labeled “BIPOLAR” and put aside going through a routine. Well I continue my meds as prescribed by my doctor, God bless him. He doesn’t treat me like a routine case in the text book. He adjusts the meds to work for me.

The meds (this is for Tom Land Cruise) and the help of my doctor and the support of those who care and even the shortest (but greatest) comments I received in my blog and the fact of bloging itself and myself, I am back on track.
Tom! You don’t know what you are missing!
It is not his fault actually. Most probably the depression he is talking about is only a “deppy” compared to the “DEPRESSION” we experience. How can one come out of a real one without the meds. And the side effects are tiny compared to the pain.

Tomorrow I am off for two days of vacation on the mountaintops.

I will survive

2005-07-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

My comments about a person we both knew did it. My brother did answer back. I straightaway sent him a very long message and with it sent him one of my posts from my blog (to save him time clicking on the link I sent him). From there no news from my brother. He is so slow in corresponding.
I got this cravenness for sleep the other day, it actually took three or four days. At one time I slept 6 pm and woke up at 7.30 am still feeling the need to sleep and went to work that way. I don't know what it is. Is it the mania or the depression showing itself up in a new disguise? My eyes want to close but I don't fall to sleep. The craving ends as soon as I get home. It is OK now even though last night I slept real late, at 2 or 3 am. I usually sleep around 10 pm. And get up at 6 in the morning. I almost gave up on my wife. she just can't do anything about it and she is the way she is. She says she loves me but from what I see (and I don't ask for much) she doesn't know the meaning of the word. Then I remembered this song.

I'll have all my life to live
I'll have all my love to give
I will survive
Hay hay……"I told myself "!

I sometimes wish I wasn't so much a family man. That I was the same as I was when I was not married yet. Like many guys I see around. Seeking their desires els where but that is not me. It is against my nature. Perhaps it is crazy to be in love with the woman I married 12 years ago and still so madly. It is becoming a weakness. I mean is there anything wrong with that? Any ladies out there who could help me sort this thing out? I am baffled.

Intentionally or unintentionally she is doing just the same thing her mother did to her father. (it is another long story).

Perhaps it is because I have to balance myself and be more independent. It is no one's fault maybe.

A problem at work is I am too fast for the job. I do my job and have free time working on new projects. I have turned a middle sized firm into a busy one. The firm is to seek outside investment to go on with new projects.
For the second parts of my blog, I am working on my memories taking them into more details and intend to make it up into a complete work.

Smile

2005-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

My brother replied to my message and I sent him an answer. After that, dead silence from his part. I do not know the reason and well he has not visited my blog. Not interested I guess. But today I sent him yet another message and said in it everyday things and some of my opinions on people we both know. The only person left for me who cares and keeps up with me is my sister. Other connections seam to be ONE way. Well I do not much care really. I have my online friends. And most important I have myself! I should care for myself much more. It may seam a little selfish but I realized loving oneself is needed in some respect. Self-confidence I believe is not something that can be reached by repeating good positive words to oneself. It has to have some basis so I am trying to find positive things that already exist in me. I criticize myself too often and it is not good. Another thing I need is independence. Not to say that I intend to isolate myself, no. I feel more balanced than a few days ago. My doctor has moderated my meds a bit and I take just as much as I need and this helps me not to be addicted to them though Alpraz I understand if quitted or missed more than one dose gives me problem. I not only feel normal but to look at the bright side of it this disorder has given me another edge and thought me things I had never known otherwise. I get most use out of being elevated and try to control my using this energy by installing a kind of mental valve to use the potential energy it gives me. I have learnt to act normal when I am down and this acting helps me to get up again faster than before. Like forcing a smile on my face while I am depressed down to my soul. I do not have many years to live and I do not want to waste it on pitying myself for being down and that I lack this and that and asking questions like “Why Me?”.
I heard this somewhere in a film or so I can’t remember. “everyone in a set situation feels afraid even the hero but Turn your fear to anger and use the anger to move on.” It went something like this. Surly you get what I mean. I had a telephone call from work. My secretary said that we have received answer to our inquiry from one of our suppliers. I made a telephone call from home to China and talked to the girl in charge and also talked to her husband. Last time I visited China they were engaged to be married. I congratulated them and then talked some business. I will write more about my visits to China if you are interested in my next posts.
( My wife has just come back from her Yoga classes. )
Something I found interesting about my doctor is that he believes in ghosts and he says it has been recently proved by scientific experiments. And he also believes energies around us are responsible for many feelings we have. It is the first time I see a doctor believing things like this and admitting it. Our relationship seams an interesting one in a way that he also spends some time talking about himself, his ideas and his problems and beliefs. Anytime I visit him we talk for hours and other patients wait for their turns and his secretary keeps bringing the files to say that people are waiting outside. Well he is a nice guy apart from being a doctor.
I just can’t help writing long posts. Well it is time to go for now. I leave you with the second part.

New life
Having to experience things on his own, Radin had really hard time to adapt to the new environment. As explained he had to face things in life especially at the ages between 14 to 17 on his own. And being naïve and inexperienced caused a lot of misunderstandings and problems later in his life. He had had no one to help him learn about new changes which were taking place in him. In many ways he got things the wrong way. This lead to complications, this and the fact that he had been under attack of sarcasm and mistreatment by other members of his family.
He lived in a family and that gave him a good feeling. Since he was at the first stages of becoming an adult and saw the world from the eyes of a teenager, he soon started to not only understand the substance of his surroundings but also he sort of felt he belonged to that place somehow. He always wanted to get to the core of things. Soon after a few months he had to find a job in order to support himself. With that started his long hard working experience. He worked and studied both at the same time. The work was hard and the pay was low. He was loved by his classmates for his energetic ways and for his sense of humor. He made many good friends who never lost contact in later life. But all in all he felt sort of lonely.

