Vicissitude: Bipolar Disorder and its ups and downs

This is a diary of present and the past by a man who being Bipolar is just part of his life Each post is in two parts first is everyday diary and second is a kind of continuous diary of my past

Name:

Being Bipolar is just part of my life.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

My experiences

Well I have started an issue and just can’t leave it at that. But please remember these are my own experience and the ways and techniques used are adopted from many different sources to help me build things up. So it is just to show the direction and the means remain with individuals. The result is what I am now. Med free (almost! I use meds in times of need and emergencies like other people using pain killers when needed) bipolar living amongst the same people I used to and being more mindfully settled than many of them.
First. I realized that what I do, how I do it and the reactions I have towards everyday stimulus is part of the way my outside personality is shaped. I got that idea out of this question that I asked myself. “what is the difference between me and ….. .?” that person is living in the same place or town as I do. And under the same pressures. And I do not believe the universe is treating us differently. So, the difference must come from within.
So I have to rebuilt my outside personality. And stop saying to myself, “I am this and that because my mother, father or my family conditioned me this way. Suppose that is all right, what now? Now I am old enough to be my own parents and bring myself up. And instead of considering my parents my enemy I even thank them for helping me grow up in the best way they were able to do.
Building personality does not start by demolishing what you are. It is done step by step replacing things that are working against us. Bearing in mind all the principal elements which are bad are actually deformed positive elements. For example selfishness, it is the deformed positive element of Pride. Fear, awareness. And so on.
So just fighting them or taking them out by the root will do more damage than it would do good.
I started by FEAR. The cancerous shape of awareness (which can protect us). Fear: The enemy that we obey because of itself in the first place.
Fear of being a bipolar. Fear of ….. .
In doing so I needed a firm stand. Something I can depend on all the time. So I chose God. You can use your own stand. It is not what the ideology is. Some use Zen, Meditations and etc. Some other things. But not cults. It should be something firm. Something that has proved to be working for others. Something with a history behind it. Even universal energy. You name it.
That is it for now. I will continue depending on feedbacks.

Monday, March 05, 2007

The potential powers within

If you just think about it you realize many potential individual abilities within. Bipolars feel that more than others. That can be in the fields of Art, Politics, Sports, Business or power of communicating with others and so on. It is vital for Bipolars to bring to surface what abilities they feel they have. Well it can not be achieved overnight or just by using suggestive techniques. They are short-lived. And we can’t go around dreaming about it or imagine we have them. They are potential but not trained or active.
The depression and mania are on either side of a balance.

Fighting depression with meds much stronger than the depression leaves us with an extra high feeling that will make the mania go higher in the cycle. So depression meds should be carefully selected and the dosage just right with the help of your doctor. The little extra depression we have to live through and as I did just ignore it.
How? I made some codes to follow when under depression. Codes I made when active and functional. And told myself: “I must not forget to follow them because they are good for me and that the decision has been made when I was functioning and so can not be wrong.” These are some of the codes.
“I go to work no matter what the feelings are”
“I pretend I am OK and talk to people even if not interested”
“The people do not understand my situation and if they did they just feel sorry and that won’t help me a bit”
“I follow some other people’s action and reactions although it may seem strange to me at the time.”

And the mania if higher than controllable. Moderate medication with your doctor help.
“I control myself going through long explanations on the current subjects.”
“I preserve my energy on more creative personal activities than just waist it to prove I am on top.”

And all the time thinking about positive sides to my being high and use that energy in the right way.

I do not become so conscious about my ups and downs and do not relate all of them to my being Bipolar. Other people feel the same during a normal day.
You sometimes come across people who are active and full of energy all the time and look alert but, others just take that as it is and are convinced that they are just that way.

It takes time and effort but it is worth it. If you think you can write, paint, do sports or what ever just start. You will be guided by your inner aspirations to do so like, any creative artist or businessman or …. Your brain works much faster than others and moves back and forth from what you have in store and the outside world but, you have to be careful not to be mislead by the reality mirror (illusions) because then you just move back and forth between your illusionistic reality mirror and loose contact with the actual world.
In that case the brain is playing games within itself and the result is irrelevant.

The medication must not kill the feelings but just control them a little and the rest is our job.