Life has to change

I had lot on my mind but didn't have the right feeling to put it down. I felt kind of depressed last week. I say kind of because I can't put my finger on it. It wasn't like before. I knew I was in depression but life seemed to go on its own. I also went through the urge to sleep. I started to do some experiment on the mania side. Well I have all it takes. I am bipolar. I have had the experience and know all the ingredients it needs. I just try to trim it sort of so that the good feeling is felt without the extremes that are so noticeable and disturbing in social life. I haven't been that successful but I will continue and try to bring it about intentionally. The medication I continue and will have my sleep scheduled though. There are people who are mania all their life and they are alright and it is accepted as part of their personality. I think the problem with me is that I don't have the capacity to withstand it and make use of it. It gives me the shock to see myself so powerful and full of energy. The contrast it has to my normal self is shocking. My doctor thinks we bipolars have a gift and in stages of mania we experience things others don't dream of. When I first had it I was in a managerial job on a project and the effect it had on my work was incredible. I accomplished real hard objectives and was so influential. I managed so many people and few subcontractors. Once I experienced it I knew it is there somewhere within me. The power is there and I have to bring it about and use it. It is like nuclear power. It needs controlling or else it will blow up like a bomb. I don't care much about the consequences. I feel that is real me oppressed over the years. Oppressed by my fears and the conditions the environment has dictated to me. The power of influencing others is what I experienced. I felt like a child experiencing the here and now with the help of all the power I possessed in my senses. All the senses and not only the five known senses. It is like waking out of a dream to a bright day. Bright sunlight. We have to oppress it with medication because others who have known us for quite sometimes feel we are weird. And it frightens us, too. I am going to live only once and I don't want to grow old and think I have done nothing about it. After all I have nothing to lose. I know I can be a powerful person through it. All I have to do is avoid a few exaggerated feelings of having irrational powers beyond my limits. I have to keep within the real world.

Materialization

Right out of the blue came the offer. Talking about moving to another country in my last post and now they asked me to manage a company in Shanghai, China after I gave them my ideas of working on our own brand. I am doing some research into living there and the offer. I am considering it and have not reached any decisions. I have time to think since I will have to do the work all from the start. Establishing the company there, renting the office and recruiting. It is a project on its own. I have been to China on business trips but living there is something quite different. I know I can do the job well. I have to be away from my family for sometimes though. China has been through so many changes in recent years. You do not see all that unified clothing codes any more and the atmosphere of the red China. You still feel the contrast between the new and the old the poor and the rich. I wasn't there long enough to know how the people are but from what I gather they are nice and friendly. From the business point of view they are special. You have Taiwanese who have made big investments there and other foreign people. Doing business with them is hard. They have to monitored all the time and be watched over all through each transaction from the start to the end or else you end up with something quite different to what you had ordered in the first place.
I went through the blogs I usually visit and also saw some blogs randomly and came across so many interesting things. Life just pumps and beats all around and all the time.
I bought a couple of birds for my daughter on Friday. They are very nice and they are getting used to their new home. She has named them To To and Ti Ti.
It is getting colder and colder and I must do some shopping for winter to come.
Life is a wonderful and awful mixture of everything between nothing and nothing.
Well it just sort of came by itself. I guess I have to read it several times myself to see what this sentence was all about! time to go to bed.

Future, Past and Present

I was thinking about my Internet friends and blogs I visit. It is a strange feeling of closeness. It is not like other relations and connections I have ever had. I had this sort of feeling reading books from different writers from around the world but this is unique in its own right. I felt but could not imagine how close people were in this world. In their feelings and in their thoughts. Politicians make things appear so dole and dark but it is not so. They draw borders and make us feel so apart. In this respect they are all on one side.

I have a daughter of 8 with so many plans for her future. She is full of energy and potential. And my wife deserves more; I mean she has many things she wants to do. They are stuck. Because of the problems we face living here. These problems are so silly by nature and for others living in other parts of the world would seem weird and impossible to imagine. I am not idealistic and do not ask for much for them. Just the right base and environment for them to grow in. I am thinking about immigration into another country. Wish me luck and pray for me. I know the problems and difficulties involved but it is worth it. Bringing up a child here is getting more and more difficult not because of financial side but mostly cultural. I want her to become an independent and free lady.

The sleeping urge that has been bothering me for a few days was finally over today. I had a complete uninterrupted night sleep. I changed one of my meds from morning to night and did not drink anything one hour prior to going to bed. And to tell the truth I also used some drugs to calm me down.

Recently I was all involved in thoughts about my past. Things I had done wrong, the wrong doing of others towards me, the opportunities I lost and those I took on, the people I once knew and the hard times I had been through and the good times. My life has been full of ups and downs. I am 44 but I feel I have lived the life of an eighty years old man. I hold the key to my future in my hand, my present action. I have to make use of my present time to the outmost.