Elevation

2005-07-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

With the help from some very caring friends I was able to pull myself up again. I must learn to love myself more. Life seams like a movie not only seen from the cinema but also I feel I am involved in the story. I do not intend to leave the theater and the scene. I intend to sit and see it to the end. At least that is how I feel now. The pain I feel is like any other physical pains I have experienced. I won't give in. I feel a bit elevated and higher than a few days back. I do not take it as a change in mood due to my disorder or I do not want to look at it that way. "I will survive".
Once again like a cat released with four legs up, I twisted and landed on my four legs. Tell the truth I had even planed to leave. But now I feel differently.
To satisfy my wife I did go to that doctor. He is so squarely cut minded and he gives what ever meds the books say. But I actually convinced him to continue my meds from my favorite doctor. My new and favorite doctor believes that in the case of bipolar with more tendency towards depression first thing is to control the depression and cut the stabilizing meds until the need is felt and the first signs of mania is evident. Well of course I am not in a position to recommend this to others but it works with me. I realize that every individual has its own needs of meds and this is with the doctor to decide it from what he sees from his patient. He spends as much time as it is needed for me. Last time I saw him he gave me so much time and attention. He is so human and talks about his problems to me as well as listening to mine. He has suggested to bring my wife for next appointment. Next appointment is on Monday.

Thursday evening we went to a wedding. My nephew's wedding. My sister preferred not to come because of our mother death. I decided to go since they had prepared for it anyway and I did not want to disappoint the newly wed couples. Everything went on well. I sat amongst the young people of our family and felt ever so young again and felt as I was and felt before my disorder diagnosed. Telling jokes and being jolly. Meeting some people brought back many memories from the past. I realized how lively a person I had been at my youth. Here I would like to thank those who follow my blog and those who care to leave their comments.
---------------------------------------

Love, a simple word for a vast world
Radin started the experience of love earlier than his fellow friends. Although it was not so deep, his loves at the first sight started while still very young, about nine. First it was Maria. Opposite right neighbor. He met her and talked to her using all kinds of excuses he could think about. Then it was Sim. Who was a little fat girl. She was beautiful and showed her interst to him but well Radin was not interested. All these loves were fantasy like loves. Until he met Tar. At the age of 14. He was so attracted to her he could not think of any other girl. He even wrote a few poems in praise of her beauty and charm.

" with your smile I am reminded
reminded of flourish of the rain drops
blossom on the dry earth
and the smell of fresh rain"

one day to attract her attention he borrowed his borther's (Asi) motorbike. When sitting on the saddle his feet hardly touched the ground. He went with the bike to their door to meet her and his family he had made friends with. Just to show off. Her family approved of their relationship and later on her brother told him how much she loved him. On his way back that day he had difficulty moving the bike on the first gear. It kept turning off. Before everything getting ruined he managed to set off and go home safely. They used to play backgammon and her mother would always send her little brother to keep their company.
No one Knew how harsh the things will go in the country for the years to come. There was going to be big changes. Changes that affected all. Many families were going to have problems and so many were going to be destroyed. And on the other hand so many villainous people were going to rise in high and sensitive levels crushing the others under the influence of their own poor judgment ,immature beliefs and personal obsessions that were surfacing now that they had the power.
Radin had to leave the country against his strong desire to stay and help and participate in the change. At that time what they had gone through inside a restricted police type government and under close political inquisition had closed their eyes on the true changes which were taking place. Emotional rather than rational. This wasn't to do with being young. It went for everyone. They were craving for change without thinking "what next".
When Radin thought back at those times he felt he had been so lucky to leave in time. Losing Tar was hard but well there was not much he could do.
The moment of departure came after a party the night before his flight with all his friends. He was then only 17 and he was to go into a new world and start his independent life with little experience and very little help from his family.
The journey was like being capsulated into something and being shot into space and after a few hours he ended up in a whole new world. Strange, interesting and frighteningly different. Everything had been arranged for him in advance even his place of residence. It took time before getting used to the new situation and there he experienced his first panic attack which of course was not recognized by doctors at the emergency ward.
After having breakfast he left for school by bus. One day when he arrived at the bus stop for the first time he met D. with her curly hair and wide kind smile she looked like one of those paintings he loved to look at in books. With his little knowledge of the language he started to talk to her. He was feeling true love for the first time in his life. He never forgot this first meeting.

"the bus stop
the mild wind
the very first words coming out awkwardly
her smile
her explaining things
her pointing to the ring on her finger
explaining the word fiancé "

The disappointment did not discourage him and he in his poor command of language asked for their friendship. Even only friendship would do. A painful sweet love started in his life. She was like a dream seen in bright daylight. He guessed later that she herself did not notice how good she was. Using the simple word of "good" here means more than any word could explain. It is simple but in it lies a vast great meaning. Like a landscape of everything beautiful in life. All on a single piece of work of art. The real beauty at its simplest form.

The truth is revealed

2005-07-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

I know I am gibbering too much about my relationship with wife, well this the main issue at the moment. I talked to her last night she thinks this is not going to work. She seams to have no feelings for me. I don't blame her. I had been so ignorant. It was due to my disorder. She just can't stand my moods change. In short she told me to "piss off". Well that is exactly what I am going to do. A life without love is not worth living. To tell the truth I never saw any affection from her in my marriage life. I was being too optimistic that is why it seams like a shock. I am not in any mood at today. I feel bad but it is a normal feeling. Many plans come to my mind of how to handle this situation. I do not know which one to choose. I still love her but it is not going to work in any way. At least I did my best. She thinks we should lead our own lives. Just respect each other and that is all. How am I to live in one house with her and lead my own life. I think the only thing that worries her is that we get a divorce and that is because she doesn't want to make our problem public. She is thinking what others might think. Or perhaps she is worried about our child. I do understand her but can't do much about it. She doesn't want to forget. She doesn't want to forgive. I just phoned and told her all this. I said "you took the worst revenge possible" "why didn't you just leave me when it all started? Was it because what others might think or was it because of our child?" "at least I did my best to make things up again." "one day you asked me what I would do if you were in any way ill?" "you asked me if I would ever leave you?" "well I don't know the answer to that but I do know what you would do if I were ill." "you left me alone in my worst ordeal of my life, when I needed you most." "I wish you all the best and hope you are happy"
"I'll call you back" she said coldly. When something nice happens in my life I make myself ready for a disaster to follow. I am used to lose. All my efforts are on stake. I just feel bad. No regret. No self pity. No nothing. Just as empty as the space between heavenly bodies. Empty and bad. I try to continue the blog and I do my best to express myself. But at last I found out that the real problem is me. My very being. My presence.
-----------------------------------

The dark side of things
Radin felt different to other children although he managed to mix with them alright. It was all about dreams. He was in his own dreams. He floated in his own thoughts. He wanted to be the best and on top all the time. He could not accept his own weaknesses. And Fard always reminded him of how weak he was. He was all the time under sarcastic remarks at the age of 12 to 17. He had no one to help him find himself and built his own self personality. Although he could still see the beautiful things in life and was able to laugh and live life as it was. But deep inside, he was lost. He felt so much being good for nothing that he lead people to treat him that way. Any time he met a new person Fard was there to give them detailed information on how weak he was and he was left naked with nothing to show or express. And when Fard was not around he did the job himself. The only defense he knew of was the way he looked at them. His father was far too old for him, him being the last child. His mother was not an educated woman and was all the time busy with house work. His eldest brother twenty years apart did in no way understand him. He was offered no help and he was expected to find his own way in life. He had to work out everything himself with little experience he had, if you could call it experience. He made so many mistakes that in later life he had to pay for them and accept the consequences. It was alright up until 12. But it all started and his life turned gray. He was too stubborn to accept it. But when he later thought about those years he saw the bright blinding truth. His father didn't talk to him much except for a few words here and there. You could not tell what was going on inside him. He looked full of joy and life. He was so funny and loved by his friends for being so successful at school and that he acted as if nothing was ever wrong with him. And he adapted to new situations so well. But the dark shadow was there for him. The dark shadow that darkened his life all the time. He still saw the bright light at the end of the tunnel. What life had in store for him was in no way pleasant. At the age of seventeen he left home and started an independed life on his own. He went to a foreign country. The first thing he felt when he arrived was the shock of the new.

New contacts

2005-07-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

I contacted my eldest brother Mano who lives in another country. The response was surprising. Very interesting. It had been a long time since we talked. He is as I said before, a play write and theater actor. He seams to understand me beyond my expectations. I sent him a replay and thanked him on that and his offer to help. I explained some issues in my life to him and seek his advice. I feel he has got much to offer. Well I will see this in his response to my last message.
Things are going steadily though it is somewhat like a drunken man walking. At least the average direction is straight forward. I have to moderate my expectations of change and move on despite some disappointments. I mustn't give in.
I realized that my brother-in-law who is a man shows more emotions than does my wife.
I do not want to live the rest of my life stock into a prewritten instruction manual of couples married for a decade. Life is too short for that. In the past I was damn too lost in my ways and that is partly my own fault.
"Seek your emotional needs in some higher sources (God she means)" she says.
"I am an earth being with all that nature has offered me. I want to live a life on earth. I want to leave that higher cling for the other world where it is more meaningful" I say.
Tell me if I am wrong please.
We had a busy weekend with many visitors. Good really. When there are people around she seams more talkative and I can see her laugh. Well kind of sad really. I do not feel sorry for myself at all. But I think I have a point there. The question is how to get it through. Perhaps I am pushing too hard. I should let it be as it is for the time being.
I am OK at work. By the way in my search in the internet I found my first and best friend at my first elementary year at school. V. Raravan. I talked about him in my last diary. I found his address and telephone number. He was shocked to hear me and was so pleased. We are going to arrange a meeting. It is going to be interesting. What I remember of him is a seven year old little boy. He is married with a son of seven.
I feel right now there is a gap and an empty space within me which should be filled with something. I do not know what it is. I just lack it and do not feel good about it. The emptiness is discomforting. I have to phone my doctor and make an appointment. I lost my last appointment due to my mother's death. I were to take my wife with me and I don't think she will agree to come this time. Perhaps she thinks she is going to be under the magnifying glass by my doctor and she doesn't like that. Instead she said she is going to make an appointment with my last doctor. She wants to seek his advice on me. Well I accepted it. No problem. I do not like that doc at all but well meeting him to satisfy her I will do.
I sometimes think. "Am I not understood" "Am I going the wrong direction". No means to measure. I wish things like this were in metric and were somehow easier to measure. The emptiness hurts.
As far as life is concerned I go on and do not show these things on surface. Like Pink Floyd say, "You hide, hide behind …". It is here in my blog where I really show my feelings.
-------------------
The second year at school
Radin had to leave his first school and move to a new one for his second elementary year. The summer in between hadn't much to remember except for his next life friend Gol. Gol was the last child in his family. The father had died when he had been very young and due to the family's problems he had spent some years in an orphanage. Radin despite his age felt how difficult it might have been for Gol. His mother worked to finance the family until the older brothers went to work. Later she married again. Gol found comfort in Radin's house and liked the way he was treated by other members of Radin's family. Next friend he made in those days was Meh. This boy had many sisters and only one brother. They came from north. They accepted Radin as part of their own family and this gave Radin a good feeling. They even took him to their home town when they traveled there. The father was a lively nice man full of positive energy for the family. And the mother was quite opposite in that respect but she was very hard working. Radin seldom saw her smile and if she did she still kept her fixed sulk. The girls were so full of life. What happy days.
Second year at school. The school was for boys and they came from very different backgrounds. Radin was the best student in his class and for the coming year he was going to be a very stubborn rival to Moss. A white skinned little boy who came from a traditional rich family. Being successful at school is not always fun especially when one feels different to the others. Although he had good friends there but still felt different to the others. The school was even more restricted than the previous one. Radin loved to be like Karm. A small boy who always smiled. He had a younger brother and his parents were very young. This Radin liked the most. Anytime he visited their house he would admire the way they lived. A young educated mother. Karm, this lovely little boy in later life when was only twenty four he experienced his first symptoms of MS. Radin met his parents then. They had grown old not by aging though but by the weight they felt on their shoulder. She was very happy to see one of Karm old friends and in her eyes Radin could see what she was saying. "Do you see how sadly my son at this age is suffering? My little Karm. You are his friend you understand how I feel don't you". Yes he did.
At home things went on the way they did before. Now Radin went to school and left early morning. Every morning seamed a new start. He felt he was born again and again. They queued in the school yard for Morning Prayer and a little exercise conducted by the head master Mr. Ohad. He was a monster in the eyes of the students. He had this whistle that when ever he blew everyone in the yard should stop still in the very situation they were in. it helped him pick up the one student who had apparently done something wrong. Later on when one day Radin saw this man in his house and amongst his family felt how ordinary this monster looking headmaster was. Radin was lucky to have a very kind teacher, Mrs. Moh. Her name meant kind in their language. And she was really kind. She was always seen pregnant. She had many children. And perhaps it was the eyes of an expecting mother that gave her this so kind looking appearance. She was going to be Radin's teacher for three years. The owner of the school lived beside the school with his two sons and daughter.
Once it was winter time a lot of snow had been gathered in the yard from the night before. The head master sounded so unusually kind. From the loud speaker he said. "Dear students please help pile up the snow near the entrance in order to built a snow man." Students were delighted and surprised at the same time. Everyone with what ever means gathered the snow in one place in no time. The bell rang and they went to their classes. Through the windows of their class they saw the school worker loading the snow into a wheelbarrow and emptying it in the street.
In winter they heated their house using a kerosene cooker. The father would warm his red palms against the cooker and put them on their ears when they came home all cold and wet. Radin had a so nice feeling being warmed this way. Playing in snow was wonderful. What Radin loved most was when it was snowing lat at night and he could go outside and walk on the snow with that warping sound it made and be the first one to imprint his trace on the snow. He had so close relation with snow. A relation he later could not have. The white talked to him and said of things he could not hear but only feel. He was lucky to live in a city where seasons where all what they should have been. Having dinner altogether around a table. And listening to the radio. The radio they had was one of those radios which took sometime to warm up before turning on. They listening to the late night radio play following the story. Every wendsday they announced the winners of that weeks lottery on the radio. Radin's mother bought the ticket every week and they all listened to the result with the same interest without being much optimistic but the fun still remained. One day the mother gave the ticket to Jibi to check the numbers against the results in the newspaper. Jibi look carefully and showing he is so happy and surprised said. "Oh may God. You have won the grand prize" Radin's mother was taken aback by the news and stopped eating dinner. Jibi was joking as usual. The prize they had was the great fun they had and the laugh. The man who sold these lottery tickets was a half blind man who owned a small stool in the street. On Wednesdays afternoon he would go around the neighborhood and shout. "One hour left." The ticket did not bring any prizes but brought with it some excitement into their life. Luck was perhaps something Radin never experienced in his life or that was what he thought. Radin loved his family. everyone of them in his own way. Not all were his favorite but still the family gatherings at winter nights was a warm treat. His mind wandered beyond their small house. A kind of daydreaming. He took life as it was and it was wonderful.

Life goes on

2005-06-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

I have recently made two stupid mistakes. One at home and another at work. The first just couldn't have been me. I can't get over it. My wife though confronted it really well but it mixed up some pending issues and I will have to start almost from the beginning again. The fact is I can't get over it myself. The second was at work. Not much of a problem but still I have to face the consequences. These set me back a bit but I have to be strong. To tell the truth I feel like being at a breaking point but I have decided to stay put and let time help me out. I am avoiding going into deep depression again by all the methods I know apart from medication. Mixing with people. Getting involved in things and trying to do what seams correct even though it might look artificial. The self guilt is the most powerful of all feelings I have. It is a kind of energy and I mustn't keep it inside otherwise it will transform into something else. Something harmful. I have to find a way to let it out. This energy must leave my mind. (Any suggestions are welcomed).
I try hard not to stop the schedules I have set for myself just because I have run into trouble. I mustn't lose my self determination.
I came about "Feng Shui" the other day and made some searches in the internet. Surly many of you know about it already. Very interesting. It is an ancient Chinese art and knowledge. I recommend it. It is all about how to set things in your home in order to balance energies. A balance between five elements, Wood, Earth, Water, Fire and Metal. You determine the situation of your home using a compass and then draw a map and do some calculations. It is a kind of science really. I also decided to go to yoga classes. My wife and my daughter go to yoga and say it helps a great deal. "Yoga", "Feng Shui", meditation, I don't know what will be next! Oh and I got some burning Indian incense and I am going to get some candles (Fire element). I believe there are things that I don't quite understand how or why but they work.
I dreamt about my father and mother and I saw myself in my own death bed, passing away quite peacefully. I am not superstitious at all but I believe dreams have something in them from our very inner self. It is a communication between the deep and the surface and sometimes they have a healing effect. Though most my dreams are related to my everyday experiences but they are how I really see the world or how I should look at things and I don't. A kind of reminder. So I pay attention to them.
We are having a bit of problem with our kid these days. She is being spoiled by my wife and it is no good for her and us. We have to do something about it soon. I will talk about it to my wife today. When ever she has an unreasonable demand and is confronted with my wife's indecisive reaction she pushes harder until she gives in. it is becoming a fixed action and reaction.
Tow days ago I met an old colleague from the place I first worked. He looked very old and tiered and told me about the problems he had been through from the time we last met. He also told me a very sad story about one other colleague (Mr. Shap) who also used to be our neighbor when I was a little boy. Very sad end. He had died under a very simple operation at hospital and his wife and one of his two daughters were victims in a murder case. I feel sorry for the remaining family member. I knew her as child.

---------------------------------------------

The mystic House Opposite

One good thing about Radin's house was that its front door opened opposite to another street that joint their street. On the opposite left hand house lived fatty A. The boy who loved dried bread. His parents were always into a quarrel. They fought and were heard by other neighbors. Any family who moved into that house had the same problem without exception. Perhaps it was something to do with house. At least that is what people thought. After fatty A. moved from that house, Shap's family moved in and they had the same problem. A young couple with a little girl, one year younger than Radin.
It was time for Radin to go to school. First day at school was not pleasant at all. It was the first time he was far from her mother and was not used to environments like this. He just couldn't stop crying when her mother left. At last one of the teachers took him into the office and tried to calm him down. It was a very big mixed school with a large swimming pool in the yard. It was one of the best schools in the district. Although Radin's father was not a rich man but had decided to enroll him in this private school. He soon adapted to the place and made a few friends. His favorite teacher was their English teacher. She was young, beautiful and kind. The smell of new books full of colorful pictures. The smell of freshly sharpened pencils and the very first letters he tried to copy into his notebook were all imprinted into his memory for life. What made him different from other children were his big blue or green eyes and white skin. This of course was natural in his family. His father, two of his brothers, his two aunts and most of his relatives had blue eyes. To go to school he had to walk all along the opposite street do a few turns and pass across two other streets. The journey back and forth was something of its own nature. For him it was a world of wonder. First the famous bushy tree. He had told everyone that "this tree, my father has planted it". From where he had got that idea nobody knew but he insisted on it. Then it was the shops. "Mr. Masht"'s shop on the right. A very nagging old man and his ugly wife. he sold things in his shop which looked a thousand years old. He was believed to be a rival to Mr. Shok but he could not match Shok's charm and communication skills. Opposite Masht's shop was a butchery shop. He used to have a boy working for him who since did not have a fixed place to live in he was sometimes locked in the shop for the night. One night he needs to go to the toilet and he gets so frustrated that he does it in a bag and put it inside one of the refrigerators and in the morning when the butcher comes… it was both funny and sad. Some of the doorways also attracted Radin. His world had become larger. The world he himself experienced on his own. He traveled often with his family and seen many places but this somehow was different. A kind of independence. To add to his responsibilities Mr. Shap (opposite neighbor) asked Radin to take his daughter to kinder garden adjacent to his school. He proudly accepted it and felt grown up leading another child to school though she was only one year younger than him. Every first day of the week the headmaster inspected their finger and toes nails. If it was longer than expected or dirty the poor child was punished either by blows to the palm of their hands using a big ruler or were locked in the small shed at the end of the yard. The look of the shed gave Radin a bad feeling. Their English book was very interesting for him with all those pictures. "Look Look, Hey Look". The school was kept quite clean and despite the restrictions imposed he had a very good time there. His best friend at school was "V. Raravan". Radin always talked about him at home. "V. Raravan said this", "V. Raravan said that". His front teeth were fallen and he had big kind brown eyes and a round face. He was always doing something with his bag and chewed the end of his pencils. Another of Radin's friend was "Suzan". She was a thin girl with glasses. The first year at school was the biggest event of his life. The world seamed so wonderful. Full of interesting people (even the headmaster). The wind, the rain, the trees, the fresh air, the smell of different sorts of food from the houses on the way. The running clear water at Jab street, the sweets, the ice creams, the sun…. it seamed that the heart of everything would pump for ever.

Slept well

2005-06-22T01:07:00.000-07:00

It all started well today. I had a good rest last night. Woke up refreshed and prepared our "fast eating" breakfast. My wife was in a good mood, too. And my daughter didn't nag about staying home with her grandmother. She seams to enjoy going shopping with her and attending early morning exercises she takes in our nearby park. She must be the youngest in the group. Most of them are grannies of all shapes and sizes.
Last week was very tiring. My mother funeral and the ceremonies afterwards. A blockage of brain veins. She got sick in the morning and passed away in the evening. It would have been very difficult for her at the age of eighty to survive but being paralyzed for the rest of her remaining life. I have seen this in my friend's mother.

I talked to my eldest brother on the phone and I am going to e-mail him today. He must be about sixty now. He must be leading a difficult life. I sometimes feel sorry for him. A restrictive minded person with rigid, set square attitudes who never welcomes any changes or criticisms of any kind. When you talk to him you feel he has made up his mind about what you are saying in advance and his responses are much pre-judgmental. Communication with him is going to be hard but there are things I have to tell him.
I am glad my doctor cut my previous meds. One of the side effects was that it took away sexual desires. I am feeling myself now. I am not that sexually minded or obsessed about it so much as it may occupy large space of my brain. But still being normal again feels good.
Politics and we are confronted with a very hard decision to make. Between two Bads we are to choose the better. The situation has left us with no choice. We have to participate. Those who follow the world news closely have guessed the whole thing.

Today I do not feel as tired as I did yesterday. But things at work have become a bit complicated. We received samples of some items in our last order which is ready for shipment next week. They did not mach our requirements. It is a very large order but I had to postpone it until we make sure they overcome the problem or else we have to cancel these items which takes time and costs a lot to omit from the order.

Yesterday evening I had to play the part of my daughter's son in her game. She is going to make a very restrictive mother who has her child under close control. That is if she keeps being like she was at our game. I confess I did not act as a much obedient son and did not listen to her and made a mess of everything. At times I acted like she sometimes does but I tell you she makes a better parent than both of us. She kept me under control quite well.

The summers
It was evident that Radin and Hash were not going to make successful businessmen. For one thing they were very impatient in waiting for their investment to roll back. One day they bought all the materials needed to make paper kites and went to Radin's basement for the production. They made six or seven kites in different sizes and took them outside in the street for sale. Some of them were given away to close friends and the rest they kept for themselves. Flying paper kites in those days was very popular. They went on the roof and flew their kites high in the sky. What a feeling. When was lunch time they tied the thread to a pole and went downstairs. And at nights they sent up candle lanterns tied to the string. Summer nights in that city were a festive of its own. The houses were mostly two stories and there were hardly any high rise buildings around. To escape the heat most people slept in their gardens or on the roofs. Mrs. Rash's grandson "Siro" was a sleep walker but still they slept on the roof. She tied a string to his foot and tied the other end to her toe. This way she could wake as soon as he moved. Radin just loved sleeping on the roof. He would set up his bed in advance so it got cool before going to bed. He lied down and looked at the stars and went into deep thoughts. About the past, about the future and about things he loved to do and about the kind of person he wished he were. One night he was thinking about life and death. He imagined how it would be when it was his turn to go. He cried for himself that night. Later when her sister found out about it she talked to him and said "Nobody can escape death. Everyone's turn will come but you have many many years ahead of you. Don't worry yourself too much on that." Later in life Radin came to accept death as part of life but he never could make up his mind whether it was the end of everything or just the beginning of something else. Being an optimistic person he looked at the bright side though the doubt still remained. When he was eight in a book he read about a little fish that wanted to escape his little pond and reach the sea, "It is not important how and when I am going to die. What is important is what difference my life and death makes to this world and the people around me."

Family reunion of the third kind

2005-06-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

My mother passed away on that Tuesday evening and on Wednesday morning we attended the funeral. Even those family members we saw every two years or so attended. We did all the ritual and religious traditions. We put the dead body on the flour and a clergyman prays for her while others stand behind him repeating. Then we put the dead in the grave and while shaking it some clergyman reads prayers. We said goodbye and buried her. I saw all my cousins and their children that day and also my nephews and nieces. Some of them I had to introduce to my wife since she had never seen them before. We gathered in my older brother's and talked about our memories we had of each other. It all went well. These kinds of family reunions mostly happen at funerals. These last few days have been very tiresome. I received many telephone calls from home and abroad. One was from my eldest brother. He is living in another country. He is a playwright and a theater actor there. I had not talked to him or had any contact of any sort for a long time. "Let us learn to know each other. We are all new people by now after so long time. I will write to you and explain about myself and you do the same. Please understand we have both changed and must not see each other as we knew each other in the past." I told him over the phone in the hope that he too tries to start a new kind of relationship without fixed rigid expectations he feels towards me. He is a good guy but he is the kind of person that when have ideas about someone thought that it was never going to change and that their attitude about other people and their judgment is always correct. For these people it is difficult to consider the present and changes they see in other people and to base their attitude upon that. It is difficult to communicate with him but I am going to give it a try.
Regarding my relationship with my wife, it is starting to work and she seams to understand that the changes she had seen in me is going to last longer than expected. Every morning I get up I say to myself "Take the (right) action – fuck the moods." The feedback of my action encourages me to continue. I feel more relaxed now and take things more easily. More over at night before going to bed I feel I have done all I could. This is not true with everyday though. I can not do much about the ups and downs life brings about. Financial pressures, work, dealing with an eight year old girl and all that. I also had to deal with my moods of depression and mania. I do not fight them but having them and at the same time going on with everyday life is a bit difficult. I have managed so far and hope with positive feedbacks I get I can get through.
Today I got up early though I felt much tiered. I slept all night without springing up in the middle of the night and this is a good sign. My wife is no longer able to take our daughter to work with her. This morning we spent sometime to convince her to stay with her grandmother and so I took her to her grandmother at the shopping center where she goes after her morning exercise in a nearby park. My daughter is a bit spoiled by her mother. But I feel that she needs the love and attention her mother provides and with what I see in her personality it is going to be alright in future.
I said I would discuss what triggered the changes I made in my life and relationship. Well one morning I felt that I had to build things upon what I already had and could not wait for something to just happen and change things. This thought came about by reading other people's blogs. I learn a lot from them. I already had a family, a wife whom I should try to understand more rather than fight to get to my point. Love was at hand and we did not have to look for it in some other place. All we had to do was care for it and let it re-grow and maintain it afterwards and feed it. So I started. Put aside all the past negative thoughts and started from the beginning. Like I have just met her and am starting to know her.

Radin was the youngest child in his family. Then was Fard, four years apart. With all the energy of a young boy and so delicate in his feelings towards nature and animals. He had large light brown eyes and short hair. He brought home cats and chickens and kept them in the garden until they became part of the family. His parents did not approve of this but he had his ways to convince them and when he or Radin had problem convincing their father they got help from their only sister Shal. She had some influence on their father and their father would listen to her. Perhaps because she was his only daughter. She was loved by all the family members and other brothers. She was always the go between when Radin and Fard fought. Her long hair was one of her features Radin always remembered as a child. She had this little white bag that Radin and Fard loved. It always contained some money she had saved. When three of them were alone at home and after some talking and playing she would ask Radin to bring the bag. Took out some money and said " Go and get some ice-cream". That ice-cream was the most delicious ice-cream Radin had had in his life. Fard ate his so slowly so it would last longer and so he was having ice-cream while others had finished theirs. They spent many hours talking about their ideas and thoughts. She sometimes read books for them. Especially at night before going to bed. If it was a thriller they turned the lights off and read in bed using a torch. Radin imagination took him inside the story and he felt every thing as real. He was a very imaginative boy and his mind wandered away. Most of the books they read were translation from other languages and this gave them more insight into other peoples lives in the world. Radin thought how close the feelings of people were no matter how far they lived. One of the books that effected him so much at that age was 'The little prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupyry.
The next child in the family was Asi. He had lived twelve years of his life with another family in his parent's birth town because of problems the family had during their emigration to the big city. Radin did not remember first time Asi joined the family in later years but had heard about it. Asi had been so wild and uncontrollable, the first years. He still resents his having to live far from home and felt to be second rate family member and he never forgave his parents for that. Radin loved Asi for he bought him ice-cream and took him to trips around the neighborhood when he was four or five. He had a very exiting time with him.
Next was Jibi with his black eyes, dark skin and black hair. He looked very different in that all the children were more or less fair and blond. He was very skilful in making up stories but although they knew most of it was made up other brothers and sister would listen to his stories and adventures he said he had experienced during the day. He was so funny and the jokes he made, made everyone laugh.
Then came Bama. He was very different in his manners from others. You could hardly see him smile. And he was all the time nagging about the things they did not have. The family wasn't very well off and the only person who worked was their father, a quiet slow man who didn't talk much. He rarely got angry but when he did he only had to look at them straight in the eyes and that did it. When he came home from work, he had lunch (Radin ate his second round of lunch with him), took a nap during which no one was allowed to make the slightest noise. And most of the evenings he read newspaper, books and listen to the news on the radio.
The eldest son was called Mano. He was the first to go to university and owned a book shelf full of different books. Radin often looked at the books and knew them by their pictures. Radin's mother was a hard working housewife but she was so much full of energy that in the evenings she would gather her children and talk to them telling them jokes and made them happy. Sometimes she talked about the past and told them stories about people she had known. She made life in that house so happy and took away all the worries and made Radin see life so beautiful and full of interesting things and people.

The phone call

2005-06-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

Last few days were OK with regard to my new approach towards our relationship. I realized I should not push it too hard. Time is what we need. I just had a telephone call from my sister. She was calling from hospital. Our mother is in CCU with heart complication. They were not allowed in to see her. I had a feeling for the last few days about something like this happening. She is over 80 and she never suffered from any serious illnesses. I am going to the hospital this afternoon. This news has effected all I was going to write today. I remember her working all the time. Raising seven children is really hard work. I had always seen her cooking, washing and cleaning. She also suffered from Bipolar Disorder but was diagnosed and put under medication too late. She suffered for a long time without doctors knowing exactly what it was. You will read about her more in my memories. Losing her is going to be very hard on me. Yet it is another challenge for me as I am trying to cope with my disorder. I have to be strong. I must be strong and take life as it is.
Last night I had a chat with my wife about our relationship. It is very hard to talk to her about feelings. She gets tired and cuts it off. She is not a talkative woman and quite the opposite she talks very little. She has lost her touch with affection and I do not blame her because part of it is my own fault. But she is reluctant to accept her part in it. She is making progress I confess but very slowly. God I wish she was talkative and would talk about herself and about anything. I will not give in though. I will continue to express my feelings towards her and help her in everyday life. I am being more helpful and more effective these days. She works hard and is very tired when she gets home. If I did not cancel my appointment with my doctor tomorrow (because of recent events) I will take her there to see him. Since I went to this doctor and followed his prescription I feel much better. The panic attack has almost disappeared and my anxiety and depression has lessened. He has cut my stabilizer med (Valporate Sodium) and said I could start taking it as soon as I start feeling the symptoms of mania. I sometimes wish the scientists would find a drug that would take away all the negative feelings of this disorder but leave the strong self confidence and self-esteem we feel during the mania. Before my mania gets too hard and at its first stages before I was diagnosed I was working as a manager of an oil company on an island. I managed about twenty people on different working shifts and three consultants who worked for us. I was so much full of energy and did the job so well that I was surprised at myself. I finished projects well ahead of the schedule my boss had expected from me. And on the other hand I kept the personnel so happy. When the problem started I did not let others realized it and flew back home the next day. I had suffered from a different mental problem long ago when I was young and knew that something is wrong but did not know what.
I had to take a less active job and the meds make me slow. If I only could have part of that self-assurance I had before I could be very successful in life. (I am working on it). Bring back the self-confidence without the negative parts. I do not know how to do it but I will give it a try. I intend to make use of being a bipolar rather than putting myself in confinement and isolation. I think people with bipolar have great abilities others could not even imagine but we have to learn to control it and use it as they do with rivers when they build a dam and use the potential energy to produce electricity. I control the actions I do and forget about the feelings. I mean I do not let them lead me in life. But I do not fight them either. The feedback from my surrounding has been positive. Perhaps it comes from my experiences of being a schizophrenic at some point in my life.

A very busy neighborhood. Many families with different backgrounds most of whom had emigrated from small towns to this big city. They had this Mrs. R. who was a widow living with her only son. She would keep her front door a little ajar spying on other neighbors. Everyone knew this and sometimes younger girls would mock her by saying "good morning Mrs. R." when they passed. She just could not stop her habit. One morning when Radin's mother was talking to another woman on the street he met his to be buddy. This boy hid behind her mother and would occasionally look at him and smile. A tanned thin boy with a large fixed smile on his face and protruding big white front teeth. He was called Hash. He was so elastic you could fold him and place him inside a small suitcase. He had a brother who walked with walking sticks. (He had suffered from Infantile Paralysis). And two other brothers, one served in the army and the other, well was not good at school and did not do much. He had no sisters and her mother thanked God for that because their father was so restricted and religious. For quite a long time they were not allowed to watch television. Their mother referred to her husband as "Hash's daddy" and she spoke with a very funny accent. Radin and Hash soon became close buddies. They were together all the time. They met in the street or in each other houses. In the games they played Radin was always the leader leading the game and Hash followed without much objection. Their families were quite different. In Hash family life was so boring. They probably hadn't read a single book all put together and did not see as many films as Radin had seen. That's why Radin led the stories in their games. They never seriously fought except once when they were only nine and they fought over a girl called Maria. Anytime Radin took interest in a girl Hash would follow suit. Radin pushed him and broke his head. A few minutes later Hash came at their front door hand in hand with his older brother with bandaged head. Radin listened while hidden in the store room under the stairs. In later life Radin never forgot the times he spent with Hash. All those long summer afternoons playing quietly under the hot shadows in the street while elders were having their naps. They would sometimes play in Radin's basement where it was cool. They killed each other several times a day with guns made of wood. Sometimes their plane crashed in an deserted island and they had to find their way back home building a raft. They fought Indians together and played detective storis which never ended until it was interrupted by their parents. "Radin go and get some bread". "Hash your mother is at the door". "Come on Hash it is time for lunch." Only then they came back to the real world.
The same relationship Radin had with his older brother but it was other way round. His brother F. would lead the game. F. let Radin play the main character while he created the plots one after another a mystery to be solved. "Bang, Bang". F. was so lively and full of energy. He made friends very easily and was loved for his jokes and his ability to communicate with others even older people. Although he bullied Radin all the time, Radin was so depended on him. They were four years apart but that didn't count when they played together. One day when Radin started shooting at F. with a gun he drop on the floor but was still alive and breathing. A few more shots but he was still alive. Radin used machinegun this time. He still made a groan. "You are dead, You are dead". He used grenades. After the explosion F. made small movement of his little finger to show that he was still alive. Radin never knew that F. will really die at the age of thirty four very far from home in a foreign country. Without any relative at his bedside. In loneliness from an illness he had never heard of in those days, "HIV".

The problem is over

2005-06-08T01:04:00.000-07:00

A short time after I started my blog the problem started. I could not get into my blog or any other blogs I frequently visited. At last I found the reason to be the filtering which is going on here. I contacted the service provider and explained these sites should not be filtered and convince them to open access. Now I can continue.
Over the last week or so I have tried to work on my relationship with my wife. What triggered it, I may discuss later. I have decided not to let my moods control my life. What I do is just do what is right despite the feelings I have at the time. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between normal everyday feelings and modes dictated by the disease. She is not responding well to the changes but I guess she needs more time to adjust or understand the new situation. The challenge is hard on me and I am using a lot of energy but I think it is worth it. I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. Nowadays I wake up earlier, prepare the breakfast and try to leave the house together with my wife. Building up a long lost relationship is quite hard because it involves sometimes going through bitter memories or just try to forget the past but it is not impossible. What bothers me most is that I do not know her feelings towards me. All she says is "it is positive." I don't know how to interpret that. Is it love (I don't really think it is) or is it just a shallow feeling towards someone you live with and respect. I'll have to wait and see the result of my efforts. I try to act normal and yet I am full of anxiety and distress. I feel I have lost her. I have reasons to believe that. I have found things about her that worries me but I am not sure about it. Next time I am taking her to my doctor. He said he would try to help. Repairing is a hard job.
Last week we went to my mother-in-law's village for holiday. It is a small mountain village at the end of a winding country road. She has this little house there. My daughter loves it so we decided to leave her there with her grandmother for this week. My wife talks to her on the phone two times a day. Last night she was very disappointed because my daughter was too busy playing and only sent her regards. "Send mom my regards" she said to her grandmother.

Radin's house was a brick house on a busy street. Not much traffic but the street was full of children. Especially in summer. The houses looked almost the same and neighbors all knew each other. In the middle of the street was a small grocery shop which belonged to Mr. Shok. He was uneducated about forty and his love for money was quite evident. His house was behind his shop. Sometimes his father would run the shop. A very tempered old man who said what ever came to his mind. One day one lady went to buy some cooking oil. "This is not the brand I want. I want X" she said. "They are all the same shit" he had told her angrily.
Radin was very thin with blue eyes and blond hair. He was the only child in his family who didn't go to school so he spent the day with her mother. He was about three or four and it was very boring to stay home all the time. Her mother was always busy cooking, washing cloths and cleaning the house. Sometimes when she went shopping she would lock him in. Until he made his first friend, Nazh. She was the same age, very kind and playful. His second play mate was fatty A. A fat little boy who laughed all the time. He loved dried bread. He would soak it in water and eat it like he was having a steak. In those days there were a few people who owned a refrigerator. They had this "Mr. ice-man" who came every day with his donkey loaded with ice. A small bearded man who made funny faces at children and made them laugh. There were many criers who passed the street selling things like bread, fish, fruit and even chicken. Some of them traded old cloths with china. Radin's mother had collected many china plates and saucers this way. She was very dedicated to china wear. Bit by bit she would complete her collection by giving away old cloths.

Hard to get up

2005-05-18T01:35:00.000-07:00

This is my first post and my first experience at keeping up a blog. In each of my posts I will try to write something about present and something about my past although it won't be always the case. When talking about the past I refer to myself as Radin and the memories are told in third person.

Today it was very hard to open my eyes let alone getting out of bed so I switched myself to automatic and got up. Walking like zombies I found my way to the shower. Had my breakfast and took my meds and went off to work. At work, and I am still trying to keep my eyes open. I don't know what has come over me these last few days. My wife and my daughter get up much earlier than I do and when they have left I get up, unless when they ask for fresh bread for their breakfast. In that case I get up quite early. And on Thursdays on which my wife is off I will have to take our daughter to school. She is at first year elementary. She doesn't approve of me smoking and it is good in a way so that I don't smoke much at home. "I don't want a father who smokes." "I don't want you to die" she says and explains what they say on the news about hazards of smoking. Sometimes when I sneak out to go to the roof for a sig she follows me and catches me red handed. "Put it off." She says. In our block there are no children her age and her cousin comes every other weekend so apart from her friends at the nearby park I and my wife usually have to involve in her games. Most of the time, I play the part of the husband or the groom. When playing the groom I have to go through the whole ceremony. Sometimes she opens a shop in her bedroom and we have to go and buy things from her.

Radin (me) was born on May 14th (a few days ago) on the second floor of a small house, southeast of a big city. He was supposed to be born in a hospital but his mother had preferred the comfort of her own house. He was to be the last child of the family. With one sister and.. let me see.. yes, and five other brothers. One of them was four years older than him and so they were very close. (We call him Fred here) Although Fred bullied him most of the time but they somehow got along and played together all the time. Most of the games they played were detective stories. Fred would start the game playing the bad guy and Radin as the detective. These games never had an ending and usually ended by mother calling them to lunch.
Radin's first memories went back to the first steps he took and started walking. You see he couldn't walk until he was three. His aunt had come to visit them and holding up some grapes encouraged him to walk and get it. His aunt lived with her adopted son. Her husband (an army Colonel ) had passed away at the early years of their marriage and she never got married again.